Proud Mommy Moments

Each day that I get to be a mom I am in absolute awe about the greatest blessing I have been given.  I am absolutely dreading going back to school in January.  Thank goodness it is only for 3 hours on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.  I will miss princess buttercup something fierce.  I can't believe that at 18 months Jessa decided not to get up and walk but to get up and dance everywhere.  She constantly flitters about shaking her hips and booty.  I shared on facebook that Jessa has become my little workout motivator and coach.  There was a week or so during that certain time of the month where I just had the blahs!  I didn't feel like working out much less I would rather just lay around doing nothing.  But Jessa being my little motivator kept at it knocking on the basement door and signing "jumpa jump" to me.  One day I took her down and decided to put her in her jolly jumper and I would do laundry.  She looked at me pointed at the tv and demanded mmmmmm which is her meaning more.  I got the hint and we daily do my turbojams.

Another proud mommy moment with Jessa is I wanted to find a way to make Christ the center of our Christmas worship so I made a Christ Advent calendar featuring a picture of Christ each day.  It kind of got put on the back burner and sat on the counter for a week or so but every time Jessa sees it she will grab a picture of Jesus look at it, hug it and spend the day carrying it around with her.  Tonight as I was giving her some juice after finishing our workout Jessa's attention turned to a picture of Jesus on the wall with children sitting in his lap.  Jessa looked at the picture and said dessa... desus.  She knew who that picture was and she spent quite some time staring at that photo.  I am so grateful to have in my life the knowledge of who Jesus Christ is but I am also grateful that Jessa knows who He is as well.  I wonder how much she remembers and knows because each time she sees a picture of Christ.  There is a definite sense of reverence and awe stilling quiet that comes as she doesn't just look at the picture but stares at it.

One last mommy moment that made me proud of Jessa is today during lunch, Jessa was busy signing eat so I gave her some egg to nibble on before we started to eat.  When we sat down to fold our arms for prayers, Jessa got very mad I tried to take her egg away so we decided to just say the prayer.  ABout half way through the prayer I peeked my eyes open to find Jessa had put down her egg and folded her arms and was patiently waiting until the prayer was done.  Jessa I love you my little kitten.  How my life is so complete with you.  I love being your mom.

Okay is the new great!

I really admire the moms out in blog land that write of their struggles in mommyhood and life in general.  I don't think I have the courage to post my life out there for everyone to read.   I came across a blog where one of the mommas was encouraging another with the saying okay is the new great!   That comment was so simple and yet it left me feeling uplifted, loved, and encouraged.

Lately I have been constantly struggling with my job and feel like I am in a constant prison.  Making the choice to be a live on site resident manager has its positives and negatives but the down whirl wind of everything is really starting to get to me and I feel as if I can't hold on any longer.  I am really stressed out and live in a daily zone of anxiety.  I am hurting from this job and struggling to go on.  And so even though I try to be private about life.  I need some prayers and love if you could send some my way.

An attitude of gratitude day 22: A Picture is Worth a thousand words

When I was in the NICU with Jessa I was blessed with nurses who popped in just to chat a couple minutes before they had to check on Jessa.  One nurse encouraged me to do the 365 day picture challenge where you take a picture each day of your baby.  It was amazing to see now how much Jessa has grown, changed, and matured.  My phone is constantly full because I have so many pictures and they mean the world to me!  As I was loading pictures tonight I realized how grateful I was to have a camera and to capture all those precious moments.  I regret not continuing on into Jessa's second year because I thought too many pictures this is ridiculous but now I realize those pictures mean the world to me and I want to have them forever.

Jessa the day she was born

2 months old

1 month old

Jessa my acrobat

An Attitude of Gratitude Day 21: I stand All Amazed

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me;
I tremble to know that for me He was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled and died.

• O it is wonderful that He should care for me
    Enough to die for me!
    O it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

This week I was asked to present on a craft that I made for Christmas for our Relief Society super saturday.  I chose to make a Christ Christmas Advent Calendar where each day you flip over the numbers revealing a picture of Christ.  As I was searching and looking for pictures of the Savior I had moments where I choked back tears that were threatening to fall.  The Saviour gave us so much and did so much for this world and it is so sad to see Him and Heavenly Father forgotten by so many, or to be upstaged by Santa who now no longer brings humble gifts but things that leave families in debt.  I am so grateful for this Christmas season and to teach Jessa the real meaning of Christmas; but today more than ever I am grateful for someone who loved me enough to die for me to give me a better life.  It reminds me of the saying there is no man greater than this who lieth down his life for his friends.  Oh what awe I am in for what Jesus Christ has done for me.  

