U means unbelievable

I never thought that the end of my pregnancy would be near and that in just a couple of weeks that there will be a little one that enters our home.  Life really changes and flops upside down as you prepare to have a baby in your home.  The word me seems to be completely gone from my vocabulary and includes us and she... and I love it.  I couldn't ask for anything better.  I am really excited to be a mom and feel the joy it will bring.  I know it is going to be hard work and to get through I will need to trust in a loving father in Heaven but I know it will be worth it.

I am so grateful for Jessica, a friend in my ward, who has helped me in numerous ways prepare for baby.  She has driven me to pick up baby stuff, helped me to break into my trunk when silly hubbins and I locked the key back there, and has genuinely just been a support to me.  Having family be far away it has been nice to have an adopted big sister who is so willing to drop everything she is doing to help me.  She offered to help me install the car seat if J and I couldn't get it done and it just feels so nice to have someone care and cheer you on.  It's unbelievable how sweet my life has become.  I definitely don't know what is going to happen in our future but I do know that it is unbelievable how the blessings always come in just the way they need to and when they need to.

T means hindsight is twenty twenty

I love Relief Society and missed it a lot when I was in primary but I learned again today just how much Heavenly Father knows us.  So I found out a couple of weeks back that my sweet ultrasound tech was actually a member of our ward... shows how much I get out of my primary bubble!  But anyways, today she was teaching a lesson on personal revelation through our struggles.  Her lesson really hit home with me as she talked about how Heavenly Father hand moulds our trials and how He knows how we are going to react to certain trials.  It was then discussed how our trials and testimonies are like a circle, we need trials to strengthen our testimonies but then need our testimonies in times of our trials.  We then discussed how through trials sometimes we become spiritually apathetic.

It was during this discussion I had my aha moment.  It was said that when we become spiritually apathetic our testimonies falter and that our testimonies either are increasing or plummeting there is no plateau.  When that was said I realized why I had been put in primary as my calling.  Heavenly Father knew of my spiritual apathy before I knew about it.  During some trials I had when J and I first got married, I am ashamed to admit it, but I turned away from Heavenly Father.  I would read my scriptures and pray only to fulfill my calling for primary.  I was angry and was trying to punish Him for what He was putting me through.  It was such a natural man's response to dealing with trials and I realized that in my choice to turn again towards Him and not away that He was there still encouraging me and moulding me through the calling I had.  The primary children didn't need those lessons more than I did, I needed those lessons more.  I was being taught to humble myself and turn to Him even if it was just for my calling.

Looking back now I feel pretty silly in falling in my faith and testimony.  But through returning to reading the scriptures I have learned that no one is exempt from the trials that come from Heavenly Father to refine us.  A lady whose blog I follow summed it up so eloquently by saying it so simply:

"When I look at people in the Bible, I see ordinary folks just like us.  God never chose people who were born amazing in every way to do the extraordinary things.  No, He chose sinners, weak, frail, inadequate, simple people.  What turned those humble beings into some of the greatest heroes and role models who have ever walked the earth was just one little word.  That’s all it took, really--

“Yes!”"

And I feel like this is the lesson I needed to learn the entire time.  I can admit it now without being ashamed.  I am not perfect but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I can be but I will always fall without Him.  Heavenly Father will continue to shape and mould me into the daughter He needs me to be and it is okay that I am a sinner, weak, frail, sometimes rebellent (is that even a word?!), faithless but through trusting in my Heavenly Father, He always will allow us to return and teach us when we are willing to humble ourselves.    

S means Silly Jonathan

One thing I love about mr. hubbins is that he has such a funny outlook on life and a great sense of humour.  Yesterday he decided to cut his hair and take pictures in the process of doing so.  I will let the pictures speak for themselves but I have to share this funny story with you.

I have tried to eat really healthy throughout my pregnancy but sometimes I crave Root beer, Fresca or the fizzy carbonation of Soda Water ... which is weird I never liked Root beer or Soda Water before.  I usually try to choose the latter two of the three choices because they have zero calories but sometimes you've got to splurge.  J had come with my grocery shopping because of my high bp and I am nervous to go anywhere alone.  I asked him to grab some Rootbeer for us and so he went to grab some.  He grabbed the right bottle but then second guessed himself after he read the title.  "racinette!"  What the heck is racinette?!  I just wanted root beer!"  So J proceeds to put the bottle back and grabs it again.  "Oh that is in french, it is root beer!" Haha oh silly mr hubbins.

 J's hair was long enough to put in mini braids 

with elastics... I would braid his hair some nights

 Racing Stripes... We shaved it all off

It's all gone... I wish he would of made a nicer

face but there is the difference in what we shaved off :)

On a side note I know everyone has been wanting to see picture of my pregnant belly, and I have finally caved.  Tomorrow night J is going to take me for family home evening to do some belly shots for you in the park.  I was hesitant to take any for I have some issues that I don't want to talk about... but I have found my pregnancy to be very self-healing in terms of my self-confidence about my body image and I will use the pictures we take to celebrate that.  

R means Results and Remembering Him

My dream ever since I was little was to be a stay at home mom.  I wanted to have tons of kids running around my house where their voices and squeals of delight echoed throughout the house and yard.  I think that is one of my favourite sounds that I cherish so much is hearing the children play on the playground or at the park and you can hear their joy from anywhere in the neighbourhood.

As soon as J and I got married, mr hubbins had baby fever.  He talked all the time about how he wanted a baby and how babies were so cute, so needless to say when we got pregnant he was beyond ecstatic. But I am going to admit as excited as I was to be pregnant I was a bit fearful.  I was afraid because I hadn't finished school and by the time baby was to come I would have a handful of spanish classes left to do and my last teaching practicum.  I really didn't want to leave my baby with someone else but over the months of my pregnancy I have felt a reassuring calm that this is the purpose of a loving Heavenly Father who knows me personally and what I need.  I have a reassurance that all will be well and I can get my schooling done and still have the personal opportunity to watch my baby grow.

