Retail Therapy

I have to admit that things were getting dangerously close for me having a breakdown.  Jessa has been having a hard time sleeping at night and needing to be held ALL the time and I mean ALL the time.  Even sleeping.  For the past three nights I was functioning on 3 to 6 hours of sleep and I was feeling crabby.  Today I woke up and thought I need to get out of this house!!  I need a break and because it was sunny outside and not -42 like tuesday with a severe windchill warning in effect.  I warmed up the van and Jessa and I went on a shopping spree!  And you know what it felt great to walk around in the mall for 2 hours.  I found some sunday shoes for $5 so I bought four pairs.  I almost should go back and get some for birthday presents for my sisters.

But I learned another valuable lesson, sometimes you have to be selfish as a mom!  Sometimes for your own health and sanity you need to spend time for yourself.  Not just getting out of the house for groceries but just to shop or do something for yourself... what makes you feel good and happy.  It felt so good to be out just having fun.  I felt bad I didn't get everything done and help all those I said I would but I needed to take time for myself... and I feel centered again and some strength to continue on for another week or so.

Learning a valuable lesson

If I was a coffee drinker today would be one of those days where I would be sucking back the cups one after the other.  Instead I have sucked back 3 mugs of hot chocolate and it's only one o clock.  So you are probably wondering why I am wallowing in my mugs of hot chocolate?? Well lets just say last night was one of the first times I felt inadequate as a parent.  Jessa began crying from 9:30 to 3:30 inconsolable sobs that wracked her entire body.  Jessa for the one of the few times refused to nurse, she refused to put anything in her mouth.  I finally broke down at 11:30 and tried tylenol and she spit it out all over herself.  I thought she was teething and tried oral-gel on her mouth.  It didn't work and so I ended up trying a second bath... she calmed for that nursed a little and played in the water quietly and slowly stuck some of the toys in her mouth... and then as soon as we got out it started over again... inconsolable sobbing no matter what we tried and she fell asleep as I bounced her sitting on my knee.   She slept 25 minutes and woke up again scream crying in pain... what was wrong?!!

I tried letting her play, laying her down, snuggling her, rocking her... singing to her... everything and nothing... and finally at 2:00 Jonathan finally took her from me to try and I went downstairs to cool off... this was the first time I felt like the whole household was out of control... and at 2:30 I heard Jessa crying inconsolably again.  I came upstairs to find Jonathan coaxing tylenol into jessa's mouth and I took her from him and nursed her.  At 3:30 her eyelids drooped out of exhaustion.  And it began again at 6:30 and 8:30 no nap since then...  So we went for what I am guessing is Jessa's fourth bath and this time I knew I had to get peppermint tea into her tummy whatever it took.  I couldn't get her to open her mouth so in the bath as she dipped her head to drink the bath water I sneaked in some peppermint tea water... and after about 30 minutes... Jessa passed gas and a lot of it.  She is nursing again and happy... but tired and clingy...

And sleep exhaustion and depravation left me and hubbins sharing some unpleasant words and losing sight of our responsibilities on earth...  I just pray that it is the time... but I am tired and angry.  At least  can look at Jessa with patience and love and stay in control of my anger.

I was grateful for my blogger friend Jessica who wrote in the summer time about having to put down her babies who were crying and step away for fifteen minutes and let them cry as she calmed herself.  It takes more strength and power to walk away and I appreciated that I could lean on that example and know that I wasn't being a bad mom putting her down as she sobbed inconsolably because I was so frustrated.  Before I used to feel disappointed when I would get angry but I know that sometimes the best thing to do is make sure her needs are met she is safe and go calm myself before I do something regrettable.  Thanks Jess for teaching me that lesson.

Now does anyone want to go buy me another canister of hot chocolate?

Gratitude

I have learned to appreciate the little things in life and today is just one of those days to express gratitude.  I don't know how the weather is outside after I froze my fingers trying to close the lock box on our house I scurried back inside.  I love that today my afternoon has been spent with my daughter lying across my lap sprawled out with her fleece princess blanket around her and I have the computer balanced on the side of the chair's arm working on my technology class for university.  It's so gratifying to look over at little miss' angelic face and watch her breaths of her chest as it rises and falls.  I love knowing that as I untangle her rolled up waist band of her pants that winnie the pooh is hidden on her behind and it is still cute for her to wear clothes like that.  I am trying to cherish and soak up each moment I have with my precious little one for the time goes too fast.  I can't believe we have passed the nine month mark and that Jessa has been outside of me as long as she was inside of me... and I now understand what it means to truly have your heart walking outside your body.

