Coincidence?

I tried to open up to someone who was being part of the problem of encouraging the competitive behaviour and it just created a bigger mess.  I am frustrated a lot more than before but at the same time I feel like I had to set boundaries or things were not going to change.  I ended up having a huge fight with this person and I am saddened.  I hung up on this person and came home from school way upset.  I talked to mr hubbins and he told me to tell this person that I hope they can pray about the feelings I shared with them.  I don't know what will happen but when I journaled before in high school I had used another website other than blogger.  I go there occasionally sometimes to grab pictures or find quotes for my journal.  On their main page they have featured articles and if one catches my interest I'll read it.  One did catch my interest today and it was about comparing boyfriends in high school.

I definitely don't think this is coincidence that I cam across this article.  But what stuck out the most aside from the article was a comment that was made and that is what I'll end this post on.  So here it goes...

I had my first relationship when I was fifteen. Like many other high school relationships, we thought we were madly in love and were going to stay together through college, get married, and live happily ever after. I thought I had what every other girl wanted. In spite of my thinking this, though, I always felt the need to “compare” the relationship I was in to other couples that I knew.

Although I feel that it is human nature to compare ourselves to others to a certain and very minimal extent, I took this feeling and turned it into me wanting to have a better relationship than everyone else. I nearly obsessed over the idea of having the greatest relationship with my then boyfriend in my small bubble of a high school. What was making me feel the need to have that notion in my head?

Although I feel that I was undeniably at fault in my tendencies to compare with other couples, I began to notice that I was not the only one who was doing it. Some of my friends in school would always ask me questions about my boyfriend and I, and proceeded to answer with something about their relationship that would allegedly be better than mine.

They would do things such as compete on the lengths of their current relationships, flaunting presents that boyfriends had gotten them, and even comparing ACT scores of their respectful significant others. (Really?) It was a lot of pressure to live under in the world of dating for a 15-year-old, especially when those closest to you were trying to “one-up” you the most.

Looking back on it now, five years and another long-term relationship later, I realize how completely asinine it was for me to feel that I needed to prove something to everyone. I never had a defining moment when I realized that me having more comments on a picture of my boyfriend and me on MySpace (which was cool back then) than another couple or whether we were making our semi-long distance relationship work better than others didn’t make us any “better” than other couples out there.

It didn’t really matter if everyone felt like I had the dream relationship or whether every girl in my class envied me. It finally hit me long after I broke up with my then boyfriend that all that mattered was how happy I was with my significant other. It wasn’t a contest to see who could be the “best” in the world of dating; every relationship is unique in its own way.

A girl commented with this, "I think it's a little in our nature to always compare ourselves to others - secretly wanting the best. But I have found that by doing so, it doesn't make ourselves happy and it doesn't make the person we're jealous of happy either. It just makes us realize what we don't have and envy others for having it. But everybody is different, so what makes somebody happy won't necessarily make you happy. It's a lot better to be happy in your own relationship, like you said, than continuously envy another's."  

I know the person who actually who needs to see this won't, but I do know that I am learning a lot and know I can teach my daughter to be proud of who she is and have confidence in what she is doing and who she is.  I honestly want to teach her that the greatest knowledge she can have is that she is a daughter of God, and is destined to be a Queen.  I guess I jus have to make the choice of being proud in myself and just focus on my baby coming and look up.  My friend gave me the advice to just focus on my baby and how happy she'll be because of how hard hubbins and I are working in school.  So with that in mind I'm off to bed.

Sorrow

"sorrow is an inevitable result of loving people. 

and sorrow hurts but at the same time 

when you feel sorrow you know that you love someone."- Sam

Have you ever wondered exactly what sorrow meant?  Well I have it has been weighing upon my mind and heart a lot lately.  So I looked up in the dictionary what sorrow meant and it was, "distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment, etc.; grief, sadness, or regret." So why do I feel sorrow?  Well let me explain this way.  I have watched this mormon message Two Brothers Apart millions of times.  And yet everything I wrote I had to remove because it was just too personal to share.  So to focus on some hope in a place that seems so dark and dreary at the moment I'll share this with you.


Cheyenne- Story by Catherine Moore
               

"Watch out! You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me. "Can't you do anything right?"

               

Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.

               

"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving."

               

My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.

               

Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts.... dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him?

               

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon . He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess.

               

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.

               

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing.

                

At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.

               

My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.

               

Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick We began to bicker and argue.

               

Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind.

               

But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it.

               

The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered in vain.  

Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article..."

               

I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.

               

I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up, trying to reach me.


I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons: too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed.

               

Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hip bones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

               

I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.

               

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?"

               

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."

               

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said. I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! L ook what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.

               

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.

               

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!"

               

Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw...

               

Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.

               

It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at is feet.

        

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad 's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne 's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.

               

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.

              

The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life.

               

And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it."

               

"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.

               

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before:  the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article... Cheyenne 's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter... his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father... and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.

Life is too short for drama or petty things, so laugh hard, love truly and forgive quickly. Live while you are alive. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

                

I Stand All Amazed

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me

Confused at His grace that so fully he proffers me...

Oh it is wonderful that he should care for me

Enough to die for me.  Oh it is wonderful

Wonderful to me!

Again I know that Heavenly Father loves me, beyond any love that I will be able to comprehend or know.  I definitely know that He is aware of our struggles, our hurts and our pains.  Lately I have been struggling a lot with some family members.  I feel like I still need to be careful in what I am saying but I closed my blog from open readers because someone was feeling the need to compare everything they were doing against me.  They compared how family members loved them more than me, how they were healthier than I because they had lost weight this past year, and on.  This isn't the worst thing that has happened and I wish I could just totally spill the beans on what is going on but a matter of time will tell.  Let's just say in having someone compete with everything you do and announcing our pregnancy, not much time passed before this has become a comparison too.   So that is why I decided to go private again.  I know that I will feel pain and hurt but I don't want my precious little one to become the source of competition or comparison.  My baby is who she is and doesn't need to be compared with how any other baby grows or develops.

