I love Relief Society and missed it a lot when I was in primary but I learned again today just how much Heavenly Father knows us. So I found out a couple of weeks back that my sweet ultrasound tech was actually a member of our ward... shows how much I get out of my primary bubble! But anyways, today she was teaching a lesson on personal revelation through our struggles. Her lesson really hit home with me as she talked about how Heavenly Father hand moulds our trials and how He knows how we are going to react to certain trials. It was then discussed how our trials and testimonies are like a circle, we need trials to strengthen our testimonies but then need our testimonies in times of our trials. We then discussed how through trials sometimes we become spiritually apathetic.
It was during this discussion I had my aha moment. It was said that when we become spiritually apathetic our testimonies falter and that our testimonies either are increasing or plummeting there is no plateau. When that was said I realized why I had been put in primary as my calling. Heavenly Father knew of my spiritual apathy before I knew about it. During some trials I had when J and I first got married, I am ashamed to admit it, but I turned away from Heavenly Father. I would read my scriptures and pray only to fulfill my calling for primary. I was angry and was trying to punish Him for what He was putting me through. It was such a natural man's response to dealing with trials and I realized that in my choice to turn again towards Him and not away that He was there still encouraging me and moulding me through the calling I had. The primary children didn't need those lessons more than I did, I needed those lessons more. I was being taught to humble myself and turn to Him even if it was just for my calling.
Looking back now I feel pretty silly in falling in my faith and testimony. But through returning to reading the scriptures I have learned that no one is exempt from the trials that come from Heavenly Father to refine us. A lady whose blog I follow summed it up so eloquently by saying it so simply:
"When I look at people in the Bible, I see ordinary folks just like us. God never chose people who were born amazing in every way to do the extraordinary things. No, He chose sinners, weak, frail, inadequate, simple people. What turned those humble beings into some of the greatest heroes and role models who have ever walked the earth was just one little word. That’s all it took, really--
“Yes!”"
And I feel like this is the lesson I needed to learn the entire time. I can admit it now without being ashamed. I am not perfect but through the atonement of Jesus Christ I can be but I will always fall without Him. Heavenly Father will continue to shape and mould me into the daughter He needs me to be and it is okay that I am a sinner, weak, frail, sometimes rebellent (is that even a word?!), faithless but through trusting in my Heavenly Father, He always will allow us to return and teach us when we are willing to humble ourselves.
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