As Jessa's little tears escaped down her cheeks as she woke up from a nightmare I was glad to see the tears.  Not because she was crying but because I knew that she has all her needs met.  Recently baby girl and I have followed a family who brought home a 15 year old girl from Bulgaria who weighs in at 26 pounds who was confined to a crib in an orphanage until they brought her home.  She has spent time in the hospital and I was ever so grateful when her mom said she was happy to see tears roll down her cheeks because she was now hydrated that tears could freely fall.  Too many times I have taken for granted just how blessed I have been to meet all of Jessa's needs since she first came into this world and am amazed at the blessings Heavenly Father sends so freely.  And so today I am grateful for my baby no matter how tingly my legs feel and how stiff my back gets because I know that my baby is safe and secure and at peace.

Jessa don't drink the...

I never thought before having a baby that they would be headstrong little creatures at such a young age with determined little minds but they are! and this is how the story goes:

Lets start off by saying Jessa loves water.  She loves drinking water in her sippy cup, she likes watching water pour out of containers, she likes washing dishes with mom (more like sitting on the side of the sink and watching), she likes baths and dipping her toes in the water and splashing away.  Now that you understand my problem... how do you reason with an 8 month old... well now 9 month old... not to... DRINK THE BATHWATER?!

Jessa my bebe preciosa will steal sips of her bath water that she is sitting in, it doesn't matter if there are bubbles she will just drink those right on up too...  she will suck the water off her toys, use her fingers anything but mostly she justs dips her head real low and slurps it back...  and this my friends is the constant one sided argument I have with Jessa.

"Jessa, quit drinking the bath water!!!" as she looks at me lowers her head and slurps it in.

Line upon Line

"Being mad at God won't change matters.  It'll only make you feel worse.  Then not only will you be mourning the loss of your sisters, you'll mourn the loss of His comfort." -pg. 158

*Update*
Sorry it has taken me a while to post.  I have been working on a hard post that I am hesitant to publish for how dear it is to my heart but how important the lesson was I learned I knew I needed to share it with others.  This is a very almost sacred post for me due to the lesson that I learned.

My friend Tamarah last week had a theme on her blog about overcoming trials and had guest posts all week long.  I wanted to be a part of the challenge and while I had some trials that I easily overcame I was still fighting in the middle of a trial that had been consuming my life for the last three years and wasn't able to post by the time deadline.  I don't want to get too personal as this blog is open for others to read and I don't want my dirty laundry to be seen for everyone but I will be open and honest in the lesson I learned.  For almost the last three years each prayer that I have offered has been one of why me?  Why would you allow these horrible things to happen to me?  Why if I got married in the temple, tried to live righteously my whole life did you let this happen to me?... and the questioning goes on and went on.  There were days where I thought I had surmounted the trial of having doubts and fears about my marriage.  J and I have faced scary trials that I didn't think we were going to make it through and I saw heaven open the day baby Jessa was born and come into our lives but the trials didn't stop and my bitterness towards God became almost surmountable.

I can't explain how hard it is to continually try to have faith and do all the "right" things when you feel like God isn't listening or that He just doesn't care.  As a teenager I listened to talks over and over by youth leaders that stated we are each important to Him individually and He knows us and loves us.  He cares about us.  I knew this was true but questioned its validity when it came to my own life and own trials and it felt as if God's silence was deafening.   I felt like for months after I had started to truly try again that I still was forlorn and alone.  When I would read my scriptures I felt as if I wasn't getting anything out of them and I truly felt abandoned.  So I spent many of my days reading Christian novels of mostly female heroes in the old times who surpassed their unsurmountable trials even in times when they were faced with doubt and uncertainty.  But the question of why me always remained for I had faced trials that truly left me heartbroken and doubting God's love for me.  And after months of the same words uttered in prayer I was finally given my full answer.