So, I have struggled with this and cried many tears out of frustration and turning to someone I thought would help me, chastised me for how I was feeling and told me that I needed to be the bigger person to try harder, be a better "sister" and friend.  But sometimes I just feel like the more I am chastised for what I am doing and how I am feeling, the more I pull away.  I realize that I can't cut family out of my life and that you have to turn the other cheek even when it hurts so much but I need some time to not be under a constant watch of waiting for a mistake to occur or the latest news on my pregnancy to be compared with.  I am grateful for such a loving Father in Heaven who knows our prayers and pleads even before we say them.

This afternoon after feeling much discouragement about having my whole life compared and under a microscope of waiting to see where I would screw up to have it pointed in my face I had a prompting to turn to this month's ensign.  I really wasn't even looking for the answer to my pleads or prayers I just thought it was a good Sunday afternoon activity to stay more in tune with the spirit.  But there so lovingly Heavenly Father had answered my prayer.  I found this as the second article I turned to, "A challenge for all of us is not to look sideways to see how others are viewing our lives but to look up to see how Heavenly Father sees us."The article is titled, "Look Up" by Elder Carl B Cook.

It says, "As a young man I was called to serve a mission in Hamburg, Germany. At the Language Training Mission—the predecessor to today’s missionary training center—I struggled to learn the language. As the first and then the second week passed, I noticed that the others in my district were progressing much faster than I was. While they were advancing to complex concepts, my dies, ders, and dases were a disaster.

I started to become concerned—and discouraged. How could I serve a successful mission if I couldn’t communicate with the people I was called to teach?

I prayed for help and sought a priesthood blessing, which provided some reassurance. But I continued to search and struggle, and one day I felt more uptight and worried than ever. As my companion and I walked down the hallway, I stopped at a small janitor’s closet. I asked my companion to wait for me for a moment. I slipped into that tiny room and knelt down on a mop. I began to plead with Heavenly Father for some relief.

The Lord answered that prayer. I felt this thought come into my mind: “I never called you to master the German language. I just called you to serve with all of your heart, mind, and strength.”

I immediately thought, “I can do that. I can serve with all of my heart, mind, and strength. If that’s what the Lord has called me to do, I can do that.” I stood up feeling tremendously relieved.

From that point on, my measuring stick changed. I no longer gauged my progress and success against that of my companion or other members of my district. Instead, I focused on how the Lord felt I was doing. Instead of looking to the side to compare myself to others, I began to look up, so to speak, to know what He thought of my efforts.

I don’t know that I learned the language much faster or much better from that point on, but I no longer felt the concerns I once had. I knew what the Lord wanted me to do, and it was in my power to do it.

I began counseling with Heavenly Father in the morning, telling Him that I didn’t know what the day would bring but that I would do my very best. “Whatever I can learn, allow me to learn it,” I prayed, “but no matter what, I’m going to give Thee my very best today.”

At night I would pray again to report on what I had studied and what I had done. I shared with my Father in Heaven my struggles and my successes alike. I had begun to turn to Him—not to others or even myself—to validate my progress.

That lesson that I learned in a tiny broom closet more than 35 years ago has stayed with me all my life, through a number of callings and assignments. Whenever I have been asked to do something where the expectations seem greater than what I have the capacity to do, I remember that experience and say to myself, “Wait. Who called you? Who are you serving? Who are you trying to please?”

The world we live in today has all kinds of measurements—most of them external to us. I think such measurements can be especially harsh to young adults. You go to school and earn a grade, but that doesn’t necessarily take into account what else you experience in your other classes or your family or your life situation. Sometimes we’re judged by the way we look or by the car we drive. We might base our sense of self-worth on how many friends are writing on our wall on social networking sites. We worry about what others think about the person we’re dating or what people will think if we marry before finishing school. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to please others, but we can’t trust such external measurements; the world can be too quick both to praise and to criticize.

I think the challenge for all of us—but perhaps particularly for young adults—is to try not to look sideways to see how others are viewing our lives but to look up to see how Heavenly Father sees us. He doesn’t look on the outward appearance but on the heart (see 1 Samuel 16:7). And He knows, better than anyone else, what each one of us needs."

I won't include the rest of the article but if you want to read it you can go here.  Oh how marvelous the Lord is in His goodness and mercy and love.  Sometimes we won't find the understanding or compassion we are seeking from those who we seek but Heavenly Father is oh so near.  I was humbled today as I came across this article to know that He knows how I am feeling, and has provided me the answer to let go of the pain and anguish I have felt.  

I have a voice!

The other thing that has been touching my heart on quite a frequent basis is the message that the world so often teaches and I have found that recently again and again I have fallen victim to this belief.  Somehow in our ever competitive world, we are taught that our voice doesn't matter and what we think isn't good enough.  Yesterday I went to the chiropractor and didn't have a very good experience at all.  I knew from my pervious experiences with other chiropractors that how I was being treated wasn't right or good.  I came home after my adjustment that my body hurt soooo bad, it felt like when you are about to get sick, really really sick and your whole body aches and has hot and cold flashes.  I knew that this didn't feel right and that the adjustment that I was given wasn't good for my body.  This chiropractor's belief was regular maintenance was needed in order to heal from my migraines but I left with a worse headache than the  one I had previous to going.  After talking to someone about my experience they responded that I needed to be more open to what was available and go more than once.  I was discouraged by this and yet at the time I didn't know why.  I know now.