I'll try hard not to cry as I write this post because each day I feel a bit more how close Heavenly Father really is and how much love he has for me.  Getting an education has been really important to me since I was little.  I wanted to make my momma proud of me and be the first one from both sides of my extended family in cousins to get a post-secondary education.  So finishing school was a personal goal of mine and it became a commandment as President Hinckley encouraged the youth and young single adults to get an education.  Fulfilling this commandment has been an amazing opportunity.  I have struggled through classes and easily excelled in others but I will tell you how much of a trial it was this past semester.

One thing about pregnancy is that you have baby brain and it is so so hard to remember anything.  So I had a weight on my chest because I struggled with remembering facts for exams and already not being strong in exams I worried.  But over the semester as I wrote my midterms and finals, some how the information just came back to my remembrance.  I received my final grades for the two education classes I was taking and was shocked to find that the grades were the highest I have received in the U of A.  In the semester I struggled the most due to pregnancy health, having high blood pressure, and not being able to remember the Lord blessed me the most, and I will forever be indebted with gratitude unto  Him.  It was such a testimony builder to me that as we fulfill the commandments of the Lord and walk in His path that He will bless us in ways unimaginable.

The song that comes to my mind is "I Feel My Saviour's Love"

I feel My Saviour's love in all the world around me, his spirit warms my soul, through everything I see. 

I feel my Saviour's love his gentleness enfolds me, And when I kneel to pray my heart is filled with peace. 

I feel my Saviour's love, and know that He will bless me, his spirit warms my soul, through everything I see. 

He knows I will follow him, give all my life to him. I feel my Saviors love, the love he freely gives me.


But I can't stop with my gratitude there.  I have to also say how grateful for my hard working hubbins who put off going to school full time this last semester to help me with my pregnancy and work extra hours to provide for our babykins.  It is so humbling to know just how much our Heavenly Father loves us personally and knows our wants and desires.  I am grateful to be blessed for my hubbins who supported me through school as we were married and encouraged me to continue on in my university goal when there was a lot of adversity to get there.  We are definitely blessed with the people we need in our lives.  

Q means Quick Update

Hey Friends!
I feel like it has been forever and I have to admit that I am totally dropping the ball of blogging until after my final tomorrow.  My blood pressure after leaving the hospital has still been sky high but baby is doing fine and is happy.  We went to see Dr. DL today and he checked me.  Cervix is closed and baby is still sky high.  I don't know why I love saying sky high in relation to baby, I just honestly think it is hilarious.

This week has really been a trial of faith for me and J.  I think to myself that God must really have a sense of humour, even if I don't find it funny.  If we didn't have enough dealing with my blood pressure being all over the map poor mr hubbins came down with the flu and has been fighting a fever the entire week.  So while we both are in school studying like mad, we have been trying to nurse each other back to health.  I will be so grateful when finals are done tomorrow! I need to go grocery shopping really bad and finish up baby stuff.  But I am happy to say we have lived with the food we had available for almost 3 weeks not bad if I do say so myself.

36 Weeks!

Baby girl we made it to 36 weeks and you have been the best baby for your crazy momma!  I know you are a blessing from God and I promise you that you fulfill the commandments of the Lord and the covenants that you make with Him you will be blessed immensely.  If you ever wonder what I am talking about I want you to read the post from my A- Z: Results and Remembering Him.  I am so excited to be your momma, I am scared that I am going to make mistakes but I hope that together we can learn from them and both grow closer to Him as a result.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted on my shoulders now that school is done but more importantly not that we are at 36 weeks.  We were told at the hospital that if you came before we would be shipped out to another hospital because they are small and don't deal with any complicated pregnancies, so your dad and I were grateful as the 36 week mark hit and we knew you could come any time to be with us and have the birth the way we were envisioning it to be.  Your movements are getting stronger and I feel you move around a lot now.  Lots of times you are facing my spine and so I feel you on the inside but not on the outside but you have been squirmy a lot lately I think because it is getting tight in there for you.  I can't believe it is less than 4 weeks and you could be here.

Some fun facts about you:

• You are the size of  a coconut and are starting to chub out.  You measure in at 17.2 inches to 18.7 inches and weigh in about 4.5 pounds.  I sometimes wonder if you are going to be a long chub baby but both Daddy and I were small in weight at the lower 7 pounds... and normal length.  I hope you are little just so it is easier to get you out. :)
• We go for your last ultrasound this Wednesday before you come.  Daddy is taking a class so I will get pictures and maybe a disc of you moving around... we will see how it goes.  
• This week you have accomplished the feats needed to survive easier in this world from: your live and kidneys are now all ready to go, and your circulation and immune system is in working order!
• Your skin is getting soft and your gums are rigid so you can have beautiful teeth :)
• Your adopted Aunt Jessica gave us a whole bunch of baby stuff for you to wear and some super cute outfits, she has been an angel for us as I have struggled with my pregnancy.  

Daddy has decided he doesn't like one of the middle names we picked for you and so we are trying to find the perfect middle name now.  We agree on two out of the three so we are doing well!  We love you baby and can't wait to meet you.

P means praise

I used to scoff at some wonderful Christian Women who would spend countless numbers of their posts praising God but I in fact am going to do just that.  I don't know why it is that I need health challenges to humble me and teach me about the grace and mercy of God, and ultimately his love.

It's funny how the simplest promptings and answers of how to change that comes through prayer can have the most life altering, testimony building, and love growing effects.  I have been one sick little cookie with my blood pressure lately, so bad in fact that even though I have been down playing how bad it was I was admitted to the hospital.