Too many times I believe in church that with some of the stories we hear and or read about we have come to believe that answers come as a strike of lightening, a big "ah-ha!" moment and we do such a disservice to ourselves and each other when we don't always have those moments.  Through a painfully long trial and a sense of betrayal I was finally given the quiet answer that I would learn this trial and many others by line upon line and precept upon precept, here a little and there a little and where I am not completely whole in my healing process of the loss I feel I finally understand why it happened in the sense of why God let it happen to me.  It came in the form of a book I was reading that as it says drove a knife right into my heart and I knew that a change had to come upon me.  And for the first time in a long time I was able to offer a prayer without the bitterness and betrayal weighing upon me that I felt for so long.

The book Land of My Heart by Tracie Patterson:
"I finally met a man who talked to me without milking it down for me.  He wasn't in the least bit concerned about sparing my feelings.  He told me I was acting like a selfish sinner.  Of course at first I was offended and decided I wouldn't hear the man out.  Then he said something that drove a knife right into my heart....  He told me I could go on being a lost sinner, living my life as I chose, ignoring the offer of eternal life and the peace that only God could give me.  But, he told me, 'you will literally have to step over the broken, bleeding, nail-pierced body of Jesus in order to enter the gates of hell.' ...Tears blurred Cole's vision. "But my father killed the woman I loved.  God let her die in my arms. Let her die."  "He let His Son die too." Bram said softly.  "He let Him die so that you might live."

And finally it clicked.  Jesus Christ was willing to bear all my burdens to take upon my heartache and my sorrow and Heavenly Father allowed evil men to persecute Jesus Christ to spit upon Him, to bruise his poor miraculous working body and to pierce those very hands that had healed so many.  If Jesus was His beloved and begotten son and He allowed for this to happen.  I finally realized that God did actually love me.  And the words on the page came back with a resounding heart enlighting force.  Jesus Christ atoned for not only my sins but my pains and heartaches as well, and by not forgiving the things that had been done against me was me literally rejecting the atonement that the Saviour had done for me.  So the questioning in my mind changed from why God don't you love me and why could you allow these evil things to happen to me? to Can I live my life knowing that I was rejecting the Saviour's gift of His atonement?  And it became clear that I needed to understand the atonement more and apply it personally.

I am not done healing I am not going to lie.  The experiences still hold a lot of pain for me that I am trying to work through but I slowly learned the valuable lesson that although horrible things happen to us and even when we curse God or turn away from Him, or give a half hearted to no effort at all.  He loves us.  He still loves us and His arms will always be stretched out still waiting to succor us when we humble ourselves to ask.

No words

I can't believe I used to have the ability to post everyday and some moms are fabulous and have the time to post everyday... I for sure am not one of those moms.  I think back to the days that I posted everyday and think to myself how in the world did I have the time but I guess I wasn't as busy as I am today... But life at our house has been busy... Jessa has been sick sick sick... with a fever that hung on for dear life for three long days.  We were up every hour, we wore summer dresses, shorts and tees in the middle of winter and the darn fever would only break with tylenol.  One day I draped a facecloth over Jessa's head and let her play the whole day with it on because it kept her cool... I thought it was for teething and no teeth have popped two other than her bottom central incisors.... and so I feel like rather than writing a post about how hard my week has been I will instead share the highlights through pictures instead:

 When you don't feel great but mommy is about to go crazy 

call a friend and do some retail therapy

 I may not feel well but it sure is fun trying to grab daddy's toes

 One word: love!!

 Soothers are for teething here at our house!

Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair! <3

So I guess in trying to find gratitude that even though baby missus was crabby the entire week and not feeling well she definitely still was able to find moments of happiness and flash a cute smile or two.  I love being a mom even when it is hard.

How Pregnancy and Motherhood change you

Life is so much different being a mother in a hard yet amazing way. As an individual you change it such a magnificent way and quickly but slowly all at the same time.  Your hormones change you from bring pregnant to facing foods that you once loved to not liking anymore.  Black olives was that for me; for the longest time I couldn't figure out what caused me to want to shove my plate away but it hit me one day when I popped one in my mouth and had to promptly spit it out again.  I used to have a temper my I had a temper and little by little have learned to leash it and reign it in.  Many prayers and pleas were given on account of my anger and I daily continue to ask that he shape me to be the mother and wife that he wants me to become.   You lose your mind being pregnant and it doesn't return after pregnancy.  Mr hub ins continually and patiently reminds me to do things that I have forgotten to do.  I struggle sometimes when school which used to be relatively easy for me became increasingly difficult and I have had to trust more in Heavenly Father to lead me guide me and remind me.  