At school some of my most loving professors really encouraged us to give value to a child's voice.  To allow them to tell you what they believe and think.  What they are trying to do and accomplish.  Lots of times adults discourage the voice of a child thinking that they are silly or as being the older person they know better; which sometimes may be the case but it really is disheartening when someone doesn't listen to you.  What does it matter of what our children are saying if we encouraging them to think for themselves and believe in who they are?  Instead of trying to mold and shape how they think according to what we know and believe, wouldn't it be better for them to know who they are by coming to their own beliefs instead of relying on us as much?

I don't know if what I am saying is making much sense, but after my horrible visit to the chiropractor and being so sore today still that I cannot move I have learned in a very real way that my body knows itself and I know how my body is feeling.  Other people can give me advice but only I know my body truly and can make the ultimate decision for what is going on.  So with that in mind I have realized that I have a voice and my children will have their own voice.  Yes I expect them to be respectful and follow in the teachings of the Saviour but I also am going to teach them to have a voice and know that I will value what they say.  I want our home to be a place of protection and a place where my beautiful kabinkies know that we value what they say <3

Where in the world is Merrawyn Cristancho?!

I have to admit I was so happy that I had almost caught up to having an entry for every day this month but yesterday I fell behind.  But I am back after some thought and much needed reflection.  You probably were wondering where I had gone to because I have been bloggeraddicted lately.  I just love knowing that if I write down my feelings and thoughts that my babies can learn more about me and what I stood for and believed in before they came.  It truly does allow you to focus on the blessings that Heavenly Father has given us and the blessings become all the more evident.  And I am so much more grateful.  

It has been interesting starting school this semester and running into old classmates I had other education classes with from the last two years.  They tell me how much they admire me for being married, being pregnant and still trying to accomplish my degree.  I worried at the beginning that many people would look down on me for being pregnant and not finishing school because I looked down on myself and then I realized that it didn't matter what anyone else thought it was only Heavenly Father who mattered.  Education is so so so important to me and I value it a lot.  It has no worldly value to me of why I want it so much for I don't care if people know I have a university degree or not but it is knowing that I listened to a prophet who encouraged me in my youth to obtain an education.  I know from what I have learned that it will help me to be a better mother and encourage my children in the goals and dreams that they want to pursue.  But I have to admit in my determination to finish school I am absolutely exhausted; I am tired beyond belief and I feel like I am drowning in my complete exhaustion.  I try to keep our house clean, have my homework done, reading caught up, help J in his classes so that he can succeed to where he wants to go, and balance a calling of working with a sunbeam class who are challenging in themselves (one who is advanced in his understanding because he has so many siblings and another very determined little girl who has had no discipline to listen.)  I sometimes wonder how I make it through all of the go in my life and I feel bad when J has all this energy and I would rather just sleep the day away or lie down.  He wants to be active and I blow it off... I really need to try harder... but I am just soooo tired!

But somehow as I came across this little message it brought with a great sense of hope and peace, it doesn't matter that my little baby is still growing inside me for I know that it is only with the help of a loving Heavenly Father that I have gotten to where I am today.  How successful I have been in my marriage despite the trials, in school despite the adversity, in church callings despite the frustration, and in my faith despite my falterings.  Motherhood is definitely the best job here on this earth and I am grateful that my education in early learning and along with my elementary education has given me a greater sense of knowledge to teach my children in various ways that fits according to who they are and how we want to be as a family.

I can't wait to be a mommy!  

Baby we are preparing for you on a daily basis by striving to be closer with Heavenly Father!

Six down and four to go!

We are officially 24 weeks along in pregnancy which means baby that you are six months along!  Only four more to go! Some fun facts about you are:

• You are the size of a grapefruit this week
•  You weigh in at 1. 3 pounds and are about 12.7 inches long.  
• You are a very active little girl especially when I am in school and trying to pay attention.  When I am in class you like to move around a lot and I get distracted and spend more time playing poke with you then I do listening to my profs.  
• You really like hearing daddy's voice and always respond whenever he is near by moving around a lot.  I love this about you because this hopefully means that you will be a daddy's girl and that is my greatest wish for you!
• Your comfy cozy spot is being tucked in at my side on the left or right it doesn't matter but you like to be faced inwards with your bum sticking out and head down.  I think this is the reason daddy doesn't feel a lot of your movements and I do because you are kicking inwards or on my bladder.  Daddy felt you move once when he went to listen to you and you kicked him in the face.
• Daddy seems to be nesting a lot more than mommy is and every time we are out daddy likes to go to the baby section and pick something out for you. He started out buying us couches and rocking chairs to bond in when you come.  He has been organizing our entire apartment and it is feeling even more comfy cozy than before.  I love how he thinks of you often I hope you recognize just how very sweet he is and that I love him a lot!
• Mommy has had very weird cravings with you and eats things that I didn't like before a lot.  I love eating steak if it is well-done, tomatoes raw and anything that has to do with tomato sauce.  I have been craving pizza a lot but have only had it once so far because the fat and oil is not good for you or me.  The last thing I have really loved has been grapefruits, yummo!!  I would have midnight cravings for grapefruit with a little bit of salt sprinkled on the top to bring out the sweetness.  Daddy thought I was crazy at first but he is learning to eat grapefruit with us!
• Mommy and daddy thought we were having a boy, but became unsure after we did the old-fashioned ring test.  We used daddy's ring which swung in circles which meant we were having a girl.  I was shocked when we found out you were a girl at the ultrasound but are soo excited because girls are just that much more fun to play dress up with :)
• Music is one of your favorite things and both daddy and I think you will have a talent with music.  You like to kick to the beat of the music or when I count reps for Daddy when he works out.  You sure have a fun personality that already seems to be shining through.  

