C means that you have the chance to choose to change through challenges

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” C.S. Lewis

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining, the birds were chirping in the trees, and the snow dump we had gotten on Sunday had all melted away.  I opened the windows to our apartment and enjoyed listening to the sounds of spring announcing its arrival in a variety of ways.  I knew it had to be nice out when mr hubbins texted me to say that before Family Home Evening he wanted to change the oil in the car.  This would be the first time he did it alone but he was up for the challenge.  So in coming home from work J decided to start on the oil change to the car and asked me to join him to hand him tools and whatever else he needed.  This was also the time that I tried to no avail to open the trunk of our car where our trunk keys lie... that my friends is a story for another day... but lets just say tomorrow it is off to AMA.

J really struggled at the beginning to get the bolts and screws off from the last time the oil was changed and it became a challenge.  We were trying to figure out which way would be righty tighty and lefty loosy.  So I stood in various ways pretending I was the bolt of the car trying to figure out which way J needed to turn.  Finally J figured it out but it was quite a challenge for him to get those bolts off at the beginning.  The rest of it was easy as pie and I enjoyed the sunshine and being in the fresh air to think and ponder.  Sometimes that is the nice thing about being with boys is that it is okay to be quiet and you don't have to keep a conversation flowing if they are distracted by other things. Ha Ha!  

But the reason I brought up the oil change was for two reasons.  I thought this is a great analogy to use about our own lives.  Somehow when I bought my little car, it and I became one and I was able to tell right away whenever something was going wrong with my car and I would religiously take it to the mechanics for an oil change right when the kilometers clicked over.  I was told from Dean, a man who sells dental stuff to my momma's work who sold me the car, that if I took care of this car that it could last me a very long time so I have tried to.  It has been interesting getting married and having to turn over trust that J will take care of the car as I have tried to keep it, and for the most part he does.  Sometimes he lets things like oil changes go a bit longer than they should but I am grateful for the initiative that he takes to learn how to do things himself and being the one to change our oil.  

Due to my little car and I being at peace with one another and her being my old faithful I could tell that our oil needed to be changed.  The car wasn't running as smooth and it just felt off, each time we used the car I could tell that it became more and more of a challenge to run as before.  After the oil was changed we went on a search to discard the old oil appropriately and there was a huge difference in the way the car was running.  This is a lot like us in our lives we start off clean and perfect with all our parts running smoothly.  Nothing is broken when we first begin this sojourn in life but there are bumps in the road, traffic jams, car accidents, construction, and other pitfalls along the way.  There are times when we need to stop and gas up through reading the scriptures and praying to refill our tank of faith and hope.  There are other times where we have to let the Saviour's atonement be the oil change that we need to be able to run smoothly along the path to return to Him.  But mostly we need to keep trucking along through our challenges here on earth.  

The phrase I chose for today because of all the "sparkling" words it has is we have the chance to choose to change through our challenges.  

Remember my A post where I said that I had never really needed to access the atonement in a big way until just recently in my life?  I was thinking why this was because I am by no means perfect but I realized that my challenges in life did not stem from wandering off the straight and narrow when I was younger or having the desire to even rebel.  Instead I was faced with other challenges in my life.  I was a very sick sick little girl.  If you have ever talked to my mom she had to put a lot of faith in the Lord with me.  I was a bouncing beautiful healthy baby girl until everyone realized that I was colicky, had stomach problems, and only weighed in at eleven pounds when I was just a year old.  Doctors told my mom that I needed other milk because hers was not enough and so I think at around eight months old I was put on goat milk to try to help me grow.   Needless to say I have had various health challenges growing up.  I guess that at the time that was my trial of faith and I found it so easy to trust in the Lord because when you feel so sick all the time you feel the constant peace that comes as you just trust in the Lord. I have faced health scares that at the time really left me to teach myself that I could choose to react to my health challenges in two ways: you can either become bitter and cynical against the Lord, or trust that through his perfect plan that He knows what is best to refine you.  I chose the latter so I know I am probably going to jinx myself in saying this but I would rather be faced with illness than I would with the challenges I have been enduring now.   

Lately my challenges have been ones that have brought me a lot of heartache and pain because of the way I chose to react to the problems I was faced with.  Health problems no worries just trust in the Lord. Actual life problems of why me, I tried my best, I tried to keep all the commandments and covenants I made with Heavenly Father... not the best choice but I became bitter against our gracious and merciful Heavenly Father.  Let me tell you the trials didn't stop coming just because I complained and murmured. I am ashamed to say but I was like Laman and Lemuel.  I tried to do what was right still but I complained the entire time.  I questioned.  I rationalized my actions.  I judged.  I pointed fingers. and I at the end of the day paid a sore price in doing so.  I went to bear my testimony last week in church and was horrified to find that i stumbled over my words and doubted what came out of my mouth as my testimony.  Before I just knew it was there and I could access it whenever I needed because I knew, and no one could tell me otherwise.  My mother has said I am a child that knows black or white, there is no shades of grey in my world.  But I realized that in my turning against the Lord I had let my own faith, and testimony take a hard fall and toll.  It is going to take time to build up my once unshakeable testimony and I am slowly getting there.  Each day is a challenge as I have started to pray sincerely and not just have the attitude i'll do it because I have to prayers and I am finding the load that once burdened my back becoming lighter and lighter.  I feel like there is hope, that my first thought when I am struggling is to quietly call on the Lord for his help and it has made a huge difference.  

Challenges still come every day but I have learned a huge lesson through experience that we have the choice to change through the challenges we are given, how we are going to react, and the attitude we are going to take.  Are we going to be like Nephi who prays unto the Lord for understanding or are we going to be like Laman and Lemuel, who murmur and complain but they obey... but let their faith be shaken whenever a problem arises.

J and I don't have the perfect marriage and I am not complaining about the marriage we have in any means but this is a new challenge I am faced with every day.  Now don't get me wrong I was raised by a wonderful righteous woman who did the best for us in the circumstances we were placed in.  My mom was a good mom and I learned much from her and she has helped me have the strength I have today.  But I have quietly learned after many stumbles, and falls along the way that because of choices beyond my momma's control that I never really had the opportunity to see what it looked like to be a wife.  I got to see a momma who played both sides of the coin who became matriarch and patriarch of our home.  Who worked hard, so so hard, during the day came home at night to cook and meet the daily demands of motherhood from comforting, teaching, playing and everything associated to lead us in the way of the Lord.  In talking about it now and looking at becoming a mother in just less than 7 weeks I don't know how she did it or had the strength or faith to continue on.  I haven't had my baby yet and I just cannot even fathom the faith and strength you would need.  But in going back to the challenges I face, I know that often times I have to ask mr hubbins to teach me what it means or how it looks to be a wife because I have seen a strong example of a woman who had to bear it all alone.  She taught me how to continue on and shoulder a whole world of responsibilities and sometimes this frustrates J.   So humbly I am learning to turn to the Saviour to teach me how to be a wife who is humble, meek, and mild... when in reality I am opinionated and sometimes too judgemental of what others in my family are doing.  

I have come to learn that challenges give us the opportunity to change and become more like Him and ultimately I have learned is that this is the best place to be.  The perfect place and the safest.