Who we are now

Now I am not trying to complain but there is something weighing on my chest that I want to get off and move on from.  I am sick today and stuffed up.  Being sick is never fun but being sick and pregnant, with no opt out really is not fun.  I have come to see through this hard hard year that is slowly and quickly passing how much my life has changed.

I am so grateful to live in a time when the Lord's church is again upon the earth and knowing that the revelation that the prophet and his counsellors, and the twelve apostles receive comes straight from heaven.

One of our biggest problems from just not knowing and a lack of understanding as a newly wed couple was having too much family involvement that influenced our marriage in a negative way.  It took a lot to change the relationships between family members and it is still a learning experience that occurs each day but it was one of the greatest things J and I could do to save our marriage from a dangerous path we were being lead down by the entrapments of Satan.  I love that the church has counselled us to leave our parents and cling to our spouses because that is what the Lord intended for us to do.  I love the analogy that as much as Heavenly Father loved us when He sent us to this earth, He could not come with us and this is very much like how a marriage has to be because of necessity.

I believe your family needs to support you in the decisions you make but ultimately know and realize that it now is just you and your spouse.  They no longer can have a say in how their child runs their life individually or collectively as a family.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I had always sought the help of my mom and changing that relationship on both parts was a hard hard process.  It was learning that the only one who could know about my marital problems was Heavenly Father and he would direct my path to get the necessary help.  It was learning that sometimes even though your parents have the best intentions, that their advice though is loving might not always be the best for what your family needs.  It is learning that once you get married that your parents no longer get jurisdiction or the constant revelation on how to teach you because that is no longer their responsibility as a parent.  It is learning that Heavenly Father will reveal to he individual who needs the help what to do or the spouse.

In cleaning the house, I usually like to have some noise in the background because of how creepy our apartment is when I am alone.  I was one day watching Dr. Phil and he had some parents on his show who had very extreme styles of parenting, much of what I disagreed with but I always like to know how others perceive life and children especially in my pursuit to be a teacher.  Dr. Phil was talking to one mother about how it is important in a child parent relationship to spend time mothering and teaching your child, but also taking the time to be a mom where you can be a friend and allow your child to have fun with you.  It is a hard lesson for some parents to learn as their children grow up is learning when to turn off the parenting button and just be a friend.  This totally relates to when your children get married and move on in their life with their spouse.  It is no longer a time to mother or father, but a time to just be a mom or dad.  To be the support children need and desire.  I am not trying to point fault at either my parents or in-laws because both I feel have great attributes in how they have parented and lead J and I to where we are today.

But I feel like this needs to be said based on some things that have occurred over this past year,  I have learned to live and let go of how relationships were in the past and learn that sometimes the best answer is change.

I guess what I am trying to do is take a stand on marriage again and just truthfully share with whoever is willing to listen how damaging a relationship can become when anyone else other than the two spouses become involved.  It takes a toll on the marriage and can sometimes hurt potentially long lasting eternal relationships.

I have seen the difference that has come to mr hubbins and I's marriage as we truly have become team MJ and that we were the only ones who could influence the other.  There were times where it felt like we would topple down because we didn't know what to do but we always seemed to figure it out and come out stronger than before.  We learned to be each other's confidant, cheer leader, support system, the shoulder to cry on, and the friend that is needed in a marriage, and in doing so life feels good oh so good.

As J and I have had some opportunities to sit together and have heart felt conversations because the stress of school has been put on hold I shared with mr hubbins how important our relationship is.  This last year has been hard and the trials we faced are ones I would never want to have to endure again but I am grateful for the learning and strength that has come as we have worked past what has happened.  I am grateful that J and I are where we need to be and that is the best thing ever <3

Going Out with A Bang...

I decided that again because I can't sleep I'll write in my blog and go out with a bang for the new year.  I came across a blog who posted their top 11 of '11 and I think I will do just that!

This following year my goal is to have pictures to go along with all of my posts that adds a bit more of a personal touch to my blog, and allows you to follow me on my new year adventure of my first  ever pregnancy to being a first time mom.  So  with that scoop in mind, off we go:

#11. Best decision I made personally was to restart my blog and open it up publicly.  Not only has it strengthened my testimony in gospel principles but others' as well.

#10.  J going through three jobs which was not fun at the time but a huge blessing now.  We started the year of mr hubbins getting laid off at Toys R Us, working with Paladin at the hospital, and then choosing to follow his heart and take on being a psychiatric aide at a local hospital.

#9. J and I both being in full time school and realizing that somehow you can always meet deadlines and still take time to spend together.

#8.  Making new friends in our ward and having the opportunity to learn from them and have a support group when needed.