I don't think a lot of people know our pregnancy story so I will share it here so we can all have a record of it.  I have to say I am grateful for a loving heavenly father who uses the holy ghost to prompt us in ways that will protect our bodies.  In August I kept getting a distinct impression that I needed to start really considering what I was putting into my body in the form of medicine or prescription drugs from the doctor.  So I did just that.  I hadn't been taking a lot before other than what was necessary but I prayed and had a feeling to stop everything and look to more natural ways to deal.  I thought nothing more of this until about the time I was supposed to get my period the next month.  I waited and wasn't even late but kept shaking my head when I wasn't getting the usual crampy feeling I normally would get but I blew it off as in going off the medication I was taking could have just meant I was late and I tried to think nothing of it.  Again the Holy Ghost prompted me in a direction I never would have thought it would.

The whole second week of September I kept getting this feeling that I needed to go take a pregnancy test but I kept thinking it was just me over reacting and that I needed to calm down.  So on September 10th, I went to bed and woke up straight from a sleep at about three in the morning with an urgency that I needed to go get a pregnancy test now.  So I mumbled something to J about needing something for my stomach and promptly put on sweatpants and drove to Shoppers.  I don't know why the prompting was so strong on that Sunday morning but I am grateful I went when I did.  I hadn't been feeling the best for the last couple of days and so I went through the store trying to convince myself that I was overreacting because my period wasn't even late and that I just had the stomach flu which is normal from my IBS around that time of the month.  So I remember I collected the pregnancy test, and grabbed some ginger ale.  I went to the checkout line and the lady looked at my face then at my items, and then looked at my finger.  I saw her thought process change when she saw the ring and started to make small talk with me asking what I did for a living and what my husband did.  She then commented that she thought I must be pregnant or have the stomach flu and I just merely responded I think the stomach flu but just in case.  She then asked if I considered this baby to be a blessing.  I had to stop and think about it, this baby had come a year earlier than we had planned on having one.  But I thought about it and responded yes a baby no matter what time they come are blessings, and the cashier readily agreed.  She shared with me that her son and daughter in law were pregnant with their first and how ecstatic they were to be pregnant because of how long they had been trying.   She started to get emotional when she started to tell me the blessings she had of being a mom and it was something that I needed to hear.

So I went home and took the test and the result was positive.  I was floored and a little shocked at the results but I was excited nevertheless.  I was a bit apprehensive to tell J because we were not where we had planned to be to have a baby but mr hubbins had been talking about babies from the get go of our marriage and his baby fever seemed to be getting hotter and hotter each month so I knew he would be happy.  I didn't tell him all that day and I went to church still a bit shocked that I had gotten pregnant so quickly.  I had a 0.6% chance of getting pregnant once stopping the medication I was taking for at least the first month or so I had thought but Heavenly Father had different plans for us!  I wanted to tell J in a fun way so I tried my best to keep everything a secret from him.  I went to teach my sunbeams and I remember we sang I love to see the temple and I am a Child of God where an overwhelming sense of peace and reassurance came over me as the spirit quietly and lovingly whispered that a baby whenever they come are a blessing from God.

So the next day I ventured off to get another pregnancy test because I had just bought a cheapo brand from Shoppers but I thought that sometimes close to your time of the month the miscalculation was off and so I wanted to get First Response.  The most accurate one that could give you some high percentage of being right within 5 days before your period.  So I took it on the tuesday and it came back positive and then I knew for sure.  Okay so still keeping this a secret from mr hubbins was the worst because I tell him everything, so I quietly shoved it under the sink and went about my day as if nothing was going on.  By Wednesday I knew if I didn't tell him I was going to spill the beans so after class I ran over to toys r us because they were having a baby sale and bought an elephant, lion blanket, a circus onsie, and a reusable baby gift bag.  I printed out a jungle themed picture and wrote "It's a jungle out there, lets protect our baby bear!"  I placed it in the car on the driver's seat and went to the house.  We had decided to go out for supper that night so I thought it was the perfect timing.  J was having a nap when I got home so I tried to keep busy but I almost exploded with excitement so I made up an excuse that I was ravenous and we left around six.  We hopped in the car and J saw the bag and immediately he knew that I was pregnant.  He began to cry he was so happy and excited for a baby to come!  He didn't care that we weren't done school or anything, like I had worried he would.  He was just so happy!

You my pumpkin are a loving gift to me straight from Heavenly Father and I am glad that you are coming soon! I can't wait to meet you and neither can Daddy! The news of your arrival helped bring daddy and I so much closer together and that will always be indebted of me to you.  The other day daddy said he loved me more now than when we had just been married.  I know that is true :) babies bring blessing everywhere and mommies and daddies closer <3

Sleep Training Aftermath

So my bright eyed and bushy tailed lasted through my bus ride to school, through my extremely boring conservation class, through the bus ride home, and then it hit.  I went to study and conked out on my computer where I slept for two and a half hours.  I forced myself to wake up but I am already ready for bed at 6:30.  So sleep training really does work to put us back on schedule.  We will see who gets the last laugh through if pregnancy hormones take over or if I sleep like a baby tonight. I am predicting the latter.

Sleep Training!

The man in the moon looked out of the moon

and this is what he said, 

"Now that I am getting up,

It's time that all children went to bed!"