An Attitude of Gratitude Day 20: Memories

Today I decided to spend some time looking back over my blog.  I really love writing in my blog it is my everything even though sometimes I fail for months to do it on end.  But as I was looking back I loved seeing the pictures I had posted of the proud momma moments.  I loved today while I was working out thinking of when I lived at home and would be working out in the spare bedroom to have my brother walk by and say he was proud of me.  It was thinking of funny mommy moments like yesterday when Jessa crawled directly into the bathroom.  Crawled onto the scale and stood up weighted a while and got off.  It was thinking of the times I had as a teenager spending with friends.  I am grateful for the good memories.  I love that this is not something anyone can ever take away from you and memories that your heart makes are just for you <3.

An attitude of gratitude: Day 19 Motherhood

After this short and sweet paragraph the words are not my own.  However they were posted on a dear friend's blog. So today I am grateful that other momma's speak out about parenting and motherhood.  I struggled to get through this entry today because it is how I feel.  In so many ways I feel inadequate as a mother.  Many times I would pray and ask Heavenly Father why he couldn't give so many special women the opportunity to raise Jessa who can't have babies when I am so inadequate...

The Things Unwritten and Unsaid

September 28, 2013 by Allison Slater Tate 2 Comments

People criticize moms who write about their kids. We overshare, they say. We exploit, they cry. We’re narcissistic navel-gazers, spewing treacly, precious cliches all over the interwebz.

Perhaps. Sometimes. Maybe.

But I write about my experiences, parenting and otherwise, in an effort to connect. There were so many days early in my motherhood when I sat on the floor in my underwear and cried right along with my colicky, unhappy first baby, leaking from every orifice and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into by having a baby. I felt completely alone, because my friends were not really having babies yet, and I was completely blindsided by the reality of motherhood. I likened it to being hit by a bus: the Bus of Motherhood. I could not have written anything precious or treacly about those first few months. They were brutal, not poetic. What got me through that first year was connecting to other mothers — in support groups and playgroups, online, and through words. Words spoken and written carried me when I could not walk.

I could probably write a book listing the many, many hard moments of parenting, like those first days, that I never saw coming. While I find being a mother infinitely awesome, I also find it infinitely difficult. Being someone’s mother is hard, yo. It’s hard for all the reasons we talk about: the Groundhog Day-type frustrations of trying to feed, clothe, and nurture volatile little people every day who would really rather we leave them to their all-beige, carb-heavy diets, infinite amounts of screen time, and the ability to beat each other, Hunger Games-style.

I’ll be honest and say that yes, the sleep deprivation that came with my newborns was devastating. Nursing a baby was worth it, but left me worn and touched out by the ends of my days. I have shed bitter, frustrated tears more than once over a meal I made that was instantly rejected. I have asked myself when I might have a day that doesn’t include cleaning up someone else’s body fluids. I have cried over my children growing up, cried after losing my temper with my kids, and cried because I am just so tired and this is just so grindingly hardsometimes.

But the hardest things about parenthood, I have found, are things I actually can’t and won’t share — precisely because I do want to protect my children’s privacy. They are the things that go unwritten, the moments that go untold. They are the days that I feel like I have messed up so much or I am not sure what to do, when I feel paralyzed and frozen and like I just want to go be anonymous in a coffee shop somewhere for a few hours and not be anyone’s mother for a while. I want to hide, not because I don’t love my children, but because I don’t know how to be a mother to them in that moment. I don’t know what they need. I don’t know what I need to be for them to make things okay. They can’t be fixed with band-aids or diaper changes or a snack full of protein or an earlier bedtime.

There is a quote widely attributed to Plato but argued to have originated with Ian MacLaren that goes, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” That could never be more true than when it applies to parents. From my experiences and from what I know of my friends’ experiences, we really only see the tips of the icebergs when we encounter other parents at school pick-up, on the sidelines of athletic events, and in the aisles of Target. We might see other parents tussling with a tantruming toddler or clutching the hand of a new Kindergartner or tending to a child who had the wind knocked out of her when she collided on a soccer field. But we don’t often witness the kinds of moments that knock the wind out of theparents and bring them to their knees — the hesitant steps into the child psychiatrist’s office, the millionth confusing parent-teacher conference, the discouraging test results, or when the child who tells his mother, “My brain doesn’t work the way other people’s brains work.” We don’t see the mother who wraps herself around her child when she is putting him to bed, tears falling into his hair beneath her face, because she’s not sure how to make the world work for him. We don’t see the dad pausing outside the door and taking a deep breath because it’s hard to leave for a day of work knowing his child is struggling.