#7. J learning to change the oil in our car, and fix the dents along the way!

#6.  Finding out that even through all the adversity and our trials that we can always make our marriage work when it is based on the Lord.

#5. Through tears and many prayers learning that J and I can only rely on one another and this strengthened our marriage  a lot.

#4.  Going to the Christmas Carol and knowing how special an occasion it was because of how poor we were last year.

#3. Learning to laugh through adversity.

#2. Spending Christmas together just J and I, playing wii of Just Dance and laughing laughs of how you would when you were kids.

#1. Finding out that we are going to be first time parents in May and that a baby is on his or her way.

Christmas with just you and I

I wish for the sake of parents' feelings I could say that I had a horrible time on Christmas day because I missed being with my family and loved ones that I don't get to see on a regular basis.  This year J and I decided to tough it out and try to do Christmas just the two of us.  We wanted to find an opportunity to strengthen our marriage to create memories just as our little family and it was absolutely amazing.  At first when we thought of this idea, I was disappointed because it was going to be so different from all the christmases that I had before but anything tried once is worth a shot and so we did it.  I can tell you from Christmas eve night to Christmas eve day that we were able to create beautiful memories.  J and I decided to pump up the air mattress and slept under the tree with all the glittering Christmas lights on the entire night.  It was beautiful and magical because of what we had just experienced in bearing our testimonies and the fun we had after.  We ended up staying up till about 2:30 Christmas morning so that we could create some Christmas memories together.  After reading the Christmas story, talking about our feelings, hubbins and I made chocolate truffles and Christmas rice krispie squares.  We had fun baking together and just talking.  It was nice to talk about the blessings we had over the past year, how our trials had helped us to grow and how the Lord always has a plan and a purpose for us.

Church was at ten and we decided that when Christmas falls on a Sunday we want the Saviour to be our main thought and so we decided to do the Christmas gifts after church when we got home.  I only asked J to open one Christmas gift before church because it was a dress coat for church and I wanted him to wear it that day so he opened that and we got ready for church.  It was interesting going to church when we knew that most families were still at home in their pj's unwrapping gifts around the christmas tree, playing with the gifts they had gotten, or sharing holiday meals together.  When we arrived at Church I knew that we were in the right place and doing the right thing.  The most important place to be on Christmas was worshipping Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for the blessings that they had given us in our life.  Sacrament meeting was a lot different from the normal ones I had back home growing up but this one was nice all the same.  The 2 sets of missionaries we have in our ward told different stories about the Saviour and bore their testimonies about them; two talks were done in english and two were done in Spanish.  It was nice having that element of having both languages that are so important to our ward covered and I loved it.  What better way to remember the Saviour and what He has done for us than being able to listen to what the missionaries do and the name they represent.

After church we opened our gifts to each other, ate rice krispies for breakfast and then played together.  J and I had been invited over to a member's house for Christmas dinner and so after I had made some salads we headed over there.  We ate together, played games and had lots of fun being able to be in a family setting.  In being forced to just create memories just the two of us it brought with it a ton of inside jokes that allows us to joke and laugh still.  Christmas was a great day and one that I will always remember in my heart.  <3

Finding Christmas

 And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling:

 "How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! 

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

 And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.

 Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! 

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. 

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" 

And what happened then...? 

Well...in Who-ville they say That the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day

I feel like I am rebelling and taking a long vacation from blogging but I thought it was important to blog while I had some time (well really I just couldn't sleep).  I have to admit this Christmas season I have felt very Grinchy not feeling too much into the whole Christmas season.  I love Christmas but didn't feel the Christmas spirit I was so desperately seeking for.  On Christmas Eve night J got called into work so I spent some time with a family from our ward.  It was nice to be with them and I was a bit disappointed about J working.  I cried at first, due to pregnancy hormones, about being alone on Christmas but as I dropped mr hubbins off at work and was driving away, I realized the blessings of J working.  We have a loving Heavenly Father who looks after us no matter where we are or what we are doing.  The thought occurred to me that J and I have been so blessed that he has a good job that I can stay home and work on school and finish as many courses as I can before baby comes.  I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the blessings we have received in our little family this past year.  J had been hoping to get off work early so that we could spend some time together but unfortunately he worked the whole shift.