Today I have officially hit my 6 months of being pregnant and at times it felt it has crawled by at a snail's pace and other times it feels like it has flown by and I wish I wasn't as far along so that I could cherish being pregnant for longer... actually who am I kidding!  Get this baby outta me I am way too excited to be a mom!  I obviously decided to train myself young to be a mom and become prepared.  Here is a secret I know almost no one will know about me and you'll be excited to know.  When I was little I loved babies and always would ask my mom for her to have another baby.  When I realized at some point very young this was not going to happen I decided to take dear matters into my own hands and I became a baby fool!  I had dolls galore but my favorite was my Emily doll (which I later came to find out that is what the girl in the novel A Little Princess named her baby doll, so it became that much more meaningful!)  My Emily doll was one my mom bought for me as a summer gift for doing well in school, and I remember going to Walmart and carefully looking over all the dolls before I picked one out.  My Emily doll went everywhere with me but what I loved the most about her was that she was no ordinary baby doll, she was a good size.  This meant that she fit in real clothes that babies actually wore and so I would save up my pennies from doing chores and other odd tasks for my mom and she would take me to places like Value Village, Salvation Army, and Goodwill so I could buy baby clothes for my Emily doll.  When I outgrew the time of when it was cool to play with dolls I lovingly packed my Emily doll away with the good clothes I had boughten for her to save for when I had my own children.  Now really I don't know if these clothes are any good still or what they even look like but I was thinking about that the other day.  Man do I love babies and really was ready to accept the motherhood role and started preparing myself when I was young.  With that little fun fact in mind today I wanted to do a six month come with me journey post about my pregnancy so my daughter can know some fun facts about when she was growing in my tummy.  But I am just getting ready for school and was excited to blog about something I am trying.

Humans are definitely creatures of habit, I have learned this more and more with my pregnancy.  Before becoming pregnant I was the 10:30- 6:30 girl and a morning bird at that.  My stepdad would lovingly call me a canary because at home before I got married as soon as I was up I was singing or playing my flute welcoming in the sunshine in song.  Now getting pregnant and marrying mr night owl my sleep schedule began to change.  Slowly my morning routine was off as the hormones kicked in and instead of abandoning mr J at 10:30 to go to bed, it would turn into 11:30.... 12:30... 1:30... 2:30... 3:30... and then I knew I had a problem.  Sometimes, I was blowing mr hubbins out of the water when my little peepers just wouldn't close and I had to get up because I was tossing and turning in bed.  But when I saw how late each day was getting and how much day was wasted from sleeping in I knew it had to change.  SO yesterday I started on the same journey we will have to teach our children "early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise!"

 So 12:50 am isn't exactly early but it was a start.  I started my bedtime routine at 11:50 and realized just like a child it is going to take me an hour to settle myself down for bed and I need to get into some kind of sleep routine before baby comes and it will be all off whack again.  So J and I read our scriptures together, said bedtime prayers, I had a bath, and brushed my teeth, said my personal prayers and jumped into bed.  J promptly followed and I was impressed I told him of my goal and he wanted to follow.  So we both tossed and turned all night long, sleeping on and off but we were both up at quarter after six.  And we are both feeling a bit tired and drowsy but it is not that man i feel like I have been hit by a truck feeling from sleeping in too late.  So we will see how the rest of our week goes with sleep training.  Thinking about it now it seemed kind of silly to start on a wednesday night with the weekend so close but really do we need to be staying up when the weekend hits?  I don't think so!  Haha so have a wonderful happy day and hope you are feeling as bright eyed and bushy tailed as we are.

Where has my brain gone?

I am seriously having a block in everything I do... I sometimes wonder if I would remember what my head looks like if it wasn't attached to my body?!  Lately I have been trying to cook healthier and buy more fruits and veggies but when you are on a student income this becomes a difficult task and going 2 weeks without grocery shopping has been absolutely brutal.  We had to look to ways to use our can goods and I am disappointed that it turned out that way.  It is expensive eating and being healthy and it really shouldn't be that way.  It may help in the long run but for now it leaves us scrounging our cupboards for food looking for food for about half a week.  Not impressed.  So I am looking to all you lovely ladies for help.  Do you have any meals that are super healthy to make on a limited budget?  Please help us out because I am never doing that again in my entire life.   Ha Ha :)

Sicky icky!

Today I am having writer's block about what to write about.  I have been under the weather fighting the flu again, with a migraine.  I think that this is one of the hardest times I find being married just because I feel so bad for J when I am sick at night and having trouble sleeping.  Last night I was crying and whimpering in my sleep and I didn't know but I did when J would wake me up to check if I was okay.  Man did I feel bad in the morning when I saw how tired mr hubbins looked.  But I guess it is good training for when baby comes.  I am going to try to let J sleep a lot hopefully when little misses comes because he will be the one working and going to school.  If I have a baby anything like me I am going to spend a lot of time in our living room rocking baby to sleep and letting her sleep on me.  I cried a lot and was sick as a baby and so was J bear so we will see how baby comes out.

Today when I woke up I texted my mom begging her to help me find a chiropractor in Edmonton because of how bad my migraines were getting.  It was a cry of help to turn to my mom to help me from afar as J had to run off to work.  I slept a lot today and am ready for bed again already.  The way I felt today I really wondered if I would survive this semester but I hope after I go and see the chiropractor that I will feel better.  We will see how it goes.  But that is it for me today.  Under the weather and sick again.  It feels like my head will either explode or fall off.

I missed this!