I write about parenthood, but sometimes, the very stories that rip my heart apart are the ones I can’t write. My darkest days are the ones I have to keep to myself, precisely because they are not about the 800th wet bed I just changed or the epic meltdown the toddler had in the Gap or the failed playdate. They are so much bigger: they are yawning chasms with tiny, swinging rope bridges that I am attempting to cross every day without allowing myself — or more importantly to me, my children — to fall. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that there are tiny, swinging rope bridges surrounding me, stretching across those same chasms and ones I cannot see, and other mothers and fathers are stumbling across them, knuckles white, teeth gritted, while they lead their children on their own paths. They are all fighting their own battles, and all of them are hard. Hard, and worth it. But the battles you don’t see are far bloodier than the ones you do.

I learned in those first dark months with my first baby that motherhood would make me cry. That promise has held true, in both good moments and bad. I had no way of knowing then that the things that crushed me then — the never-ending cluster feeds, the inexplicable public crying jags, the long nights of shushing and swaying — would not even compare to the things that crush me now. That terrifying feeling of not knowing what to do, of looking around for the real grown-up to swoop in and save us all, has never gone away. It just grew.

So I want to tell you out there — you, the one fighting your own hard battle today that no one around you can see and you feel you cannot and must not reveal to protect your child — that I know. I know what it feels like to fill out the forms, to receive the emails from the teachers, to wait in the doctors’ offices, to walk out of a child’s bedroom and want to crumble to the ground with the weight of the not-knowing-what-to-do. I might not see your battles, but I know they are there, and I am battling too.

Even if I don’t tell you about it.

An attitude of gratitude days 12- 14

Woah... so this writting in my blog every day hasn't been going so well.  Thank goodness I am only a week behind!  Lol!  So last week was a busy week for many reasons.  Have you ever started a week just waiting for the week to be over?  That was my last week.  I received a letter in my courier package from work that I was required to spend 2 full 9 to 10 hour days at a work conference to help my residence go crime free.  Two days away from Jessa!  You had to be kidding me.  I cried a lot.  I prayed a lot.  I begged the office to let Jonathan go in my place but they wouldn't budge.  So from the day I found out about the conference until the day I went I talked with Jessa about what was going to happen.  We talked about how daddy would stay with her and how I would go but come home after my course was done.  I think this is one of the few times where I felt extremely grateful for my education in early learning.  We were taught to ease separation anxiety by allowing the child to watch the parent leave either through the door or window.  So I told J to do just that.  He did and Jessa didn't cry the entire time I was gone.  I was sad and cried to leave her for the two days.  But as I was sitting through my course I received a confirmation that this is what I needed to do to provide a safer home for my baby.

Growing up with the many family struggles we faced I had a really bad association with police.  So being trained by police really changed things... I realized in a very long time that I felt safe and an assurance that nothing bad could happen.  There are bad cops out there don't get me wrong but I am grateful to live in a country where there are good men who protect our streets so we can live in safety and peace.    Thursday was a lot easier for me to face the challenge of leaving Jessa.  Now being back at home it made me appreciate being a stay at home mom even more.  My days may not be glorious, they may seem tedious, hard with little reward, but at the end of the day as I snuggle my baby to sleep I am grateful for the choice I made to stay at home with her.  I love my baby Jessa.

An attitude of gratitude Day 11: I Remember

This morning I wanted to create a tradition where we honor those who have kept our country free and for those who continue to do so.  We put on a live broadcast that was here in Edmonton and Jessa didn't know if we were praying or what we were doing but she was reverent none the less.  After Jonathan's Canadian citizenship ceremony I have come to have a greater sense of gratitude and awe for the country we live in.  I bawled through the moment of silence so grateful for the freedom God has given us.  We are free not only in the country we live in so today I am grateful for living in Canada, raising my family here and being able to live ina land that Heavenly Father has blessed to be prosperous.

So today iremember those who fought so we can continue to always be free.