As we were driving home, J on a whim asked if I wanted to see what the inside of a Catholic Church looked like so on Christmas Eve at midnight we attended 10 minutes of a midnight mass.  The reason for doing so is NOT because we are looking to convert religions but this was a great opportunity to understand where J had come from and what his family believed before they converted to the LDS church.  It was interesting to have this opportunity for the overwhelming spirit and the Christmas spirit that I felt when we got home.  I think it is hard for me to understand how much of a blessing the church can be to converts and the expectations that come in walking into a holy house of the Lord from a chapel to a temple.  You kind of expect that same feeling to occur when you walk into any church and I have learned that it feels different walking into a different church then the ones I normally enter.  When walking into our chapel I always have felt like a blanket has been wrapped around me, I feel warm and peaceful, safe and secure, and I know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I didn't know what to expect when we entered into the Catholic Church but it was weird because it was built like a church and yet I didn't feel anything inside.  I felt like I was just walking into any ordinary place.  It was interesting the view Hollywood has given of churches that they are a place of sanctuary and safety, and while they provide this it just didn't feel the same as entering our church does.

J explained to me as we looked around the church and sat down at the pew to listen to Christmas Carols being sung about what his family believed when he was little.  He was able to tell me so vividly when we went home how he was disappointed after his communion when you go to repent and don't feel any better or worse than you did before.  There was no satisfaction or purpose for what was being done other than tradition.  J and I didn't stay long and once the service started we left but it was interesting to see the process people go through of trying to feel close with God and yet it doesn't give them the same confidence about the purpose we have here on earth as being a member of our church does.  Now don't get me wrong I don't think less of Catholic people or anyone who is a member of another church or dominion, for I believe it is better for someone to be God fearing and striving to live righteously even if their beliefs differ from ours than not believe in God at all.  I remember on Christmas Eve night as J and I bore our testimonies to one another how quickly the spirit flowed even more abundantly into our home than ever before as we both were able to strengthen our testimonies on the life of the Saviour and our knowledge of His atonement, resurrection and what he allowed us to do here on earth.

It was when that I finally felt the Christmas spirit that I had been seeking all along.  I had tried everything for the past month to feel that spirit I so desperately seek every year that December rolls around.  I had tried giving service, reading my scriptures, reading christmas stories, partaking in christmas music, I only felt glimpses of what I was searching for.  I was grateful for Christmas eve night when I realized that in order to find Christ we must lose ourselves in learning about Him and not looking for the gain of the spirit in order to find it.  Christmas became an even more special tradition that I am already looking forward to next year as I realize that being filled with a stronger testimony and sense of gratitude for the Saviour is what Christmas is all about.

Baby are you in there?

Still hoping for a winter wonderland

Super disappointed today.  I had my ultrasound this morning and the tech was new and not very good.  She didn't show me anything and only was able to show J the spine and bum of baby.  She didn't let us hear the heartbeat or see what she was doing.  All her comments were.... "wait over a month and then come back, your baby is small for its size.  I can either get the pictures or I can't.  The baby is in a bad position, and I just can't get the pictures..."  Thanks for nothing!  It is sad when people who have the smarts to enter the medical field and be successful have no personality to deal with the patients they need to work with.  I guess its hard when baby is stubborn and refuses to be seen.  Baby was bum out the entire time and even though I tried drinking juice the 4 glasses full the baby didn't show.  No movement other than to flip towards the back and play shy.  So that's my disappointing news.  :(

Can you feel what I feel?

Feeling a little like Grinch?  Here's something to bring the real spirit of Christmas into your home.

With Love from the Cristancho's to You

The Joys of Life...

I have to admit that I have felt so lost after finishing this semester of university.  I had spent much of my time either researching, writing papers, studying for exams, or helping J with all three for his classes.  When my last class finished on the 20th, I felt so lost and checked my email about 5 or 6 times because I kept expecting another assignment to pop up or something.  Yesterday I didn't know what to do with myself and so I was grateful when two different activities emerged so I didn't feel so lost or not know what to do with myself.  I want to save the best for last and so here goes my adventure yesterday,

Tuesday evening rolled around and I had my visiting teachers come and visit me it was nice to have the interaction and know that one understood pregnancy and all the emotions that come with it.  I love the church and having this support, because it is like built in friends.  I haven't gotten to the point where I feel like my visiting teachers are my sisters but I do know that I can count on them for anything I need.  After my visiting teachers left, I noticed that there was a voicemail left on my phone so I listened to it and learned that my friend and her husband wanted to go to the temple and were wondering if I would be able to watch their seven month old daughter.  I wouldn't have to play with her for long because 7:30 is usually around bedtime so it was just having someone to come and be in the house while she slept.