Some of the tiny things about pregnancy that I take for granted is baby moving constantly.  I don't know if yesterday I was so busy running with my sunbeams, cooking for the missionaries, cleaning up and spending time with J that I just didn't notice the movements baby was making.  I have to be truthful I missed it a lot so having a quiet day to study and clean the house has left a lot of time to stop and wait and feel the movements.  I think baby is sitting really low because I feel a lot of her little kicks almost in my bladder and it feels quite funny.  It really makes me have to go to the bathroom a lot more than normal but I think that is how baby moves.  I love feeling the movements and knowing that baby is happy and moving around :)

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." -Ghandi

Each day closer that we get to baby's due date the more excited I become.  I feel like babies are magical and they bring with them the fairy tale type of magic a little girl dreams of having in her life.  My marriage with J isn't perfect and we still have our disagreements but it seems that each day we step closer to being parents we also step closer together in our marriage.  Remember at the beginning of the year when I was dealing with a whole bunch of drama from family problems and with a lady in my ward?  Everything seemed to simmer out after I was given some loving friendship from two marvelous women who weren't here physically but both were able to mentally and emotionally support me in a rough patch I was going through.  Both of them only knew the extent of what I had written in my blog post but not the full extent of what was happening and yet they so lovingly just opened their arms of love and friendship towards me which I will be eternally grateful for.  

I have honestly realized how imperfect I really am and the things that I need to work on to draw myself closer to being more like the Saviour.  Sometimes I wonder how as children when you are making mistakes on a daily basis that your parents are always correcting that those little ones always have the courage to continue on.  They always pick themselves up after they fall and are determined to succeed and sometimes I wonder how easy it is as we grow up and become tainted by the standards of the world that we lose that determination and courage.  I realized that as a child we see the love of our parents and how happy they are to celebrate in our successes that maybe why as children we have such a determination and courage to succeed.  I have realized that even though I am an adult I still need Heavenly Father's guidance and love more than ever before and feel like today I learned a great lesson in turning to him for trials I constantly face.

The reason I brought back up the problems I had at the beginning of January is because I had turned to two people for help, J and my mom, but I forgot to turn to someone even more important the Lord.  I was so desperately trying to fight my way out of the dark and forgot to take the time to turn to Him in prayer to seek his guidance and counsel.  So today when I had this same lady who I tried to calm the waters over with by sending an apology letter try to attack me again I was discouraged and disappointed.  My first thought was how can this be happening when I tried to be the bigger person and like Jesus?  But then the spirit lovingly reminded me that even the Savior taught us to turn the other cheek as He did.  Again when I had these troubles arise I turned to my mom just as a soundboard to spout off my frustrations and then to J to seek his advice as patriarch of our home.  Coming from the same culture I knew that he would have the answer to what I needed to do.  And yet as he was talking I so badly wanted to spout off my anger back to what this lady was saying but I didn't.  Why I wanted to spout off in anger is because I feel the slap across my face of trying to play the victim when I have done all I can in a situation that was seriously out of my control.  I listened to mr hubbins and knew then and there that I needed to turn to someone else I should have turned to in the first place.  

I said a prayer asking for guidance and help, reassurance in what I needed to do.  I want to be like the Saviour and am trying and everyday I fall short but I keep trying.  Heavenly Father is so patient and teaches us in beautiful quiet ways and as I opened my prayer and just asked what to do thoughts came to my mind.  Lessons I needed to learn from the past problems and the lesson I need to learn now.  

I have learned to be careful when dealing with people who gossip.  I have realized and learned that gossip is just as bad as bullying.  By not saying anything at all when someone is gossiping you are just as guilty and that is what started this whole mess.  When I asked not to be talked about to other the whole thing blew up in my face and I became the accused of being the gossiper when I had not said anything at all.  That was the problem.  I had not said anything and that is where my fault lies and I know now how malicious gossip can be and to not only remove yourself from a person who gossips but to stand up to what is being said.  One voice can make the world of difference.  Trying to just for my own sanity calm the waters I apologized for what I was accused of and I honestly thought it was done until today.  I received another message attacking me and wanting to fight out the problem.  J's first answer was to ignore the problem so I did.  After church I received another message this time I was upset and wanted so badly to spout back how I had been hurt but it didn't matter.  Again mr hubbins so patiently told me to ignore it and reminded me of a situation that I had faced before when I was a lot younger, less experienced and I knew it was the same thing I needed to do now.  Forgive, forget, and ignore.

So the lesson I feel that Heavenly Father is teaching me now is how to draw closer to my husband instead of relying so much on my mom.  While she is a wonderful lady with wonderful qualities the lesson that I needed to learn is to draw near unto my husband.  To allow him to truly provide, preside, and protect our family.  Heavenly Father so lovingly but firmly repeated the same answer mr hubbins had said to me all day, ignore.  

When it happened the first time it needed to be dealt with in a way that calmed the waters where I apologized for the hurt the gossip was causing but now at the present time, I need to ignore it.  Each time a mean text message comes through is to ignore it and turn the other cheek.  It might hurt for a while the words that are being said but as J so eloquently put it.  Their power comes through using anger in words, your power comes through the silence of ignoring.  It takes two people to argue and fight and when one side is silent it becomes a lonely place arguing with yourself.  

I thought that problems like this just existed in high school and young single adult wards where there is such an inexperience of life and understanding of others but I have learned that people the same wherever you go in this world.  This lady who is causing these problems is close to fifty and I have just realized that I can respond in two ways, I can either fight back with the thought of an eye for an eye, or I can choose to turn the other cheek.  I know now why I had trials in the past with forgiveness and coming to understand what it means to sometimes forgive and forget in the sense that you are not holding a grudge but to not forget to place yourself in the same situation.  