An attitude of gratitude Days 5 to 10

I have to be honest of why my attitude of gratitude day by day blog entries took a leaping halt for the past week.  I am ready to take off my gloves and be honest.  Lately I have been struggling with keeping it all together; since thursday I have had a melt down day after day.  The stress of my job has gotten to me and the lack of support that it has left me in a panic.  To top it all off I was sent a paper last week telling me that I would have to leave my baby Jessa to go to an all day 2 day course.  I still am struggling with that and have had panic attacks regularly since.  I can't wait to have wednesday and thursday done with becaue then the pressure, stress, and confusion about leaving my baby will be over. I am struggling so much so instead of doing individual journal entries for each day I will give my list for the past week.
Day 5: Tuesday, I was just grateful to get through the day and to be able to realize that I don't have to be strong every day.  I am grateful for prayer and the knowledge that Heavenly Father hears our prayers.
Day 6:
Day 7: Thursday I am ever grateful for off branches of medicine.  I love Jessa and I wouldn't trade her for the world but I have been struggling lately as Jessa has struggled with walking because she always wants to be held.  Recently I had been praying about Jessa and what to do with her medically and got the answer to turn towards homeopathy.  I will save my controversy for another day where I will put my thoughts out there but in talking with my homeopath I learned of different medicines that I could give Jessa.  The prompting came to me thursday morning to give Jessa pulsatilla and in doing so Jessa spent the day playing and I was able to get a lot done.  So today I am grateful that there isn't a one way street that Heavenly Father has provided for our bodies in terms of medicine.  Jessa has been so so so good about playing by herself on the floor now and I am happy about that.
Day 8: Friday I spent almost the entire day doing laundry.  To be honest I had a bad mommy moment that night when Jessa was fighting about going to sleep.  I lost my temper and scolded Jessa for not sleeping.  So I laid in bed with her as she tossed and turned.  It was moments like this that made me question if I was making the wrong choice not to let her cry it out.  But as I was trying a new method of transitioning Jessa into her own bed from co-sleeping, Heavenly Father gave me the answer I was so desperately seeking.  About 2:30 am I woke to hearing Jessa choking, thankful that I was co-sleeping with her, I flipped her to her side where she proceeded to be sick everywhere...  The rest of the night until 7 am in the morning.  Jessa would fall asleep start to choke cough and be sick everywhere.  Before that started Jessa was busy flip flopping all over the bed and I had scolded her for not laying still and sleeping.  I questioned if I should just let her cry it out but I was grateful that I stayed in tune with what I had previously prayed about.  Instead of begrudging the fact that I spent the entire night changing sheets, chaning outfits, and switching towels out from underneath Jessa.  I cherished the moments where Jessa needed me to nurse her back to health.  I realized then that life is so so so precious.  There may be a day that Jessa no longer wants to cuddle me or be with me so I'll cherish the moments I do have.  Babies don't last forever <3 Also I am grateful for a washing machine!
Day 9: Saturday was a day where I was grateful for Jonathan, who really stepped up in cleaning house and who took all the soiled laundry and washed it.  Jonathan was so great he even let me have a nap while he kept the house running smoothily.  I love my hubbins <3

And finally today I am grateful for the holy ghost.  Today was the primary presentation and one of the teachers went home sick which meant that I was asked to sit with that class.  As I stood up to sing the primary songs a wave of the spirit hit me and I felt happy inside and I knrew that everything I had been taught was true and I was in the right place at the right time.  How grateful I am to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

An attitude of gratitude Day 4: Baby cuddles

I like trying to find the positive things to focus on rather than the negative.  Today is been a bit of a trying day with Jessa.  Sleep is a constant struggle in our house and I am trying to make the best of a rough situation.  I don't believer in ferber's cry it out method and Jessa believes in not sleeping! Hah! So although it is sometimes rough the trials of mommyhood I am grateful to be home to take care of Jessa.  She is my pride and joy but she also needs to be taught and so whole she struggles in bedtime battles I am so so glad that it is me rocking her to sleep and not a babysitter who believes in the cry it out method.So today I am grateful for the relationship that Jessa and I have.  I am grateful that she loves to cuddle and sleep with me because one day I KNOW I will miss this.  I love being a momma and baby cuddles

An attitude of gratitude day 3: My momma

I would be ungrateful if I didn't say that I am so so so happy to have a momma that I have a close relationship with.  I love how she understands me and how I was told in a blessing that much of what I will experience in this life, she has already gone through.  Heavenly Father is so smart and all knowing.  I don't think it was chance I was given a momma who really is my best friend and my everything.  I love that we have inside jokes, how she knows everything about me and accepts me for who I am.  I love that she calls me when she has had a bad day and I love the example she sets for me.  My momma is such an example to me for her strength, testimony and the love she has for the Lord.  I hope that one day I will be able to set the same example for Jessa.

An Attitude of Gratitude Day 2: Jessa

J- Just adorable

E- mommy's everything

S- daddy's sunshine

S- super cute

A- amazing

I think my title sums up what I am grateful for.  I love Jessa she is definitely my everything, my sunshine, my teacher, and my example.  Jessa is a wonderful little girl and Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond anything I could ever imagine with Jessa.  or as Jessa likes to say her name "Dessa".  Halloween was a fun day with Jessa and she taught me to remember to view the excitement of holidays through a child's eyes.  Mr. hubbins decided that he really wanted to be the McDonald's combo meal for Halloween and I liked the uniqueness of it and so I thought that it was a great idea even though I wasn't excited to be dressed up as a hamburger.  After Jonathan's citizenship celebration with mom and Terry in tow we headed over to Walmart's portrait studio where we took our yearly family photo.  Have you been to our house?  If not in our dining room you will find 3 photos on the wall all from last year's halloween when we were Pirates of the Caribbean.  Soon these photos will be replaced with our combo meal costumes.  When we first arrived at the studio Jessa was asleep and was flopped over for most of the pictures she isn't smiling in any of the photos but after as the workers played music for her and we danced in the portrait studio we had a lot of fun as she rocked out to the spice girls, a teens and a bunch of other music they had.  We headed over to McDonald's in our costumes and took lots of pictures with workers and customers.