This was a blessing in disguise because I have been nervous about having my own new born and not knowing what to do and I know that a 7 month old is way different than a new born but it provides you the experience that you need to feel a little bit more confident that you can do it.  I remember nannying and feeling like if I was a mom I could hopefully accomplish some university work while staying at home and I am hoping to do just that.  Last night seemed to breeze by but when bed time came it became a little frustrating.  Ms. J told me that in order for little K to fall asleep it was important to just let her cry it out because she cried every night at bed. She said give it 20 minutes and let her cry it out.  Now this is very hard to do because it breaks your heart when a baby cries and sounds like all is wrong in the world.  But Ms. J is the parent and so you respect the decisions. Now little K is pretty smart because I noticed that in her cryfest that she would stop if I was walking around to see if I came in.  I folded after 15 minutes and went into the bedroom and picked up little K, I tried to rock her and she screamed, I tried to sing to her and she screamed, I tried to stand up and bounce her when she screamed and so I did exactly what Ms. J told me to do. Put her in her crib and let her cry it out.   But the interesting thing is that little K's face was not wet with tears when i went to go pick her up, she just is scream crying because she wants to be out of her room where the action is going on but is too tired to keep her eyes open.  So my lesson learned is don't judge other parents' techniques because they know their baby and family situation of what is going to work and keep them sane and also not put their baby at risk.  I personally don't like cry it out because I feel frustrated but I could only imagine what it is like to have a baby scream night in and night out because she just doesn't want to sleep.  Super frustrating!

Now here is the part of my life where the juicy details come pouring in.  I finally after a month of waiting got to meet my gynecologist for the first time.  Dr. DL is originally from Cuba and so he is a doctor that knows spanish and english and he is so kind and patient.  He is willing to answer any questions and concerns you may have about your pregnancy.  He expects you to ask questions, to admit when you don't understand and he doesn't down play your feelings at all.  It is was interesting to meet Dr. DL because I was thinking that because my gynecologist was a man that I would feel uncomfortable but yet I felt right at ease when I talked to him.  He asked me the routine questions and asked me a little about myself and my husband.  He was super respectful when I told him that the reason I had never gotten a pap smear before was because me and my husband had saved ourselves until marriage, and he understood.  There was no downplay of disbelief, he just accepted what I had told him.  It was funny because I try to be healthy and even though I am overweight and not at my prime weight to have a baby, I still try to do everything in my power to have a healthy pregnancy.  Dr. DL asked me if I smoked, or drank, did drugs that he shouldn't know about but was going to tell him I was doing so he could know (while he nodded his head profusely), and some other series of questions.  I laughed as the answers were all no and so he went through the questions quicker and quicker.  After he was done, he looked at me and said very seriously, "so the only doctor's advice I can give you, is wear your seatbelt, it saves lives." I laughed out loud and laugh every time I think about it.  Dr. DL seemed to trust that I was telling him the truth and he was happy about my results.  Dr.DL asked me what I did for a career and I said that I was in my last year of university finishing up my elementary education and he asked me if I was going to have to stop to have my baby, I think for a semester I will but I am bound and determined to finish even if it means doing university work on the computer or through distance learning.  I will finish I am determined.  Dr. DL seemed impressed by this and asked what my husband was doing for his career, I told him that J worked at the hospital as a psychiatric aide and this seemed to please Dr. DL he was over-estatic with joy and looked at me with wide eyes and said really!!!  You guys are a bunch of professionals and I am so proud of you.  It was nice to have someone be proud of the accomplishments you make in your life and tell you how they feel it was really nice.    The last part of my meeting with Dr. DL I got to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time.  It was such an amazing experience and you feel closer to your baby than ever before.  Dr. DL found the heartbeat right away and it sounded like horses galloping.  It has become my new favorite sound and if I could listen to my baby's heartbeat all day long I totally would it is the most calming sound in the world.  I had to hold it together and not cry but for one point in my life i felt pure bliss and joy.  It was a moment when I knew that Heavenly Father was entrusting me with a precious gift from heaven.  One that I have the responsibility to raise and protect and I am ready for the challenge.  I worry that I won't be able to give my baby the best but I know he will have all that he needs.   Now I don't know the sex of the baby but as soon as I heard the heart beat I felt like it was going to be a boy.  But we won't know for a while but instead of refering to my baby as an it we lovingly will refer to baby as him or he.

The one last thing that I really appreciated about Dr. DL is a question he asked and the respect that was given to the answer I gave.  He had asked me if me or J wanted to have the test done where we wanted to know if our baby had down syndrome or not.  Mr. Hubbins and I had discussed this previously and they usually do this test and if the baby has down syndrome you have the option of aborting your baby.  Well J and I decided that we would accept our baby whether he was typically developing or atypical.  So I said to the dr that we didn't want to find out because we would love our baby however they came.  And Dr.DL accepted that no questions asked and just repeated, you'll love them no matter what.

But even with not accepting that test I don't fear my baby's health because when J gave me a blessing for my pregnancy the most calming assurance came that I would have a happy healthy baby.  And I know this is true.  I know that my baby will be just as God intends him to be and I am okay and ready for whatever lessons the Lord has to teach me.