J and I had woken up to go to church and I had a temple recommend meeting before hand.  We had rushed over to the church only to find out that the counsellor who I was supposed to be meeting with had forgotten about our appointment and getting anything ready for me coming.  I was not feeling well and he asked if I could stick around after church to do it.  I told them I wasn't feeling good and that I was going to be leaving after sacrament meeting to go home.  So the other counsellor who has so much compassion offered to do it before I left.

We went into sacrament and I just felt off... something didn't feel right.  I hadn't taken my aspirin dose so I chalked it up to that.  J kept asking me if I was okay and I said I felt sick and nauseous.  Mr hubbins looked at me and said "well tell me if you need anything because your face is really red"  as soon as those words came out of his mouth I really didn't feel good.  I kept seeing white spots and I thought goodness I know I need to go to the hospital.  I looked at J and told him and he asked if I wanted to leave sacrament to go but I thought I could make it through.  J said that we should check my blood pressure at walmart before going to the hospital so that we could be admitted quickly if my blood pressure was high.  It was definitely high all 3 of my readings were 150 numbers / 97's.  So we went to the hospital where I was admitted right away.  They took blood and urine samples.  My urine had 3 plus protein so they called Dr. DL in.  He wanted me on 24 hour assessment so I was brought up to the maternity unit room 30.  And I laid on a bed for the entire sunday day.

And this is simply where the praise of God is due.  I have to admit that I am a worrier.  I am a planner and I really dislike the unknown it scares me.  When I was brought up to my room they encouraged me to have a shower which I did and get into my gown before laying down on the bed.  The nurse I had was so sweet and explained to us that this is the type of room we would be in when we had baby.  I would deliver in my room, baby would be in my room after she came, and it was all beautiful natural lighting.  They encouraged patients to keep the lights off during the day to keep the room calm and peaceful.  It was being there that I suddenly felt an immense peace come over my body, I knew it would be okay to deliver at the hospital and I would be in good hands.

The nurses checked my blood pressure every 45 minutes approximately and by laying down and relaxing my blood pressure had gown down to 130 numbers / 70's.  It had dropped a lot and the nurses were amazed.  I hadn't taken any medication, I wasn't complaining and when Dr. DL came to see me he again just thought it was stress induced high blood pressure but he decided to keep me overnight for 24 hours.  J and I made a plan and he went home to grab stuff for work the next day and so he left.  I was scared being alone but they had baby hooked up to a monitor and through her heart beats and kicks being recorded on the monitor I drifted off to sleep.  No sooner had I done that when Dr. DL came back in to say that he was really impressed with how quickly and how on its own my blood pressure had dropped.  He said if my readings were to continue in this way that I would be sent home.  He had reviewed my blood work and everything had come back perfectly normal, there was nothing to worry about.  He said that he didn't think I would need to continue with my aspirin but to just relax with bed rest and to go for walks to get some exercise as a stress reliever.

So at eight o clock last night I was released from the hospital to come home.  The only catch to this joy is I have to pee in a jug for 24 hours so that they can do tests at the hospital for protein in my urine and why it is there but oh it feels so good to be home.

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who uses trials like these to teach us.  This became an opportunity for J and I to bond and for me to fully trust and rely only on him.  With parents and family so far away it became a basis to rely on each other and we made it and came out stronger because of it. J gave me a beautiful blessing the night before we went into the hospital where I was promised that everything would be alright and it was.  I was blessed with a doctor who has respected my wishes not to be put on medications and that the aspirin I had taken counter acted whatever was going on and I am oh so grateful.

Right now I feel like Ammon did in Alma.  I cannot boast of my own strength but of the Lord for He is so good to me.

Alma 26:

11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not ^aboast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my ^bjoy is full, yea, my heart is brim with ^cjoy, and I will rejoice in my God.

 12 Yea, I know that I am ^anothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will ^bnot boast of myself, but I will ^cboast of my God, for in his ^dstrength I can do all ^ethings; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

I feel like more blessings have come from this trial than anything else.  Baby is healthy and happy.  The nurses commented on how she moved a lot and seemed to be very healthy and right on track.  That's what we were hoping for and I am grateful for all the things I gave up or chose not to do from the time of my youth that has given us this beautiful healthy girl.  The Lord in his infinite grace and mercy always knows best and I will praise Him forever.

O means ohana

One of my favourite movies is Lilo and Stitch for the simple message it shares about accepting one another for our differences. But I also love it for the phrase Ohana.  When  mr hubbins and I got married we had the Lilo and Stitch quote on our favours.  The quote is this, "Ohana means family.  And family means that nobody gets left behind or forgotten."

When J and I first started dating, mr hubbins would joke that we were Lilo and Stitch.  J had just learned english and I could always understand what he was trying to say and translate it for whoever was misunderstanding him.  J became my Stitch and I became his Lilo.  Although life has drastically changed from the time that we were dating, every day I am falling in love more and more with mr hubbins as we find ways to serve one another, to play together and learn not only together but from one another.  I love how supportive he is of my goals and dreams, how he has patience when I am being a silly girl but mostly I love the compassion he shows not only to me but others that are in need.  J is willing to give the shirt off his back to help someone else and I will always be amazed by his simple love to help others in need.  J is a blessing in my life and one person that I knew since the time we were dating that I was not willing to leave him behind or forget him.

I am grateful that our little ohana will soon grow and a baby that is part me and part J will grace our home with her heaven like presence.  I know that not every day is going to be rainbows, butterflies, and cupcakes but I do know that family is worth it and this is oh so wonderful to me.

N means Never say Never

Nope no baby yet!  I think some of you may have wondered if some kind of early labor happened when my hiatuses from my blog occur.  But truthfully I have been fighting having high high blood pressure, fighting some kind of allergy, flu, cold thing and just being super exhausted.  Remind me again why I thought it would be a good idea to take classes so late into my pregnancy?  Oh right I think it had to do with wanting to finish my degree at some point in my life but the serious studying that has been going on and the counteracting of my baby brain being on strike has just ended up being exhausting.