One reason that makes me love Jessa is her acceptance of others... one day we will have to teach her stranger danger... but on this day she willingly was passed around so we could be in pictures for the people around.  I love that she allowed us to put her in her costume and had fun in doing so.  I love Jessa's squeal and laughter as she tromped around holding hands with daddy and "ama" as they walked throughout the store having so much fun.  We came home and Jessa jumped in her jolly jumper.  I love seeing the light in her eyes through her laughter and happiness I am really grateful to be her mom.

But as I didn't want to dress up as a hamburger again (it was embarrassing lol) so


I put Jessa in a zebra costume for trick or treating. I grabbed her a little bucket we had gotten on one of our mommy adventures and she was such a pro at trick or treating.  I love that she so easily caught on to ring the door bell and hold out her bucket for the candy.  It made the night so special to remember the excitement a child feels as you experience the joy through their eyes.

So today I am grateful that Heavenly Father gave me the gift to have Jessa as my daughter.  I love you my baby forever and always.

An Attitude of Gratitude Day 1: My Home and Native Land

I feel like I am trying to hard to make this post interesting.  I feel like there is this giant pressure on me from myself to miraculously produce an award winning post to make up for my lack of posting in months.  I find that when disappointments come instead of sharing them I close down and wallow for a long time.  So when Malauney invited others to join her November month of gratitude I gladly took her up on the offer.  Too much of my time I fail to recognize the beauty and the blessings of what I do have.

So for my first day of gratitude I am grateful for being Canadian.  Jonathan received in the mail a letter from the government inviting him to attend his Oath of Ceremonies to become an official Canadian around the first week of October.  The ceremony was for Halloween day.  A day that we try to always have a lot of fun as a family. Becoming an official Canadian is not an easy feat and takes years to complete so when Jonathan took his test in May and we waited and waited, fretted, silently pleaded, and finally accepted that he might have to wait a year or more to become Canadian the letter itself was something to celebrate.  My mom and Terry asked when Jonathan and I were dating if they could come to his celebration so it was wonderful to be able to have them join our little family for Jonathan's big day.  It was an interesting day where Jonathan had to be there for 9:00 am with all his papers to go over that he had all the proper documentation to become Canadian.  At 10:00 the ceremony started, I can't remember the name of the judge who performed the ceremony but it reminded me a lot of an elementary school assembly.  The judge talked about how both her parents were immigrants to Canada and how they were told that Canada was literally a country of gold; they were disappointed to realize that it actually was a country of snow.  However, the gold of Canada comes from the freedom that we have to be ourselves, to be free to worship who and what we may, to be able to have a say in how our government is run through democracy, and to be able to be equal to work and gain an education.

As a child I couldn't understand why my mom would have tears pouring from her eyes as the national anthem was sung but on Halloween day at a Canadian citizenship ceremony I finally understood as the tears poured from my eyes.  How grateful I am to live in Canada.  I have never had to face the fears of living in danger or on the run, I have always been treated as an equal to others, I have obtained an education, I can vote, I can drive and I am safe.  My daughter is safe and has a promised future.  So today as Jessa and I supported Hubbins as he became a Canadian citizen my heart swelled not with pride but with gratitude for  a loving heavenly father who allowed me to live in a free land with amazing blessings and opportunities.

Stop and listen

I can't say it enough but I love being a mom to Jessa, she constantly teaches me by example the principles of the gospel and how I can develop a stronger relationship with Heavenly Father.  On Sunday Jessa and I had awoken early to get ready for church.  Jessa's enduring patience however was short that day and each time I would try to get anything done would result in a melt down.  The hour and a half before church came and went very quickly and we both weren't dressed, so I threw the towel in and turned on a session of general conference and we both cuddled back into bed.  Baby doll quickly fell into a deep sleep and I listeners to conference an the talks touched me in a way they hadn't before.  The whole day I felt on tune with Heavenly Father and all of these teaching opportunities came throughout the day.  Too many times I am too busy to stop and listen and I realized on Sunday that sometimes we need to really disconnect and tune out.  It was from Jessa's simple reminder that she needed my attention that I also needed to give that same attention to God.  As I did so and nurtured my relationship I learned more about who I was supposed to become.  Having my baby doll has really changed my life and she teaches me daily and through such simple means.