I know it is really neat to hear a baby's heartbeat and while you can't hear my little one's I found one on the internet.  This heartbeat is a lot faster than my kabinky kaboo but it still is one of the most amazing sounds I have heard and will always enjoy to hear.

Life is hard move on

So I am right in the middle of studying for my last exam... I had one yesterday and only 24 hours until the next one so I am trying to cram as much information into my little brain as I can before the exam comes.  Lately, I have been having a really rough time.  It seems like when people have done something to hurt me, the people closest to me just expect me to forgive and move on because "I am the bigger person", and just place it behind me.  But sometimes, I feel like no one is listening to how much I am hurting.  How much pain I have had to endure and yet the answer is well you're the bigger person... I know I am supposed to forgive but it seems like no one is willing to address my feelings and tell me it is okay to feel that way, and because I "am the bigger person" I need to just get over it.  I am so over everything now and feel like you win and I lose, I hope you're happy.  Apparently, it's okay to be stepped all over, abused, and talked down to because "I am the bigger person".

I hate it you know.  I hate that I have been treated so badly and the justification is there for their actions and no understanding towards how I am feeling.  I feel like I stand on my own being tossed to and fro in the wind and the people who I thought cared about me the most, just stand there to watch idly willing to do nothing as I struggle against the wind.  I am so sick of justifications and I hope to never do it to my children.  Sometimes you just need someone to say hey I am so sorry I didn't realize that instead of being told that I hate a person when someone is spreading gossip or hate when they don't even know the full story.

A little boy who I recently listened to said "Life is hard move on" and I plan on doing just that.  If you treat me badly and swear at me refusing to invite my into your house, if you accuse me of hating someone when they are spreading gossip which is so far from the truth then so be it.  They will stand accountable before God for their actions and I am washing my hands clean of their maliciousness.  Life is hard just move on, right?  Well that's what the people who are supposed to love me say so fine I am over it but don't expect me to come crawling back to be hurt repeatedly.  I'm sorry but I guess I'm just not that perfect and I am okay with that.

All I have to say is:

You win and I lose.  

Hope you're happy.  

Father in Prayer I'm Coming Now to Thee

Sometimes my prayers start out a little similar to:

Heavenly Father?

As I was washing dishes I was thinking to myself how hard this last year has been with my marriage and I thought for a long time how bitter I felt towards Heavenly Father for not being there and helping me.  I remember crying very bitter prayers questioning how God could do this to me when I had tried to be like the Saviour and do my best.  I remember crying so much and wishing that Heavenly Father would just give me an answer right then and there; pleading he would just tell me what was expected.  I ache with how I felt when I felt like He just wasn't there and slowly I stopped praying and reading my scriptures because if he wasn't going to answer than what was the point.  Today in church we had high council Sunday and I remember how one member of the high council had gotten up and said that the new stake presidency was challenging the north stake to prayerfully read from the scriptures daily.  There was no deadline, there was no pressure of what or where to read but just to read.  He pleaded that when members were having personal problems in their lives most feel into an unsinkable despair because they had stopped reading their scriptures and saying their prayers.

Lately I have tried to be more prayerful about the problems that are happening in my life and as I was washing dishes it struck me that Heavenly Father always answers and though it may not be on our time but His, He will always answer.  I then started to contemplate how many times has He tried to provide me an answer and I was just too busy to notice that he was answering or too busy trying to do it my way that I didn't wait for the answer I was supposed to hear.  I don't know why my marriage goes through spurts of being awesome and amazing and wishing that life could be like that everyday and then having some really hard times where you just need to stop drop and pray because it is the only thing you know will give you the answer to the problems.  So many times I just want to go to the people I admire and plead with them to tell me how they make it work but I have realized the person that knows both J and I the best is Heavenly Father and if I turn to Him and truly wait for an answer that it will come.  I hate the struggles that come into my life and it hurts when contention occurs and I just hope one day I will understand the purpose of the trials that are happening around me.  

I now have come to truthfully understand the words of a child's prayer and know that it isn't children who need to hear it but learn it then so when hard times come when we're big people who have a greater chance of faltering faith we will know that the Savior does hear our prayers and will answer us.  

A Child's Prayer

Heavenly Father, are you really there?
and do you hear and answer every child's prayer.
Some say that Heaven is far away,
but i feel it close around me as i pray.

Heavenly Father, i remember now,
something that Jesus told Disciples long ago.
Suffer the children to come to me,
Father in prayer i'm coming now to thee.

Pray, He is there.
Speak, He is listening.
You are his child,
his love now surrounds you.