I wish I sometimes I would think before I would speak because I have kind of had something to bite me in the bum. Hence why my blog title is N means never say never.  Having high blood pressure during pregnancy is a very scary thing... because it really puts your whole pregnancy into the Lord's hands.  It is the ultimate test of faith where you have to trust in Him that He knows what is best for you.  Going to the hospital to be admitted has become a very real situation for me since Wednesday.  I was told to keep an eye on my blood pressure to make sure that it was not over anymore.  I went to check it yesterday.  First time I checked it, it was 146/91.... Ugh seriously I was not impressed I didn't want to go to the hospital... I felt fine and I knew I was stressed... I kept telling myself to relax.  I just feel with the baby coming so quickly and with finals that everything was out of control.  J and I have been bickering a bit with both being stressed about school... no bueno my friends no bueno!

So I decided that I would continue my day and check it after I picked up J from work.  Man I have got to stop taking the car when we only have one.  So I went with my friend Jess and we picked up a whole bunch of stuff to prep me for when baby was to come.  I felt more at ease and more relaxed having this done.  But when I went to pick up J from work I started seeing those horrible white spots that they warn you about and tell you how you might have pre-eclampsia... I get to J's work tell him that I need him to drive and what is happening.  He asks me what I want to do.  I know what I want to do and what I should do... so I say well let's go home let me rest and then pray about what we should do.  I feel fine I don't feel like I need to go to the hospital... I know that high blood pressure is bad I really do.  So we go home and I sleep three hours and then J and I say a prayer together.  I plead with Heavenly Father to know if going to the hospital is the right thing to do, and a prompting I got early this week actually sitting in Dr. DL's office pops into my head.  Start taking half a baby's aspirin until you are finished exams.  Up your potassium, vitamin c, be religious in taking your Materna (prenatal vitamin) and drink lots of water.  Cut salt mega big time don't even use it for seasoning.

I bit my tongue trying not to cry... this whole pregnancy I would rather die than take medicine that could harm my baby, affect my pregnancy and then I realized that I either needed to trust in Heavenly Father to do this or I needed to go to the hospital.  My health needs to be taken care of so baby is okay.  My friend Jess was induced early because she had pre-eclampsia that went untreated.  I looked at mr hubbins and I told him the prompting I was getting and he said that it was better for me to obey than land myself in the hospital so we wandered off to the store.  Before we went however I researched and researched and researched some more about pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure during pregnancy and the treatment given.  Low dosages of aspirin... interesting no?

We get to the store and I checked my blood pressure it was down to 149/87... hallelujah this is similar to what it was at Dr. DL's when they finally let me go home.  So I knew this was a good sign.  We bought a bunch of fruit and came home.  I went to bed and slept for a good 8 hours.  Woke up prepped J's stuff for work, ate some breakfast, and then went back to bed for 2 hours.  I was feeling a bit better.  The incessant shaking of my hands when I moved them had stopped, I felt a bit better and wasn't having any kind of funky vision.  I am still exhausted to say the least but I feel better.  I prayed again about my decision and it feels right.  I will check my blood pressure again tonight we will wander off to Shoppers to check it, see if we are on the right track and then tomorrow I will get jess' hubbins Dale to help J give me a blessing while we are at church.

I know I am sick now though because my whole pregnancy I have been hot but it hasn't been uncomfortable due to the winter.  But last night and today when I woke up from my naps just drenched because I was sweating so much.  It only happens when I am sick so I am finally learning that stress + sickness + pregnancy + gaining weight = a high blood pressure

I can eliminate the sickness and stress if I keep sleeping but I have been given the prompting of bed rest so I have been trying to do that.  I got up and cleaned my house so we are more prepped for baby but I am keeping it on the low.  I am hoping that we can break this high blood pressure and that I haven't developed pre-eclampsia.  Going for blood tests on Monday.  So here's praying, hoping and learning to never say never...

M means Marriage

I came across this entry from my drafts.  I don't know why it was never posted or when it was even written but I felt like this sums up a lot of what has happened in our marriage that J and I have learned from.  I have so much to say about marriage but being so exhausted I feel like this is a great lesson that I have learned about marriage.  I am always learning, growing and changing in my marriage but this is a testimony of strength I have gained about marriage.  These problems are now long gone from having family member involvement but the lesson still remains just as prevalent today as it did when I wrote this beautiful post.  I have learned to remember that Satan is always trying to destroy marriages and families and he will do it through seeking out unnecessary involvement from other family members. We just had a recently married little family break apart in our ward that I mourn for because of their 2 year old son, who are ending their marriage because of too much parent involvement from the wife's side.  Parents need to encourage their children to fix their marriages, to seek the counsel of the bishop, to get counselling not be the ones paying for the divorce attorney...  I know there are special circumstances and if this is the case... take your heart and run if abuse is happening in any way... but for the marriages that are failing due to outside circumstances, misunderstandings, being unforgiving... I will state the words of President. Uchtdorf "Stop it."  And without further ado here is my message about marriage:

Now I am not trying to complain but there is something weighing on my chest that I want to get off and move on from.  I am sick today and stuffed up.  Being sick is never fun but being sick and pregnant, with no option out really is not fun.  I have come to see through this hard hard year that is slowly and quickly passing how much my life has changed.

I am so grateful to live in a time when the Lord's church is again upon the earth and knowing that the revelation that the prophet and his counsellors, and the twelve apostles receive comes straight from heaven.

One of our biggest problems from just not knowing and a lack of understanding as a newly wed couple was having too much family involvement that influenced our marriage in a negative way.  It took a lot to change the relationships between family members and it is still a learning experience that occurs each day but it was one of the greatest things J and I could do to save our marriage from a dangerous path we were being lead down by the entrapments of Satan.  I love that the church has counselled us to leave our parents and cling to our spouses because that is what the Lord intended for us to do.  I love the analogy that as much as Heavenly Father loved us when He sent us to this earth, He could not come with us and this is very much like how a marriage has to be because of necessity.