In saying that I feel like this is much like the story of the young native american boy who is on top of a mountain is asked repeatedly by a snake to carry him down the mountain.  The young boy asks the snake to know how he can know for sure that the snake will not bite him but the snake so persuasively promises him that he won't bite him if he carries him down the mountain.  So the young boy picks him up and upon reaching the bottom of the mountain feels a piercing pain from the snake who had lashed out and bit him.  The boy cries out in agony and pain to the snake, "but you promised!!!" for which the snake replies, "you knew what I was when you picked me up."  If you know this story you probably remember Henry B Eyering talking about how this is so much like sin but I want to take it to another level aside from that.  There are some times where forgiveness is required but distance needs to be made.  Just like the snake I know now to stay far far away from gossip and people who delightfully engage in it.  I need to remember what the snake is and not pick it up.  So I guess I am learning multiple lessons in one from turning the other cheek and trying to show kindness and love through humility (which is SO hard), cleaving unto my husband, taking my problems with right intent to the Lord and trusting in Him to help me, and also learning to forgive and forget without placing myself in a dangerous situation again.  

I hate to say it because of how much it sucks during the time but I am grateful for adversity and what it teaches me and who it helps me become. It helps me become a little more closer to Him, which is ultimately the best gift of all.   

I am grateful for...

I have an explanation to the nightmares... and it is that I have been fighting the flu!
I woke up sick today and have been up and down the whole day.  I slept some and then cleaned some, slept some more, and then cooked for J.  For some reason I have been having a hard time with my IBS and I have realized that I have had to relearn about it now that I am on my own and not living at home with my momma to take care of me.  I hadn't realized how much my mom had done for me in providing meals for me that helped me so much but now I see how much she actually did.  I am still feeling a bit off and am trying my best to push through so that I can teach my sunbeams tomorrow.  But I am grateful to know that I have not gone totally bonkers with my pregnancy.  I also am extremely grateful to be pregnant and understand a little bit more of a mother's love and how much one would actually go through for their child.  I know that I still really don't have a clue about a mother's love fully but I am starting to gain a greater appreciation for all that my mom has done for me.  With that in mind,  have a very happy Sunday :)

One Up

How many times in your life have you been trying your best  and you think you are doing really well until someone stops and tells you that you should be doing it another way?  I caught myself yesterday criticizing J for eating late... and I had to stop myself quickly and apologize.  I saw the same look on his face that I had felt so many times before; and I have thought about it for the last day and a half why was I criticizing J for what he was doing and what he was eating.  I thought back to when we were in Calgary and everyone was telling us we were so fat and needed to lose weight.  

Have we really come to this place in our society where we must look and act a certain way to be seen as successful or happy?  I had to repent for what I said to mr hubbins and the hurt I caused because it was never my place to tell him to stop eating carrots because it was too late at night.  It was never my place or right.  Mr hubbins is an adult to make his own decisions and I have learned from this heartbreaking incident on my part that criticism hurts the most when it comes from the ones you love the most.  

I was actually thinking a lot about that today that in my life I have never done well with criticism and being told that I need to do things a certain way because others think so.  I have always excelled more in my life when I have set the goal by myself and had someone believe in me to accomplish the goals I have set.  According to statistics and where my family was financially and in their education I never should have excelled enough to go to university.  The most I should have accomplished in my life was getting a two year college diploma and I am happy to say that I have succeeded that with the help of a loving husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, that encouraged me to go back to college and to continue to university if that was my dream.   He was the one who also encouraged me by setting the example of working out on a daily basis to get to where I was in losing weight and toning my body.  My mom has also been a big support to help get me through university, which I am grateful for but that is not where I am trying to go with this journal entry.  

In preparing to be a mother and with the look I saw yesterday come across J's face when I was being too critical I realized that in life we can't tell others how we think they should live or criticize them for what choices they make. I now understand that though I am not perfect in showing this type of love always there is a charity that needs to be shown to be more like the Saviour.  The charity and love I am talking about is one that celebrates in others' successes with no intention to one up them or try to do better than what they have just accomplished.   I really believe it is moving past your own pride and desires to stop competing, comparing, fighting to get your point across, telling others what they need to do to change, and trying to keep up with the Jones'.  

Why has it become necessary in our lives to try to have one up on other family members or to tell them how we think they should live?  Wouldn't it be better for us to set the example of what we expect for our own lives and if others follow great, if not, great as well?  

I really want to teach my children this trait to be more compassionate with their siblings and other family members.  I want them to know that instead of trying to step on top of one another that they need to celebrate in each others' successes and strive harder to work together and not create competitions within our family unit.  

If they have a well intentioned heart to help their siblings in becoming more successful and happy they need to apply these traits in a way that allows them to show the same type of love and support the Saviour would. Instead of pointing out a fault of someone else they can be a support and a cheerleader by being the example of what they want another to accomplish.  This is something that I am going to try working on a daily basis of just trying to live my life in a way that leads me to Heavenly Father.  Hopefully my goal for my future family is what I myself can also accomplish.  Maybe it's a big dream to fulfill and I am building castles in the sky but this is a goal I am willing to fight for as long as I am on this earth.  

I did what?!

AND... the nightmares are back!  Nothing is helping... I know that a lot of it has to do with hormones and is very normal for first time pregnancies.  When I was looking up about pregnancy nightmares I came across the most hilarious nightmare ever.   If my dreams were that funny I would not be worrying so much. Here was the dream that caused me to have quite a giggle.  "I woke up from the anaesthesia after giving birth.  The nurse looked at me and asked if I wanted to see my babies, I was so excited that she had said babies.  But became horrified when the nurse came back carrying a basket full of kittens!" Ha Ha

I wish my dreams were laughing matters but I am almost horrified to write my dreams in here for how horrific they really are.  Last night I had dreamed that my mom was renewing her vows in a wedding but the colors she had were horrific because they were metallic purple and turquoise together and everyone was wearing huge hats like you find Black Women wearing in baptist churches.  Cale was really big and was sporting a goatee with cornrowed hair and he looked really really old like he was 50.  He was actually older than mom and was the person renewing the vows and he was wearing a pale purple suit.  This would have been a funny dream except for the fact that I found out I wasn't invited to the wedding and got really really mad.  I stormed into the wedding and punched my mom in the face!  What the heck!! I am so horrified to write this down but that is what happened.  I looked up what it means to punch someone in the face in a dream and one of the meanings is that it symbolizes power and your own ability to draw strength from within yourself.  In how horrific it was to write down what I had dreamed about last night it made me realize that subconsciously I think I have been preparing myself to be a mom and have to rely more on myself.  In being three hours away from my mom when my baby is born and while I will have her help for the beginning of baby's life I will have to make it on my own.