My doll baby

Jessa is such a sweet baby and truly my ray of sunshine.  Although today was a hard hard hard day with Jessa and it felt like a day that would never end something that made this day entirely worth it.  This morning Jessa and I had gone to Wal-Mart to pick up a few groceries.  As we walked down the isles I noticed that Jessa would crunch up her sweet precious face in a smile and cheesy grin, as people would walk past.  Each person young and old, tough or sweet, male or female would laugh and smile.  I was shocked the most when we ran across a family twice, when Jessa did the same face to them.  The first time I had first focused on the mother and daughter and their responses to Jessa but the second time I focused on the husband; he was covered in tattoos and had on huge baggy clothes.  I wouldn't have taken him for a family man but the smile that covered his face and Jessa's response to him taught me that again we can't judge people by their appearances but the spirits that are inside of them.  Thank you my precious sweet doll baby for teaching mommy again how to love as a child does.

Sometimes maybe mommy should be put on timeout

Even after years of learning in university about teaching children and the developing child.. I have learned that each day I am still learning hard lessons about what it means to really truly become in tune with Heavenly Father's will.  Lately I have been exhausted... tired... and having a hard time getting Jessa to sleep without bouncing rocking swinging nursing singing and pretty much anything else you can think of.  I am not a fan of cry it out because frankly I don't love listening to babies cry and it hurts my heart knowing that a baby is crying and they would just stop if you held them.  So I researched and read about a method where you put the baby down calmly and leave the room... once baby starts to cry you go in reassure the baby and leave the room.  I did this with Jessa for probably an hour until she was so tired of waiting for me to pick her up she just cried in her crib each time I laid her down... I had read that if you pick them up it breaks the whole time you spent trying to prepare baby to be independent and so I tried to stick it out.  I stayed beside her and continually laid her down repeatedly as she cried and fussed so I rubbed her back and sang primary hymns while poor miss cried some more...  So I prayed and got the prompting that she was not ready.  Little miss J was to the point where her crying was starting to hyperventilate and so I picked her up and nursed her to sleep...  And truthfully I feel like the worst mom ever.  I hated doing that to try to teach Jessa to go to sleep on her own.  I hated that as I nursed her, my precious baby was so emotionally upset her whole body shook with heaving breaths as she tried to calm down.  Isn't there any other way of putting baby to sleep without the mess of cry it out?!  I am upset at myself because I went back and realized that it is a method of cry it out at shorter intervals.  That was not fair for Jessa or me... so it's back to the drawing board while I wallow over a cup of hot chocolate for being a bad mom.

But then as I think more about it today has been a trying day.  Jessa has decided that love biting mommy is very funny.  So today she sat in time out in her booster chair facing the wall but it sure didn't seem like a punishment as she laughed and played at banging at the wall.  I think it's just time for bed...

I Wouldn't Change It for Anything

Lately I have been trying to work past some unresolved issues from my past... I guess maybe that is why it taught me the invaluable lesson it did.  Last night I had numerous dreams of children I had gone to elementary school with and using Facebook I searched out a few of them using mr. hubbin's page.  Magically all of the students I had thought of were there.  So I clicked on their pages to see what they had accomplished in their lives.  Each one of them I was not shocked to find were all leading  the typical young "carefree" style life that is so popular... You graduate from high school skip university because it costs too much of your spending money, and travel and drink.  In high school there were some times where that had looked so cool to be one of the popular kids...I had wished that I could be popular but tonight I realized something.  My life might not be glamorous and my passport might say I haven't travelled in a long time, but as I see my baby cozily tucked in bed dreaming sweet dreams, my husband studying on the couch and I stepping on missed cereal pieces when I was cleaning made me realize I wouldn't have it any other way.  Children and families are irreplaceable.

No thanks, I'm stuffed!

Yesterday J and I shared a giggle at the supper table.  Jessa is totally on board with baby-led weaning but sometimes you have to trick her into eating because she wants what you have.  I was eating leftover stir-fry and I had made J some shrimp with spaghetti squash.  I was asking Jessa if she wanted some mushroom but I was looking in J's direction.  J promptly responded, "No thanks!  I'm stuffed!" and I started to laugh at J.  I told him that I was asking Jessa and we both laughed as we shared in the joke.

I love being a Mom!

I am so sorry it has been so long since I posted... life in the Cristancho household has been busy to say the least.  Nap times for the past four months have been used to study for university and other nap times have been used to cuddle Jessa in the fast fleeting moments as Jessa grows so quickly before our eyes.  It has been amazing seeing Jessa's personality blossom every day as she grows older and becomes more and more aware of her surroundings.  She is a quirky little girl that loves to laugh, although many people outside are home think she is very solemn but she just really loves to learn, watch and take it all in.

At the end of March, Jessa after lots of waiting and worrying started to crawl.  It occurred when Jessa and I had gone to Calgary to visit my mom so she could look after her as I wrote one of my Spanish finals.  Jessi, the beloved traveling cat, that we gave to my mom once I got pregnant was the only thing that encourage Baby J to be on the move.  Nothing motivated her other than the silly Jessi cat who would run away just out of arm's reach of Jessa.  I love that my mom has a cat that Jessa can call her own without us having to raise it.  Way to go baby Jessa.