He hears your prayer,
He loves the children,
of such is the Kingdom,
the Kingdom of Heav'n

1 kick 2 Kick 3 Kick 4!

I have to admit I have sat for over an hour with my blog open thinking about what to write. My thoughts seem to be a bit jumbled today, I think its my brain is overtired from studying for school and trying to keep up with over active three year olds and a primary with 3 teachers missing so it was chaos.  I also have found that baby brain has taken over and it takes me twice as long to memorize concepts for school and I blame it on the pregnancy and baby brain ;)  Serious lack of baby brain occurred today when I had my whole lesson sitting right on the table to go for church and I left without it?!  Grateful for other teachers who let me use bits and pieces of their handouts!  So here's what's happening around here in a blur.

I feel like Christmas is fast approaching and that I haven't felt that sincere spirit of Christmas I so desperately want that I remember feeling as a child.  I teach the sunbeams in church and I usually have a bunch of rowdy boys and occasionally  one very sweet and smart little girl.  Today when I asked them what Christmas meant to them, I got the typical answers of santa, reindeer, presents, and lights... at first I was disappointed that none of them thought about Christ but I realized they are three just four and so I can't expect them to know exactly what the meaning of Christmas is.  But then Miss. S was my saving grace when she bounced into the room sat down in her chair and looked at me exclaiming, Christmas is magical!!  And indeed it is at that. Magical because people try to be a little more kinder and a little more giving.  The spirit of Christ fills everyone's hearts.  But, I think I am starting to already wish baby was born and we had little hands and feet in our house because I think part of the fun of Christmas is knowing the excitement the children feel.

I so desperately wish that I was done school because I feel like instead of spending my time thinking about the Saviour I am busy memorizing how to teach music and a second language.  I love music but would rather be singing about it and not learning the concepts, which seem so boring to me.  Christmas is coming so soon and I wish I could just freeze time to soak up the true meaning of Christmas and enjoy thinking about the Savior's birth but I guess that's what I do each time I open my scriptures.

One of my favorite things about Christmas is the christmas hymns and carols that we sing, and I believe that baby is going to enjoy music too.  We were singing away in a manger in primary and the baby was kicking to the words of the song.  The baby seems to have quite the sense of humor already!  I usually count for mr hubbins while he does push ups when he exercises.  Usually I am quite distracted while I count for J but yesterday I decided to just sit and watch while I counted, and baby decided to exercise too so each time I counted the baby would move too!  It made me laugh to know that the baby wanted to be part of the action and would move to each number that I counted.


To get in the true meaning of Christmas, I came across this LDS video.

Have a very Merry Christmas and I hope that you can feel the Spirit of Christ!

Blog Creeping...

Okay so I have to admit that sometimes I blog creep because I am interested in the way others have their blogs set up.  While doing this today I came across such an inspiring post that I linked to from another friend's blog.  Pregnancy definitely takes on a whole new level when you look at it this way.  The following was taken from here.  I have no credit to this post I just thought it was such a beautiful and inspiring message that I wanted to keep in my journal and that is why it has been placed here on my blog.

I love being pregnant at Christmas.  

Maybe because I feel things more with a little baby growing inside me.

I think about Mary a lot.

How she experienced all that she did.

All that traveling at the end.

Giving birth in a barn.

It makes the whole thing feel more special, more holy.

When I am pregnant, I feel a connection to her.

Not because I am anything like her but the connection all pregnant women have,

we know what the other is feeling, physically, partly emotionally too.

We know what is coming for each other.

Every woman who is growing a baby is so special and at Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of our Savior, being pregnant really helps me to think of him, because babies are so much on my mind already.

It also very much makes me think of Mary, celebrate and revere her.  

For doing what she did.

For being the woman to bear our Lord and bring him into this world.

For being willing.

And for doing it under the least desirable of circumstances.

What a true woman.  

I love these thoughts, I am glad that my circumstances help me to truly feel love during this time

Because that is why He came.

 Another reason I am grateful to be pregnant.

xs and os
Merr

The Help

J and I whenever we have had a tough time in being married we try to chalk it up to a bad day and go on a date together just to change the attitude we have towards each other.  So a marriage tip I find that works for us when days are especially hard is just drop whatever you are doing and go on a date and it just changes your focus and attitude of the day.  We went on a date last night to the movies and I watched a movie that changed my entire life for many reasons.  I find being pregnant it is so easy to see the areas that I am grateful for in my life and this movie was one of them for what it taught.  

