"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." -Ghandi

Each day closer that we get to baby's due date the more excited I become.  I feel like babies are magical and they bring with them the fairy tale type of magic a little girl dreams of having in her life.  My marriage with J isn't perfect and we still have our disagreements but it seems that each day we step closer to being parents we also step closer together in our marriage.  Remember at the beginning of the year when I was dealing with a whole bunch of drama from family problems and with a lady in my ward?  Everything seemed to simmer out after I was given some loving friendship from two marvelous women who weren't here physically but both were able to mentally and emotionally support me in a rough patch I was going through.  Both of them only knew the extent of what I had written in my blog post but not the full extent of what was happening and yet they so lovingly just opened their arms of love and friendship towards me which I will be eternally grateful for.  

I have honestly realized how imperfect I really am and the things that I need to work on to draw myself closer to being more like the Saviour.  Sometimes I wonder how as children when you are making mistakes on a daily basis that your parents are always correcting that those little ones always have the courage to continue on.  They always pick themselves up after they fall and are determined to succeed and sometimes I wonder how easy it is as we grow up and become tainted by the standards of the world that we lose that determination and courage.  I realized that as a child we see the love of our parents and how happy they are to celebrate in our successes that maybe why as children we have such a determination and courage to succeed.  I have realized that even though I am an adult I still need Heavenly Father's guidance and love more than ever before and feel like today I learned a great lesson in turning to him for trials I constantly face.

The reason I brought back up the problems I had at the beginning of January is because I had turned to two people for help, J and my mom, but I forgot to turn to someone even more important the Lord.  I was so desperately trying to fight my way out of the dark and forgot to take the time to turn to Him in prayer to seek his guidance and counsel.  So today when I had this same lady who I tried to calm the waters over with by sending an apology letter try to attack me again I was discouraged and disappointed.  My first thought was how can this be happening when I tried to be the bigger person and like Jesus?  But then the spirit lovingly reminded me that even the Savior taught us to turn the other cheek as He did.  Again when I had these troubles arise I turned to my mom just as a soundboard to spout off my frustrations and then to J to seek his advice as patriarch of our home.  Coming from the same culture I knew that he would have the answer to what I needed to do.  And yet as he was talking I so badly wanted to spout off my anger back to what this lady was saying but I didn't.  Why I wanted to spout off in anger is because I feel the slap across my face of trying to play the victim when I have done all I can in a situation that was seriously out of my control.  I listened to mr hubbins and knew then and there that I needed to turn to someone else I should have turned to in the first place.  

I said a prayer asking for guidance and help, reassurance in what I needed to do.  I want to be like the Saviour and am trying and everyday I fall short but I keep trying.  Heavenly Father is so patient and teaches us in beautiful quiet ways and as I opened my prayer and just asked what to do thoughts came to my mind.  Lessons I needed to learn from the past problems and the lesson I need to learn now.  

I have learned to be careful when dealing with people who gossip.  I have realized and learned that gossip is just as bad as bullying.  By not saying anything at all when someone is gossiping you are just as guilty and that is what started this whole mess.  When I asked not to be talked about to other the whole thing blew up in my face and I became the accused of being the gossiper when I had not said anything at all.  That was the problem.  I had not said anything and that is where my fault lies and I know now how malicious gossip can be and to not only remove yourself from a person who gossips but to stand up to what is being said.  One voice can make the world of difference.  Trying to just for my own sanity calm the waters I apologized for what I was accused of and I honestly thought it was done until today.  I received another message attacking me and wanting to fight out the problem.  J's first answer was to ignore the problem so I did.  After church I received another message this time I was upset and wanted so badly to spout back how I had been hurt but it didn't matter.  Again mr hubbins so patiently told me to ignore it and reminded me of a situation that I had faced before when I was a lot younger, less experienced and I knew it was the same thing I needed to do now.  Forgive, forget, and ignore.

So the lesson I feel that Heavenly Father is teaching me now is how to draw closer to my husband instead of relying so much on my mom.  While she is a wonderful lady with wonderful qualities the lesson that I needed to learn is to draw near unto my husband.  To allow him to truly provide, preside, and protect our family.  Heavenly Father so lovingly but firmly repeated the same answer mr hubbins had said to me all day, ignore.  

When it happened the first time it needed to be dealt with in a way that calmed the waters where I apologized for the hurt the gossip was causing but now at the present time, I need to ignore it.  Each time a mean text message comes through is to ignore it and turn the other cheek.  It might hurt for a while the words that are being said but as J so eloquently put it.  Their power comes through using anger in words, your power comes through the silence of ignoring.  It takes two people to argue and fight and when one side is silent it becomes a lonely place arguing with yourself.  

I thought that problems like this just existed in high school and young single adult wards where there is such an inexperience of life and understanding of others but I have learned that people the same wherever you go in this world.  This lady who is causing these problems is close to fifty and I have just realized that I can respond in two ways, I can either fight back with the thought of an eye for an eye, or I can choose to turn the other cheek.  I know now why I had trials in the past with forgiveness and coming to understand what it means to sometimes forgive and forget in the sense that you are not holding a grudge but to not forget to place yourself in the same situation.  

In saying that I feel like this is much like the story of the young native american boy who is on top of a mountain is asked repeatedly by a snake to carry him down the mountain.  The young boy asks the snake to know how he can know for sure that the snake will not bite him but the snake so persuasively promises him that he won't bite him if he carries him down the mountain.  So the young boy picks him up and upon reaching the bottom of the mountain feels a piercing pain from the snake who had lashed out and bit him.  The boy cries out in agony and pain to the snake, "but you promised!!!" for which the snake replies, "you knew what I was when you picked me up."  If you know this story you probably remember Henry B Eyering talking about how this is so much like sin but I want to take it to another level aside from that.  There are some times where forgiveness is required but distance needs to be made.  Just like the snake I know now to stay far far away from gossip and people who delightfully engage in it.  I need to remember what the snake is and not pick it up.  So I guess I am learning multiple lessons in one from turning the other cheek and trying to show kindness and love through humility (which is SO hard), cleaving unto my husband, taking my problems with right intent to the Lord and trusting in Him to help me, and also learning to forgive and forget without placing myself in a dangerous situation again.  

I hate to say it because of how much it sucks during the time but I am grateful for adversity and what it teaches me and who it helps me become. It helps me become a little more closer to Him, which is ultimately the best gift of all.