Jessa is very motivated also by family, she really likes when people cheer her on and so as we visited J's parents they would clap and cheer for Jessa.  Little munchkin quickly caught on and now if you tella her, hooray! Applaudo! or Bravo!  She will clap and smile.

Now that we have just hit Jessa's one year mark... we share in lots of giggles along the way.
Recently I have been trying to jump back on the band wagon of working out and so often I will take Jessa to be my personal cheerleader as I workout.  J is very good about working out while watching Jessa so she sees often that man's way of working out.  After my long hiatus I decided to do some turbosculpt which is a 40 minute work out with weights.  Each time I would lift my weights, Jessa would groan and grunt as if she herself were lifting the weights.  I had to giggle as she made the noises for me as if she herself was lifting those heavy weights.

Jessa is a bit of a vain baby and loves to look at herself in the mirror.  She loves to make faces at herself in the mirror.  Lately her favorite face has been the "kiss face".  Now I am not familiar with the music of the band Kiss but I am familiar with the long tongues hanging out; and Jessa does just that.  A blah face in the mirror.  A cute head tilt to the side and a wave, a bang, and a giggle.  Jessa loves to entertain herself with funny faces in the mirror.  Jessa also loves to scrunch her nose up in the mirror and snort and shove her lips out where she touches them with her nose.  It has become her classic Jessa face and makes everyone around her giggle.

Jessa also really is quite the flirt she loves boys and the more they seem to look like her dad the better.  One day as we went to Walmart we had a cashier who was a boy with the same complexion, dark hair and eyes as J.  As he paid attention to Jessa she was quick to act coy, turn her shoulder towards him and tilt her head in a smile.  For some reason she just really was taken with this Cashier and really loved to make faces at him that brightened his day and made us laugh.  J was joking with Jessa that she was being a flirt but she was so happy to flash this guy a smile.

Last night in the bath tub I really got a glimpse of how my baby's personality was going to be as she blossomed into a little girl.  I was playing with Jessa as she was bathing and I kept making funny faces at her as I shot one of her baby doll bottles across the bath tub so it splashed her as it hit the water.  Jessa squealed with laughter as the water splashed her and it got to the point where two times she flew under the water because she was laughing so hard.  Her joy and delight in a simple game made motherhood worth it.  It made those hard times of teething worth every minute and second, and I am so happy for that.

Finding His Hand

Today I prayed for recognition in how Heavenly Father helped me in my life today where there was divine intervention and that I could find gratitude for it.  Today it came in the form of a simple prayer I mumbled as I drove home with Jessa after meeting up with a friend.  I hate icy roads, snowy roads... anything other than clear roads really and so I silently and simply asked if Heavenly Father would allow for the lights to be green the entire way home so that I would not have to stop and panic causing our van to fishtail.  As I met the first green light I whispered a prayer of thanks and as the second, then third, fourth, and fifth light all stayed green hitting yellow than red just as I passed through showed me that Heavenly Father was ever mindful of me.  It may seem like such a simple thing but ever since having Jessa I have had panic attacks driving in Edmonton and so it was a blessing the entire way home as each light I met with what I needed it to be to drive with confidence.  Oh how mindful the Lord is of us.  Tonight it was a blessing also to get out of the house as I met with a friend tonight at Starbucks and  away from the daily focus on school, family, and work and focus on helping others.  My friend Fernando and I chatted about our future goals in life and bounced ideas back and forth about what would be our best choices of action.  I helped him fix up his resume and chatted with him about interview questions and he asked me what course of action he should take.  Now he is not a member and so as we talked it was interesting when he asked for advice the first thing I wanted to tell him was to pray and ask Heavenly Father what to do.  But I had to stop myself quickly when I remembered that I don't know exactly where he stands in terms of religion.  This was the gentle reminder that I needed in my own life that Heavenly Father truly does know best and will guide us where we need to go and be.

Lost...

Do you remember the movie Lilo and Stitch when Lilo realizes that he doesn't remember who he was created by and Lilo offers her acceptance and love even when he destroys all the things around him?  So Stitch takes the Ugly Duckling story and goes off into the woods and opens it up to realize he like the ugly duckling is lost.  Lilo and Stitch is one of my favorite stories and yesterday an overwhelming power came over me and I felt that same way Just lost.