My whole entire life I have been asked if I am from many different countries or cultures from being latina, hawaiian, lebanese, italian, and many others.  My mom joked and called me a chameleon because I have a look that whoever I am with I just fit into what the other culture is.  So if you don't know my family personally you would know that all the guesses above are wrong.  I actually am mulatto for I am 25% African American and 75% Caucasian from being French, German, Russian, Scottish, Irish and so on.  My blood is mixed and I cannot claim pride for any one place because through my genealogy I come from all over the world.  

However, as a child I was born with a great sense of pride for having African American blood in me and I have always looked up to Rosa Parks, and Martin Luther King Jr.  There is an immense sense of gratitude for tons of individuals who stood up against the expectations of society when they were treated so horribly.  I have often asked myself if I were living a hundred years ago what would I be considered because I wouldn't be considered both.  It would have been in a time where you were either white or you were black and I liked to kid myself into believing that the white society would have accepted me for my light skin but deep down we all know that I would have been considered black.  And that's okay with me.  

Watching the movie "The Help" changed my view of life and I want my children to have a sense of gratitude for where they came from and what their ancestors did so that they could face freedom today.  J has African American blood also and had a great grandmother who was a black slave and I just couldn't imagine living in that time where racism was so prevalent.  Not being able to go to the same bathroom because their germs were different and having to go through pain gruelling work when you only made 95 cents an hour is brutal.  I cried my way through this movie from sadness and pain, through sympathy, and pure joy; coming out with a changed perspective of how much my ancestors went through to give me the free life I have today.  I can go to school, I can use the same bathroom, I can sit down on the bus and know I won't get kicked off because of my color, and I can live wherever I choose.  

I have always wanted my children to have different names because my name was different and I felt special having a big name.  It made big dreams and goals seem just that more achievable because I had such a big name to live up to.  While watching the movie "The Help" I realized that I would be proud to name my children after any one of those strong black women who fought for equality in their own way.  But who also had the strength to look past color of skin and treat the children they raised as their own.  One part of the movie that gave me such  strength, love, and admiration for these women came as Aibileen would hasten to her child that she watched after her mother treated her so horribly and would tell her three things and I think if we all knew these three things and believed them about ourselves we would all be a little bit kinder and treat each other with a lot more respect than is given.  "You is kind, you is smart, and you is important."  

Too many times we all hear how someone is better at doing something than we are and we start to question the beautiful individual qualities that our Father in Heaven gave us.  We forget that we were born with the light of Christ and to be kind.  We don't feel smart all the time because society says unless you hit this level of expectation you're not smart and least of all important unless you a star on tv or on the radio.  But again this is something I am going to tell myself everyday and my family, for if we believe it we will always live it.  "You is kind, you is smart, and you is important"  

So if you want to see a movie that will change your life watch "The help".  You will see a society where they are oppressed and still try to treat those they work for with love and respect.  They try to love their enemies and do good to them.  You hear of how a generation can change their perspectives and attitudes towards being less kind and more hard-hearted where there is a distinct guideline set of those are the "slaves" and we are better than them.  It had both me and hubbins in tears.  My only problem with the entire movie is the language is not the best, which saddens me but if you can look past that you can learn a great deal and this story deserves to be heard, "for we all have a dream."

This song is played at the end of the movie and it literally changes your life because of the words.  Mary J Blige sings this beautifully, "The Living Proof"  

It's gonna be a long long journeyIt's gonna be an uphill climbIt's gonna be a tough fightIt's gonna be some lonely nightsBut I'm ready to carry onI'm so glad the worst is overI can start living now, oohI feel like I can do anythin'And finally I'm not afraid to breatheAnything you say to meAnd everything you doYou can't deny the truthCause I'm the living proofSo many don't surviveThey just don't make it throughBut look at me oohI'm the living proofOh yes I amThinkin' back life's been painfulYes it wasTook a while to learn how to smileSo now I'm gonna talk to my people ohAbout the storm oh about the stormOh so glad the worst is overI can start flyin' now ohMy best days are right in front of meAnd I'm almost thereCause now I am free
Anything you say to meAnd everything you doYou can't deny the truthCause I'm the living proofSo many don't surviveThey just don't make it throughBut look at meI'm the living proofI know where I'm goin' heyCause I know where I've been ohI gotta few stars that showin' heyI'm gonna stay strong keep goin'That's the way that I willAnything you say to meAnd everything you doYou can't deny the truthCause I'm the living proof ohSo many don't surviveThey just don't make it throughBut look at me yeah yeahI'm the living proof
Nothing about my life's been easyBut nothings gonna keep me downCause I know a lot more todayThan I knew yesterdaySo I am ready to carry onOh Lordy mmmm

Stop Drop and Pray

I don't know if it is being pregnant but some days are just harder than others where it seems like life seems so hopeless when problems from the past appear over again and again.  I try to have the attitude and find the silver lining of the cloud that seems to hang over my head but sometimes it is harder than others.  I sometimes question if the reason I am dealing with the trials I have is because of mistakes I have made in the past; ones that I have sincerely repented for.  I think I am just dealing with all the stress of university and the critical voices of society. I was reading another Christian lady's blog and she said when hard days come to stop drop and pray no matter where you are.