I believe your family needs to support you in the decisions you make but ultimately know and realize that it now is just you and your spouse.  They no longer can have a say in how their child runs their life individually or collectively as a family.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I had always sought the help of my mom and changing that relationship on both parts was a hard hard process.  It was learning that the only one who could know about my marital problems was Heavenly Father and he would direct my path to get the necessary help.  It was learning that sometimes even though your parents have the best intentions, that their advice though is loving might not always be the best for what your family needs.  It is learning that once you get married that your parents no longer get jurisdiction or the constant revelation on how to teach you because that is no longer their responsibility as a parent.  It is learning that Heavenly Father will reveal to the individual who needs the help what to do or the spouse.

In cleaning the house, I usually like to have some noise in the background because of how creepy our apartment is when I am alone.  I was one day watching Dr. Phil and he had some parents on his show who had very extreme styles of parenting, much of what I disagreed with but I always like to know how others perceive life and children especially in my pursuit to be a teacher.  Dr. Phil was talking to one mother about how it is important in a child parent relationship to spend time mothering and teaching your child, but also taking the time to be a mom where you can be a friend and allow your child to have fun with you.  It is a hard lesson for some parents to learn as their children grow up is learning when to turn off the parenting button and just be a friend.  This totally relates to when your children get married and move on in their life with their spouse.  It is no longer a time to mother or father, but a time to just be a mom or dad.  To be the support children need and desire.  I am not trying to point fault at either my parents or in-laws because both I feel have great attributes in how they have parented and lead J and I to where we are today.

But I feel like this needs to be said based on some things that have occurred over this past year,  I have learned to live and let go of how relationships were in the past and learn that sometimes the best answer is change.

I guess what I am trying to do is take a stand on marriage again and just truthfully share with whoever is willing to listen how damaging a relationship can become when anyone else other than the two spouses become involved.  It takes a toll on the marriage and can sometimes hurt potentially long lasting eternal relationships.

I have seen the difference that has come to mr hubbins and I's marriage as we truly have become team MJ and that we were the only ones who could influence the other.  There were times where it felt like we would topple down because we didn't know what to do but we always seemed to figure it out and came out stronger than before.  We learned to be each other's confidant, cheer leader, support system, the shoulder to cry on, and the friend that is needed in a marriage, and in doing so life feels good oh so good.

As J and I have had some opportunities to sit together and have heart felt conversations because the stress of school has been put on hold I shared with mr hubbins how important our relationship is.  This last year has been hard and the trials we faced are ones I would never want to have to endure again but I am grateful for the learning and strength that has come as we have worked past what has happened.  I am grateful that J and I are where we need to be and that is the best thing ever <3

35 Weeks!

Oh dear today is the day of 35 weeks and only 35 days until your official due date!  Our calendar has started filling up fast for May... so I hope you come kind of later on in the month because we have a lot planned for the beginning like a crash course pre-natal class on May 5th.  Really after this day I think I will be officially as unready ready as I could ever be.  Talking to my mom and your grandma has been a lot of help!  She told me that the longest labour she had from start to finish was 6 hours... lovely!!  I hope this a genetic that we have picked up because this means that a natural labour will go smooth as smooth can be.  I can tell we are in the last lap of pregnancy because my hips have really started to hurt that the only way I can walk is to waddle.  I am glad that you are head down and ready to go this makes me feel more confident that we can work as a team for you to come out quick and easy.

Fun facts about you this week are:

• you are in the 50th percentile for weight and we go for on ultrasound again in 2 weeks to be able to check your fetal growth.
• you are the size of a butternut squash.  Your length is approximately 18 inches and probably weigh in around 4.2 pounds.  
• you have started to definitely be stuck in one spot but seem to flip a lot to get comfy.  
• when we went to check your heartbeat with Dr. DL he found it right away except that you were on the left side of my belly button rather than your preferred spot the right.  
• you can officially hear high pitch noises.. which means I guess I need to stop with my road rage and yelling at cars while I am driving... haha okay so maybe this just happens when people cut me off and I freak out and yell what are you doing?!!  I am such a cautious driver and it drives J crazy but seriously I hate driving in Edmonton.
• mom's started to pack the hospital bags and have your bassinet ready to hold you and your clothes and diapers are all out and ready to go.  Yay for coming in only 5 weeks!!

L means lopsided

Today I had another final!  Two down and one more to go *insert a little happy dance here*  It was funny to walk into class today because there is a student who I am sure has some kind of special needs or learning disability exclaimed "wow, you're huge!"  I kind of just laughed and said "I know!" I was thinking I definitely feel it as I waddle along because I can't figure out my center of gravity.  I wrote my final and felt pretty good about it... came home to change into pajamas and looked down my huge belly is lopsided very lopsided.  It is funny to look down and see my entire stomach sitting to the left.  I showed J and we were able to feel where baby was.  She has been moving a lot and I love feeling my little one somersault across my tummy.  It looks so funny to see your entire tummy doing the wave across your shirt.

I am getting more and more excited that baby is only 5 weeks from coming and that she will soon grace our home with the presence of heaven!!  We are so excited <3

K means Kabinkies

When we first moved to Edmonton it was a very lonely time for us.  J and I are both social creatures by nature and we just didn't seem to fit into our ward.  We were the in between couple... too young to hang out with the couples who had families and were established and just a bit too new to the married world to take part in friendships with a bunch of radiating pregnant mommas wandering around the halls of the church.  If someone told me last year that I was going to be having a baby girl in only five weeks and have a huge social network of people who are inviting mr hubbins and I to be our friends, I would have honestly thought you were lying to me.  Ever since we have announced the news of our pregnancy to the ward, and have new families with little ones moving into the ward it seems like there are friends everywhere.  I didn't realize that the code word to being popular in our ward was to say that you were expecting a precious kabinky or have one.

