Weight of the World

Have you ever watched the movie Matilda?  Or read the book written by Roald Dahl.  Do you remember the part where Matilda is different from her family and this bothers them a lot?  To the point where Henry Wormwood calls Matilda out by saying, "I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. And there's nothing you can do about it."  I have felt like this is definitely how life has been treting me lately by so many of the problems that have been occurring with me.  I feel like the world and so many of the trials are saying this to me.  I'm smart and you're dumb.  I'm big and you're little and there is nothing you can do about it.  I feel like no matter how hard I try that somehow I just can't get it right.  And the harder I try the harder I fall.  At times with writing these personal posts I feel like putting my blog back to invite only because I want to be real on my blog and not just pretend that my life is picture perfect because its not but I also don't want everyone to know what is going on with me.  But I think that maybe hopefully how I am feeling can help someone else who is going through a hard time as well.  Just know you are not the only one and I am here if you need someone to lean on.  So here it goes...

Sorry I have disappeared for a while, life has been dangerously stressful.  At times I feel like I wish that we never went to Calgary because of all the problems it has caused now.  I have to be honest I am sick of being parented and told how to do things and still having my faults pointed out to me is getting awfully wearing.  I am sick of being in the middle of issues and trying to deal with petty immature problems.  I am trying to change and I am an adult now to make those decisions.  I don't need parents on any side point out what I need to do to change.  I will be a mom in May.  I need to make my own decisions of what I want to change and when.  I am not trying to sound prideful or that I don't want to change but I don't need to be parented anymore.  

I am sick in the fact that I landed myself in the hospital because I was having super weird cramping that turned out to be pre term mini contractions and an over pulled muscle from my workouts... awesome.  When I went to the hospital they hooked me up to a machine to count the contractions and also to check the baby.  Baby was healthy and great, cervix closed, and baby was sky high as the doctor stated but my body was under a huge amount of stress. I was stressed because the cramping didn't feel right and the nurse who was assigned to me definitely just stressed me out more but when the nurses switched and one came in.  I felt as if I had met an angel come to earth.  She asked me my symptoms told me to lie still fixed my band that was counting the contractions and gave me a warm blanket to put under my back to help with the back pain.  The contractions stopped and my back stopped aching.  Is that all I needed was someone to show me a little love?  I think so because I am feeling better although my heart is hurting that I am dealing with so much stress and having the problems that I am facing at the moment.

I guess I jinxed myself when i said I was grateful for trials and the lessons they teach, because I am not grateful for these problems.  Well at least not right now anyway.

On another note, I picked up a book from the Good Will store the last time I was there.  It is by a canadian writer Jeanette Kasper titled, "Anger Is Not An Emotion"  I started to read this book as a way to just be calm in myself instead of getting stressed or angry with the situations I am dealing with.  It has been interesting to read because she states that anger is stemmed from:
1.Us feeling Cornered
2. Protecting a weaker link
3. Or trying to gain position in a pack

I have felt and related to each one of these problems and can tell that this book will help me a lot.  I am getting to the point where I am starting to understand why I am doing what I am doing and where I need to go with my feelings and eventually how to change and deal with the situation.

I have learned that it is okay to stop an argument from happening by simply saying that I need some time to think this through, but that it is not okay to not come back to it to solve the issues.  I know this is one thing that J is really bothered by that affects our marriage a lot is the communication barriers that are caused because of how our two families drastically tried to solve issues.  I think a lot of it has to do with the culture because in many Canadian families I have talked to when problems arise you just walk away from the problem until everyone is calm and then just kind of forget it has happened, whereas in the Latin culture you fight and argue it out.  Neither is right or good in my opinion.  But I have learned that it is best to do both. Take a period to calm down and then talk about the problem.  It really does go back to the simple teaching that Thumper taught so well in Bambi,

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

This is exactly what I am going to do from now on.