I know that with other occurrences happening within my family that my mom will not have the time I wish she had for me.  I am happier that I wrote about my nightmare and was able to think it out for now I don't seem so horrified of what happened and know what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I promise you I won't punch anyone in the face ever... but I think this might mean that I need to get back to doing my Turbo Jam to release the pent up anger I may have suppressed. Ha Ha!!

Is it the Boogie Man?

Pregnancy has brought with it many changes for good and bad.  One of the worst of the bads that I really don't enjoy are the nightmares that seem to occur so often.  After I stopped having nightmares as a child the only time they would occur was when I was sick, but with pregnancy every time I seem to go to sleep I wake up to nightmares.  They haven't been the nightmares where once you are awake the fear seems to go away but it seems like it is a nightmare you just can't shake off and think about it over and over and over.  Last night I woke up abruptly from one night terror to fall asleep to the next one and both have been creeping me out all day.  Sooo silly pregnancy hormones and nightmares are not a good mix!  My idea is to try tension tamer herbal tea or sleepy time herbal tea... I'll keep you updated!

A Greater Sense of Gratitude

I don't know if it is the cold weather brings about a sense of blue but I have noticed that a lot more people have been down in the dumps lately, finding the negative problems about life.  Thankfully, I am not there yet because I am so excited for baby that I decided to make my entry today about what I am grateful for.

This great lesson of gratitude, all started friday when I had an overwhelming sense of love for the gospel and the protection it has given me in my life after we heard that baby was healthy and doing well.  I was even more grateful than before that I had saved myself for my husband until after we were married to show each other the love that we had for one another.  I am also grateful that we didn't live together before we were married like the world so often tells us to do.  I am not trying to sound prideful or perfect but I am happy when I can go to my obgyn and have my results read to me that I don't have any sti's, because I chose to live virtuously when I was younger.  Mostly I am grateful for this because I know that my baby will have a greater chance of being healthier because of the choices I was taught to make and live by as a young woman.

Mostly I am grateful that because I have treated my body in a way that has shown it respect and so it respects me.  I know of two occasions where I knew exactly what was going on with my body before the doctors did.  One of those times was when I fractured my ankle and I knew as soon as it happened that is what had happened, and now with my pregnancy.  They say when you get pregnant you can speculate a due date but because my body has provided me the wonderful opportunity of having a healthy cycle that I knew the exact due date my precious daughter would make an appearance in the world even before the doctors did.

I know this is kind of a personal entry to write but I always think that someone out there one day will hopefully be inspired by the words that I write.  I hope that this entry can make an impression on my daughter(s) when they are at such an impressionable age to save themselves for marriage because of the joy that will come in doing so.  I realize lots of people think that the church sets limitations on the standards our youth and people live but I have learned the happiness one gets in doing so.  I am grateful to have gospel standards to live.

The Best Surprise Ever!

Any man can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a daddy

Winter has finally hit home with a blast and mother nature has decided to show her fury in the cold she has brought.  Sunday morning we woke up to snow and lots of it, not only that it was bitter bitter cold, so we ended up being late very late for church because digging our car out of the snow proved to be a feat when you are not expecting snow so all your winter stuff is still put away.  I hear Calgary is just as cold but I just don't like winter.  In coming home from church we found out that there was too much snow to park in our parking spot because all the snow drifted into our spot so we parked else where.  Sunday was cold and I was not looking forward to this week and it has been colder still.

Today reached a chilly -36 celsius with wind chill and that is dang cold.  Yesterday it was -30 and so J ran out to start the car and prep our car for winter by plugging it in and all the things you need to do to make sure it is ready for the winter.  J was gone a really long time to the point that I was getting worried he had fallen on some ice and was knocked out cold, dying in the snow and I would never know.  Yes, I know I worry too much and have catastrophic thinking, but at least I can admit it ;)  Anyways, J wandered in a while later after he had texted me saying he would be home soon, red from ear to ear and anything that was sticking out of his multiple layers he was wearing.  J handed me a whole bunch of bags and told me to look inside.  When I did I found that J on his errands out had lovingly gone through the baby isle and bought some bibs and socks for baby.  It was sweet to see that mr hubbins each day is getting more excited for baby to come and I am glad to see that he feels connected with the pregnancy and baby.  

Speaking of baby girl, this morning I woke up early waiting for J to come home from work.  I had made myself some herbal peppermint tea and was sitting on the couch just enjoying the quietness and darkness that still lingered at seven thirty in the morning.  When all of a sudden  I felt repeatedly distinct movements that were not the normal movements  I have felt with little kabinky, after a while I realized little cupcake was hiccuping.  I loved that feeling and each day I feel amazed that J and I created this beautiful little baby that is growing inside me.  I feel like the anticipation for May is like Christmas in feeling that special magical feeling and it seems like this is what a baby is like when they come.  I am sooooo excited for baby and am really looking forward to having my own cupcake to love and cherish.