I am so grateful for friends and a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed me with the opportunity to get to know a lot of different people in our ward now.  I keep almost spilling the name of baby... so maybe if you monitor closely you will get a sneak preview due to my baby brain and finals brain mixed together.

I am excited to have my precious baby kabinky soon and can't wait to hold her in my arms but I have realized that she needs to stay in there for another week and a half.  My poor baby kabinky is definitely a fighter and a survivor who has been put through a lot this month.  Today was any expectant mom's nightmare... and here is why.

I had a routine checkup at Dr. DL's, no sweat I thought.  Check baby's heartbeat, find out why she is not growing, and then we would be out of there.  I go my blood pressure is registering 156/ 94 or something crazy... not good!  So they tell me to see Dr. DL and then figure it out from there.  Dr. DL listens to baby's heartbeat she is doing great 147.  My kabinky is my survivor, my hero, ultimately my little buddy who really comes with me everywhere.  The doctor tells me that the ultrasound place got it wrong.  Somehow they had stated that baby was in the 5th percentile of weight when reality she was in the 50th percentile.  You go my precious baby, I knew we were doing okay... (at least I like to pretend to) so great I can go home now right?  No wrong dang you blood pressure... I am registering over 90 the entire time...

Let's face the reality I am probably getting sent to the hospital to be admitted and monitored... I start to cry.  I have the car, we only have one car, J is still at work off and I can't leave to go get him because my blood pressure is too high.  I try to keep it together but I fail the second last test... seriously the time has come where dr. dl says they can try one more time but if I fail unfortunately he has to take me to the hospital.  Not going to lie I finally break down and I cry with him right there and he is so sweet and just continues to say "it's okay to cry"... I have learned that poor mr hubbins doesn't deal well with stress and is freaking out more than I am.  I put my brave face on become a fighter again and think it through.

I turn to the only possible source I know and I pray.  I know it is time to take things into my own hands. So i text my sweet friend Jessica who so lovingly dropped everything that she was doing to go get mr hubbins from work and drive him to the dr's office located across from the hospital.  It was a scary day for me today to be alone in the doctor's office not knowing what was going to happen and sweet dear Jessica texted me to trust in the Lord because he won't give us trials that we can't handle.

I love my dear kabinky but I am definitely not ready for her to come yet.  So when the reality was that the hospital could be in my future today I prayed.  My blood pressure dropped after checking it for four hours every twenty minutes and I came home.  My dear precious kabinky you are my fighter and survivor.  I am so grateful that you are so healthy even when your momma is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.  So even though today turned into a nightmare for me... I am grateful to have a precious little one on the way and to be blessed with now being on the "in" because of the one simple phrase "I have a little kabinky on the way"  Friends are such a blessing, that's for sure.

J means just....

So if in reality if I really had the time I wanted to write a beautiful post today I would be talking about my husband J and how grateful I am for him... but unfortunately, with a final today, an assignment due tomorrow, and then a final on thursday I am going to have to leave you with some of the best advice I have ever received of how to handle stress when you feel like you are going to explode.  I love children's movies and they teach the greatest lessons.  So in times of stress like this... here are the characters who said it best:

"Just keep swimming"- Dory

and 

"Just smile and wave" - Madagascar Penguins

I means inspiration

Yesterday at church in the gospel principles class we were talking about that a part of the repentance process is that when you have a change of heart you need to listen to the inspiration of the holy ghost and follow the promptings you are given.  If you don't follow those promptings you show that you do not have a truly repentant heart.

I sometimes feel that some of the promptings we are given that the Lord needs us for are not always going to be things we want to do but it is important that we do always follow the promptings!  I have learned that as we follow one simple prompting the Lord will bless us as we follow through with what he expects of us.  I am off again to study for my first final tomorrow. And then it will be one down and two to go!  Thank goodness I am almost done university for a while.  My pregnancy brain is seriously taking over!

H means Happy Easter

I am grateful for this easter season.  It was a wonderful day filled with answers to prayers and wonderful bonds of friendship being built.  Lately I have really been trying to learn about the repentance process because I want to feel the same feeling I felt when I was baptized.  That feeling of  am clean and pure with a Father in Heaven who is extremely proud of me for turning to Him.

So yesterday when I received a call to teach my sunny beams, as J so lovingly calls them, I hesitated and grumbled.  I really couldn't bring myself to do it.  I know there are times when I need to give service but I felt such a pull to ask them to find someone else that I followed how I was feeling.  I am grateful I did.  J's calling at church is ward missionary, and I know that this is a special calling J will have for the rest of his life in working with the missionaries.  The elders look to him, rely on him, talk with him as a friend but also learn from him.  It is amazing the relationship he has built with them.  But J said there were no investigators so the elders wouldn't be having their class so we went to Gospel Doctrine.  I felt so out of place because the lesson was over my head, the teacher was so into deep doctrine that I kind of just zoned out.

Mr. hubbins being in tune with the spirit went to check on his class to see if any investigators showed up late and found out they were going to hold a class so he came back to get me.  I told J that I really didn't want to go because we were in the front and I really feel like I have become a wide load but with a little loving push from J we went and man I was grateful to go.  While the investigator ended up not coming the lesson that we talked about today was repentance.  An answer to my prayers? I think so.  I learned a lot.  Church was absolutely amazing.  It was hard to pay attention in Relief Society I guess I have gotten into the habit of being active for one hour of church so it was hard to be reverent but we'll get there.

For easter dinner we were invited over to a friend's house and we had a great time.  I feel like our hearts our full with their friendship and I am grateful to have the loving support of church members in my life.  Jess was a really great help and is always encouraging and helping me with little momma tips of things I need or tips I can use.  It has been an amazing opportunity and blessing to have her as a friend.  Dale was the one who taught J to change the oil of our car so we are grateful for their selfless service and loving support.  It is amazing to have friends when family is so far away.

