Finding Christmas

 And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling:

 "How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! 

"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

 And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.

 Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! 

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. 

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" 

And what happened then...? 

Well...in Who-ville they say That the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day

I feel like I am rebelling and taking a long vacation from blogging but I thought it was important to blog while I had some time (well really I just couldn't sleep).  I have to admit this Christmas season I have felt very Grinchy not feeling too much into the whole Christmas season.  I love Christmas but didn't feel the Christmas spirit I was so desperately seeking for.  On Christmas Eve night J got called into work so I spent some time with a family from our ward.  It was nice to be with them and I was a bit disappointed about J working.  I cried at first, due to pregnancy hormones, about being alone on Christmas but as I dropped mr hubbins off at work and was driving away, I realized the blessings of J working.  We have a loving Heavenly Father who looks after us no matter where we are or what we are doing.  The thought occurred to me that J and I have been so blessed that he has a good job that I can stay home and work on school and finish as many courses as I can before baby comes.  I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the blessings we have received in our little family this past year.  J had been hoping to get off work early so that we could spend some time together but unfortunately he worked the whole shift.

As we were driving home, J on a whim asked if I wanted to see what the inside of a Catholic Church looked like so on Christmas Eve at midnight we attended 10 minutes of a midnight mass.  The reason for doing so is NOT because we are looking to convert religions but this was a great opportunity to understand where J had come from and what his family believed before they converted to the LDS church.  It was interesting to have this opportunity for the overwhelming spirit and the Christmas spirit that I felt when we got home.  I think it is hard for me to understand how much of a blessing the church can be to converts and the expectations that come in walking into a holy house of the Lord from a chapel to a temple.  You kind of expect that same feeling to occur when you walk into any church and I have learned that it feels different walking into a different church then the ones I normally enter.  When walking into our chapel I always have felt like a blanket has been wrapped around me, I feel warm and peaceful, safe and secure, and I know that I am in the right place at the right time.  I didn't know what to expect when we entered into the Catholic Church but it was weird because it was built like a church and yet I didn't feel anything inside.  I felt like I was just walking into any ordinary place.  It was interesting the view Hollywood has given of churches that they are a place of sanctuary and safety, and while they provide this it just didn't feel the same as entering our church does.

J explained to me as we looked around the church and sat down at the pew to listen to Christmas Carols being sung about what his family believed when he was little.  He was able to tell me so vividly when we went home how he was disappointed after his communion when you go to repent and don't feel any better or worse than you did before.  There was no satisfaction or purpose for what was being done other than tradition.  J and I didn't stay long and once the service started we left but it was interesting to see the process people go through of trying to feel close with God and yet it doesn't give them the same confidence about the purpose we have here on earth as being a member of our church does.  Now don't get me wrong I don't think less of Catholic people or anyone who is a member of another church or dominion, for I believe it is better for someone to be God fearing and striving to live righteously even if their beliefs differ from ours than not believe in God at all.  I remember on Christmas Eve night as J and I bore our testimonies to one another how quickly the spirit flowed even more abundantly into our home than ever before as we both were able to strengthen our testimonies on the life of the Saviour and our knowledge of His atonement, resurrection and what he allowed us to do here on earth.

It was when that I finally felt the Christmas spirit that I had been seeking all along.  I had tried everything for the past month to feel that spirit I so desperately seek every year that December rolls around.  I had tried giving service, reading my scriptures, reading christmas stories, partaking in christmas music, I only felt glimpses of what I was searching for.  I was grateful for Christmas eve night when I realized that in order to find Christ we must lose ourselves in learning about Him and not looking for the gain of the spirit in order to find it.  Christmas became an even more special tradition that I am already looking forward to next year as I realize that being filled with a stronger testimony and sense of gratitude for the Saviour is what Christmas is all about.