So I have done just that over and over again and you would think that I would feel like Heavenly Father is sick of hearing my voice but I feel so much closer to Him.  I am prompted each time I pray to do something that will bring me closer to Him and teach of Jesus Christ.  One of those promptings was to turn to an ensign article "Awake My Soul: Dealing with Depression" that has touched my heart when I  have felt so lost and alone today.

Those critical voices in your head and from society that tell you that you are not good enough... who do you think they come from?

Once we can turn off the negative voices, we can see their source. Discouragement is not the Lord’s method—it’s Satan’s. Satan emphasizes your weaknesses; the Lord, your ability to overcome. Satan urges immediate perfection to make you feel inadequate. The Lord leads you toward perfection. Once we recognize the source, we can cry with Nephi, “Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.” (2 Ne. 4:28.)

You mean that some of these critical voices are not my conscience or the Spirit of the Lord?

That’s right. Mormon tells us how to distinguish between “good” voices that are helping us to repent and satanic voices that will only entangle us more, when he says, “That which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.” On the other hand, Satan “persuadeth no man to do good.” (Moro. 7:13, 17.) Thus, if the voice you hear leaves you feeling weaker, more doubtful about your capability of overcoming sins, if it continues to remind you of past mistakes and sins that you have already repented of, then it is not of the Spirit of the Lord.

The Lord seeks to strengthen you, to give you the power to overcome problems. He wants you to recognize your weaknesses and then dosomething about them, Jesus didn’t condemn the adulteress. He said, “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:1–11.) Alma made it very clear to Corianton that he had committed a terrible sin in being unchaste, but he concluded with: “And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things [Corianton’s doubts about God’s justice] trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance.” (Alma 42:29.)

Elder Marion D. Hanks has commented on this passage: “Alma didn’t promise that Corianton would forget. He taught him how to live with his memories, productively, humbly, continually appreciative for the mercy and long-suffering and forgiveness of God.

“‘You’ll remember your sins,’ we can almost hear Alma saying. ‘You probably won’t ever forget. But remember in the right way for the right reasons.’” ²

I usually dont dwell on past sins but I sometimes wonder if my marital problems come from past mistakes but I have realized the choices that a couple makes individually and collectively at the time will affect the marriage too.  If you have repented of past sins they will no longer be remembered by Heavenly Father but are only there as a constant reminder as to what we have learned and where we need to go.  In trying to cope with the daily bumps in a marriage I found another article "Coping with difficulties in marriage" that states, 

Ensign (E): One of the major areas in which Latter-day Saint couples continually seek encouragement and ideas from their bishop is how to resolve disagreements productively within a gospel framework. As you have worked with couples and families, would you say that it is essential in most marriages to have the ability to handle differences?

MacMurray (M): Absolutely. As a bishop I counseled with about three hundred couples, and I saw a good cross section there. Most of these couples felt happy about their marriages. But all marriages—happy or otherwise—have the need to manage different viewpoints, different feelings, in a manner that is helpful rather than destructive to the relationship. Actually, one of the greatest blessings to any marriage is the opportunity to share and obtain different viewpoints and different feelings on some matters. Couples can acquire interpersonal skills and turn their differences into opportunities.

E: Are there really people who have problem-free marriages?

M: It’s possible—but not common. Partners who have such a marriage may be extraordinarily mature.

E: Yet, on the other side, isn’t it rather negative to believe that nearly all marriages likely have some types of challenges?

M: Not at all! In fact, think how depressing it would be to think that your marriage was the only one in the whole world that had challenges—and lots of people do add guilt to their difficulties by thinking that way. Of course, differences should not be viewed as the foundation of marriage, but it’s important to realize that they exist as part of our earthly experience, and their very existence provides a potential richness and depth to the relationship.

The real issue is not that there are challenges—but knowing how to deal with them. Our similarities and differences can draw us into enormously compelling relationships with ourselves and our loved ones. Elder Neal A. Maxwell points out that “because the home is so crucial, it will be the source of our greatest failures as well as our greatest joys.” (Ensign, Feb. 1972, p. 7.) Latter-day Saints usually talk about the home’s potential for joy. One of the best safeguards against the home’s equally great potential for failure is recognizing that challenges can occur, and learning how to work together to manage them in Christlike ways."  

SO for those bad days just remember that you can get through the trials and the Lord is always with you

xs and os- Merr