We ended our day Mr hubbins and I watching the lds videos of the Saviour's atoning sacrifice for us along with his resurrection.  What a marvelous day it will be when we have the opportunity to kneel at the Saviour's feet and bathe his feet in our tears of gratitude.  I have become so much more grateful for Jesus Christ as I have come to learn how important the atonement really is and how it will help me to return to live with God again.

Have a very happy easter from the C Family to yours!

G means God's Gifts

"All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.”

The more I throw myself into learning about the grace and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father the more humble and teachable I feel I can become.  This past general conference I was struck that so many of the talks that were prepared and given seemed to be just for me.  It was as if Heavenly Father was blessing me with the special gift of knowing how much He loves and cares for me even when we have wandered off the path and are wandering in the midsts of darkness until we choose to grab back onto the rod of iron.

I feel like so many blessings I have been given here on earth are from a Father in Heaven who knows my needs and watches over me.  In the weeks soon to come, you will learn just how important I have found this message to really be.  Other gifts that I feel Heavenly Father has given us comes in the forms of talents and there are so many talents I would love to have.  Each day I learn more about myself and am trying to develop my talents but some days I feel like with school everything gets shoved aside.  But with this baby coming I hope I can learn more about who I am.

But the gift I truly wanted to talk about today was the lessons we learn from our trials and afflictions.  This is going to be a very real and open post and I hope that those who read it will not judge me for what I am about to write but will accept me for being honest about my faults.

As much as I would like to be perfect I know I am not.  I like every one else have faults, struggles, and personal trials.  One problem that I have is being forgiving when others have offended me or hurt me knowingly, I sometimes hold grudges and will judge them harshly for how they have hurt me and made me feel.  Never to anyone else will I tell what I think but I am the type of person that if you hurt me don't expect me to get over it that quickly.  I am not talking about little day to day mistakes...  I am talking about those I truly sincerely love who pick at my faults or those that I trust who take advantage of a situation.

This is not a trait or quality I am proud of... I really hate that I hold grudges and I pray daily now that my heart will be full of forgiveness for those that I take offense by.  I have come to learn how dangerous holding grudges are and how being unforgiving can be so destroying for your spirit.  One talk that has resonated with me from the time that it was given was Pres. James E Faust's talk "The Healing Power of Forgiveness".  I used this talk a ton when I was trying to forgive a family member for the hurts and pains I remembered from my childhood.  It helped and made me a better person because I now have a better relationship with this person because of it but it also helped to have mr. hubbins as my pillar of strength to fall back to when fears and uncertainties arose.

So why if I could access forgiveness once is it so hard for me to do again?!  I am trying again because something happened and someone hurt me real bad who has promised to protect me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I was so so so angry at this person that they had hurt me the way they had and even after they had apologized and repented I held onto my hurt.  It destroyed who I was and caused my once loving heart to be filled with anger, resentment, and malice.  Lately as I have realized how much this grudge is hurting not only me but my family I have tried to change.  It took me making a stupid stupid mistake on my part to get there and having to repent to realize how holding a grudge can destroy your soul.

I woke up today reminded of President's Faust talk where he talks about some reporters who after a man's death offend his family.  "Here in Salt Lake City in 1985, Bishop Steven Christensen, through no fault of his own, was cruelly and senselessly killed by a bomb intended to take his life. He was the son of Mac and Joan Christensen, the husband of Terri, and the father of four children. With his parents’ consent, I share what they learned from this experience. After this terrible deed, the news media followed members of the Christensen family around relentlessly. On one occasion this media intrusion offended one of the family members to the point that Steven’s father, Mac, had to restrain him. Mac then thought, “This thing will destroy my family if we don’t forgive. Venom and hatred will never end if we do not get it out of our system.” Healing and peace came as the family cleansed their hearts from anger and were able to forgive the man who took their son’s life."  


I know of this venom and hatred as much as I wish I could deny it but I know from the depths of my soul how destroying it can be.  Slowly, day by day, as I draw closer and nearer to the Lord from a time of questioning I am taught the simple ways that forgiveness will come and allow healing to enter my heart.  I am ashamed to know where I have gone and come from in this sense because it scares me to know that because of a snap decision I made to be unforgiving took me to a place of heartache and pain that I never would have had to endure if I simply had had a place in my heart of forgiving.  


So my last gift that I find has taught me about myself is knowing that through the grace and mercy of a loving Saviour Jesus Christ I can be forgiven through the atonement.  That one day I can stand spotless at the judgement seat that Nephi refers to because there was Jesus Christ who so lovingly offered His life to teach and lead by example of they way we could return to live with Heavenly Father again.  


To those that I have offended in the past may you truly forgive me for what I have done and for the individual that I have held a grudge against I am truly sorry.  I am sorry for the bitterness that entered my soul and for allowing a resentment to build.  For this I am so ashamed of and now ask for thy forgiveness is my humble plea.  

F means my Family is Forever

I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me

I want to share my life with them through all eternity

Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan

I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can

The Lord has shown me how I can.

While I am in my early years, I'll prepare most carefully

So I can marry in God's temple for eternity

Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan

I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can

The Lord has show me how I can.

I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I have really come to learn over the past two years being away from my parents is that the gospel really makes me who I am and it is a part of my life that I desperately crave, need, yearn for and desire.  At home I was always listening to church music, general conference talks, playing church music on my flute, watching lds talks by speakers for youth, going to Young Single Adult activities, watching firesides and so on.  I loved loved loved feeling the spiritual upliftment that  came as I involved myself in these types of activities.