So many times I have come to ask the question of why I am faced with the challenges I have and am struggling to gain acceptance that even through my hardest trials that I have not been forgotten.  I know I talked about not praying for the longest time because I felt abandoned by the Lord but I have learned a greater lesson not praying and being casual in our worship is just as bad.  Those feelings of despair and disappointment did not leave and I didn't find the peace I was seeking.  You can't offer the same prayer over doing it half-heartedly because I learned the hard way that this still doesn't bring the peace you will seek.  So again after months in casual worship I prayed to have a purified heart... to remove all the pain, anguish, and hurt... hurt that as many times as I have tried to research about forgiveness through a psychology perspective I have learned that the peace that we seek only will truly come from the Savior.  I love the new Relief Society Presidency and really appreciated the talk, "The Lord Has Not Forgotten You"  I listened to it today after I worked out and knew that that talk was a gift from Heavenly Father to me today as a reminder that He is there; willing to be my friend, my confidant, my everything if I will stop placing a wall between our relationship.  I appreciated that Sister. Reeves allows us to see her natural man as well and how she learned from it, and I now know like her that I can be healed of the anguish I face.  "Many years ago my husband became very ill with a rare disease. As the weeks went by and the sicker he became, the more I became convinced that he was dying. I told no one of my fears. We had a large, young family and a loving, eternal marriage, and the thought of losing my husband and raising my children by myself filled me with loneliness, despair, and even anger. I am ashamed to say that I pulled away from my Heavenly Father. For days I quit praying; I quit planning; I cried. I finally came to the realization that I could not do this alone.

For the first time in many days, I knelt down and poured out my heart to my Father in Heaven, pleading for forgiveness for turning away from Him, telling Him all of my deepest feelings, and finally crying out that if this was what He really wanted me to do, I would do it. I knew He must have a plan for our lives.

As I continued on my knees to pour out my heart, the sweetest, most peaceful, loving feeling came over me. It was as if a blanket of love was flowing over me. It was as if I could feel Heavenly Father saying, “That was all I needed to know.” I determined never to turn away from Him again.

Just as the Lord has testified to me that He has not forgotten His precious daughter Mollie Lenthal, I testify that He has not forgotten you! Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He knows and understands those very moments. He loves you! And He will carry you through those moments, just as He did Mary and Martha. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell Him about your pain and afflictions and then give them to Him. Search the scriptures daily. There you will also find great solace and help.

Our Savior asked:

“For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. …

“… I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”

Sometimes I think we all forget that we are children of a loving God who is always mindful of us but what touched my heart today and allowed me to recognize the love that I was seeking was the tender reminder that we really have been graven upon the Saviour's palms.  

Gentle Reminders

I woke up this morning so looking forward to church and the peace I knew I would find there.  I was looking forward to Sacrament Meeting and knowing that my cup was empty and ready to be filled.  So when we got to church to find that the time had jumped forward one hour and we were actually late by an hour for church instead of early my heart sank.  How could this have happened to me but I learned so quickly that everything is in God's hands.  Today was a day that felt so guided by Him, so enriched and so blessed.  I learned so humbly again that I need to stop forcing my will on Heavenly Father but allow His will to work through me.  For a long long time I have felt so distant from the Lord and betrayed by things that have happened to me in the past couple of years and I continually asked why God would let these things happen to me and the answer has always been the same.

Mosiah 3:19 "19 For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyieldsto the enticings of the ^fHoly Spirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnaturalman and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

And I continued to ask why, why did you send this affliction for me to endure if I was just to submit my will... I thought I knew I would, in my heart I felt I would... but again I just didn't understand and so Heavenly Father has taught me in so many quiet and gentle loving ways.  

One way in which this gentle reminder came was a blog post by Adeye at No Greater Joy Mom.  Here is a lady who is so willing to follow what Heavenly Father has asked and after a great leap of faith almost faced the death of some of her children to an illness that invaded their household... and her quiet words were the gentle reminder from God that no one is immune even when we follow His will...  Adeye says below,

"I don't know why God chooses to do the things He does.  I will never understand His ways this side of heaven.

But ever so slowly, I am beginning to get it.

The valley too is a beautiful place to be...

It's where the light of Christ shines brightly.

Where profound and lasting lessons are learned.

And where we come out on the other side knowing that our Father in heaven is alive and well and more than able to carry our burdens."


Oh what a reminder I needed that Heavenly Father loves us and we need Him.  I have felt so betrayed by something that I will never share on my blog or will I tell a lot of people but it is something that has lead me to a great internal struggle that I have had.  I have prayed and pondered and reflected and tonight was taught the importance of just submitting to His will.  Elder David A Bednar just talked at a CES broadcast that has forever changed my view of heaven.  I will never know why Heavenly Father gave me that trial but I need to always remember that is better not to shake than to not survive.  Our gift of faith is so important to hold dear and close to our hearts and so with a resolute and resounding affirmation of yes we can follow the example of Adeye and remember that it is in this life where profound and lasting lessons are learned.