Motherhood is not easy but it is most worth it.  It is a feeling that is indescribable and so fulfilling.  The past two nights as Jessa has struggled to sleep because she is in so muh pain with her mouth has let me bridle my passion that I could b filled with a greater sense of love. It has allowed me much time to reflect on passion and what it means and can do.  

I used to get really crabby when my sleep was ruined I am a person when I am tired or angry I get crabby and so being a mother teaches patience and an increase of love.   Lots of time when we hear the scripture bridle all your passions that we may be filled with love; we immediately think or chastity and virtue. But cannot we not look at it in another light of passion of emotion.  I have a negative passion of anger emotions and as I have curbed those feelings and bridled them I have come to show more love in my family. J and I argue way less often and disagreements rarely last longer than a normal fight should.  And I was thinking further for everytime there is a season and I think we need to feel all emotions from good to bad.  Anger in the appropriate form and way can push us to be better and do better but it needs to be bridled and lead in that direction.  I remember a talk by John Bytheway who spoke of that scripture in Alma.  He was using it in reference to virtue but again we can apply it towards anger.  Passion in the form of love is not bad or icky we need it so that we could all come to earth so we should not kill it but rather bridle it. A bridle is used to guide a horse in the direction that we need it to go and so with passion of anger it can be the same.  In ways anger can produce the results that you need such as driving you to become better in areas of weakness if indeed the bridle has been we to guide the anger in an appropriate manner.  Many times since having Jessa when I feel angry or upset I use that passion in y workouts and the result is fantastic as the anger melts away to be replaces with a sense of calm and peace.


The last couple if noughts have been hard as I have struggled to know how to help Jessa as the pain of her teeth hurt her.  In the past I know I woul have become angry with myself when I couldn't figure out the solution but I have come to realize that you have to roll with the punches embrace life as hardships come and know with a fact that Heavenly Father has it all taken care of and as we humbly seek him with patience and humility he will teach us the ultimate lesson of the importance of what motherhood means.  To again become like a little child and seek Him to guide us and direct us in the care of the little ones he has placed with us. 

Time

There is only one thing in life that I truly despise and that is time because I feel it is always against us.  Time slips away so fast leaving me wondering where it went and where I need to be going within the next minute or two.  Christmas and New Years was a time that flew by so fast too fast really.

On Christmas day my baby Jessa passed her 8th month mark and in ways I am so excited for her future and other times I miss the baby she once was.  Putting her to sleep last night she nursed and then turned her head away from me to fall asleep and I was happy for the huge accomplishment she has come past of not having to nurse forever to fall asleep but I am also sad knowing that each day she is becoming more and more independent and more of a me do it kinda gal.

At around seven and a half months Jessa started sitting up on her own but constantly needed reassurance with someone behind her.  We came back from Calgary and she does it now with more stability than ever before  She definitely has had her tumbles where she has bonked herself from tipping over and scared herself with tipping over and needing reassurance but I am just loving being a mom.  I can't believe how time flies by so quickly especially having a little one in your house and I am grateful that everything I have put on the backburner to cherish the moments with her.  I stopped writing in my blog, stopped doing chores so regularly, stopped trying to rush through everything and just enjoy the time with my precious little one.  And in reality I have no regrets about it.... not one at all.  As a child I remember being in my friend's house and her mom had a cross stitch up on the wall that said this...

and it taught me to cherish every moment I had with Jessa.  Create that precious bond and memories with her and I would be blessed for it.  And how it has... being a mom definitely isn't easy but it is worth it.  I am tearing up writing this because I realize now more than ever just how precious time is.  Christmas was truly a special gift for me as Jessa gave me an unexpected present that the months of not getting the proper sleep, some days looking like I rolled out of bed because little miss just needed to be held made it all worth it.  Jessa babbled the word repeatedly from Christmas day on... Ma ma ma ma.... so many of my friends children have babbled the word da da da da and I wish that mr hubbins will have his reward but it was the best gift I received with my little one saying over again ma ma ma.

So while Jessa got loved on by family that doesn't get to see her often I am hapy to be home and have her in my arms again.  To cherish the moments I can as they sneak away so quickly and my baby grows bigger and bigger.  And now I am done gushing over my baby and need to go sneak in some more snuggles.