Going from a single life where there is so much offered to young single adults to married life took a great toll on me because I somehow felt lost in the process of moving away from friends and family and not always seeking out Heavenly Father's help through my struggles.  I forgot a bit about who I was and how much joy I received as I involved myself in being close to the spirit.  I am really grateful now for the struggles and turmoil I went through after getting married because it has now taught me how close I really do need to be to the Lord so I can always be together with my family.

One simple truth that I have always loved about the gospel that we have is knowing that my family can be together forever.  That means when my baby is born and no matter what happens in this life and our time here on earth ends for any individual of our little but soon to be growing family is that we will be together forever.  Every time I reflect on getting married and sealed in the temple I remember the overwhelming joy that I received in knowing that J and I could be together forever.

Preparing to have a baby enter your home is a whole new experience in itself because the love you have for your spouse grows.  When I sat back today and reflected on the fact that J and I created this precious sweet daughter growing inside of me, an overwhelming sense of love came to me for my husband.  I am grateful for his obedience to the Lord for listening to the spirit that has guided us where we are today.  I love that because we have had faith in the Lord that our family can be together forever, and as we exercise this faith in our Father in Heaven we can know the precious truths associated with being a forever family.  So today I guess I am simply just grateful to know and have a testimony that whatever happens in this life that the bonds of matrimony between my husband and I will continue on into the eternities and we will be a family forever with our children.

E means Example

I was really struggling with a topic to write for e.  I want my journey through the alphabet to be true to who I am and what I think without coming up with some quickly thought out post so I spent my thursday and friday thinking about it.  Finally after all the e words that popped into my head from easter, excitement, to experience, I chose the word example.

I have come to learn more and more that as followers of Christ we really need to establish the thought of they will be done.  Not my will be done but thy will.  Lately I was listening to a talk by John Bytheway who talks about how many people cry out "we want choice, choice, choice! but are not willing to live with the consequences they are given for the choices they make."  I have realized that ever choice made comes with a consequence and shapes who we come to be on a daily basis.  In thinking about this I started to think about how my choices will set the example of who I am as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, Latter Day Saint, and so on.  And so I started to think of all the people I look to as examples in my life.

A lot of my examples are ones who I rarely know but have touched my heart because they are men called of God.  I love each and everyone of the apostles and the simple messages they teach of Christ and the testimonies they bear through their examples of faith and devotion through the endless service they give.  President Thomas S Monson is another one of my examples of the type of person I want to be.  He truly is an exemplar of Christ always willing to show the attitude of thy will be done first rather than his own.

When I have to pick people who I know personally one person other than my dear momma that sticks out to me is the unshakeable faith that my friend Safire has in the Lord.  She has come to truly know the struggles and pitfalls of life. She knows what a dark hour looks like and what it needs to take to align her will with the Lord's.  She always helps bring my focus back to the Saviour and to truly put my faith and trust in him when I am learning the way to fulfill my role as a wife, soon to be mother, and woman of Christ.

After reading my quote at the top it really put things into perspective for me.  Ever since I was little I have always wanted to be perfect and never make a mistake.  It was a painful unrealistic perception I took upon myself because in order to be perfect we have to go through challenges, struggles, lessons and tests where sometimes we have fallen to learn the lesson and be moulded by the creator's hands to have perfection come to us.

I tear up a lot when I look back on just the last couple years of my life and how hard things were and how much I have learned.  I have come to know suffering, struggle, and defeat where it would have been so much easier to just throw the towel in and admit I could no longer go on.  But I see now slowly who the Lord is wanting me to become.  I am not there yet but I am starting to learn just how important patience, love, mercy, forgiveness, and acceptance really are.  And every time I have an encounter with a lesson I know is working on these qualities I become ever more grateful for the numerous examples I have to be a little bit more like the Saviour.

34 Weeks!

I didn't know what a durian fruit was so

I wanted to see it in comparison to a body 

part.  Baby is approximately this big!

Woosh!  Let's start with that as the beginning of this entry.  I can't believe in only six weeks that you are expected to enter into this world and be placed in your daddy and mine's care.  The responsibility of being a mother and raising you in the gospel is becoming very real as the days slip by, my tummy grows bigger, and your due date approaches.  Although you weighed in small at the ultrasound I feel a closer bond to you than ever before and I'm not worried about your size, you'll grow as you need to.  Knowing how you lie in my tummy makes it feel so much more real that you are growing and changing.  One of my favorite things when I got to see you across the ultrasound was your precious cheeks.  Oh how dear they looked and even though they aren't too pudgy yet I can't wait to smother them in kisses.

Daddy loved going to the ultrasound too because I think just between you and me he feels so much closer to you.  He loves asking about your hair and ideas he has for when you grow.  I love that he is excited and is willing to be an active daddy in your life.  I know that with his calm demeanour that you will be able to feel a love from your daddy that no one else will ever be able to fill and this makes me happy.


So our fun facts about how much you should weigh in at have been inaccurate so far but that is okay :)  Baby girl you are wonderful in every way because you're you.  According to our growth chart this week you:

• Are the size of a durian fruit... what kind of fruit that is I don't know... but it looks very interesting :)  Your length is 17.2 to 18.7 inches approximately.  Most babies at 34 weeks weigh in at 4.2 to 5.8 pounds... so really you are only a little bit off.  You'll pudge up!  
• Have dropped down a bit and no longer kick your poor mama in the ribs now you like to push your booty out as far as it can go which isn't so comfy but I can breathe better and it doesn't feel so uncomfy to sit so thank you!
• Are a silly billy already and your schedule is really off.  Some days you are super active during the day but lately it has been at night... what is the meaning of this?  Are you going to be a party in my crib kind of baby and start rocking out at night?
• Get really excited when daddy comes home and is talking.  You move around a lot.  At your ultrasound when daddy came in the room and started talking you became really quiet after being so squirmy and went to sleep.  So cute you are my precious little one :)

We are excited to meet you but stay in there until after finals!  Thanks!