The more I throw myself into learning about the grace and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father the more humble and teachable I feel I can become. This past general conference I was struck that so many of the talks that were prepared and given seemed to be just for me. It was as if Heavenly Father was blessing me with the special gift of knowing how much He loves and cares for me even when we have wandered off the path and are wandering in the midsts of darkness until we choose to grab back onto the rod of iron.
I feel like so many blessings I have been given here on earth are from a Father in Heaven who knows my needs and watches over me. In the weeks soon to come, you will learn just how important I have found this message to really be. Other gifts that I feel Heavenly Father has given us comes in the forms of talents and there are so many talents I would love to have. Each day I learn more about myself and am trying to develop my talents but some days I feel like with school everything gets shoved aside. But with this baby coming I hope I can learn more about who I am.
But the gift I truly wanted to talk about today was the lessons we learn from our trials and afflictions. This is going to be a very real and open post and I hope that those who read it will not judge me for what I am about to write but will accept me for being honest about my faults.
As much as I would like to be perfect I know I am not. I like every one else have faults, struggles, and personal trials. One problem that I have is being forgiving when others have offended me or hurt me knowingly, I sometimes hold grudges and will judge them harshly for how they have hurt me and made me feel. Never to anyone else will I tell what I think but I am the type of person that if you hurt me don't expect me to get over it that quickly. I am not talking about little day to day mistakes... I am talking about those I truly sincerely love who pick at my faults or those that I trust who take advantage of a situation.
This is not a trait or quality I am proud of... I really hate that I hold grudges and I pray daily now that my heart will be full of forgiveness for those that I take offense by. I have come to learn how dangerous holding grudges are and how being unforgiving can be so destroying for your spirit. One talk that has resonated with me from the time that it was given was Pres. James E Faust's talk "The Healing Power of Forgiveness". I used this talk a ton when I was trying to forgive a family member for the hurts and pains I remembered from my childhood. It helped and made me a better person because I now have a better relationship with this person because of it but it also helped to have mr. hubbins as my pillar of strength to fall back to when fears and uncertainties arose.
So why if I could access forgiveness once is it so hard for me to do again?! I am trying again because something happened and someone hurt me real bad who has promised to protect me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was so so so angry at this person that they had hurt me the way they had and even after they had apologized and repented I held onto my hurt. It destroyed who I was and caused my once loving heart to be filled with anger, resentment, and malice. Lately as I have realized how much this grudge is hurting not only me but my family I have tried to change. It took me making a stupid stupid mistake on my part to get there and having to repent to realize how holding a grudge can destroy your soul.
I woke up today reminded of President's Faust talk where he talks about some reporters who after a man's death offend his family. "Here in Salt Lake City in 1985, Bishop Steven Christensen, through no fault of his own, was cruelly and senselessly killed by a bomb intended to take his life. He was the son of Mac and Joan Christensen, the husband of Terri, and the father of four children. With his parents’ consent, I share what they learned from this experience. After this terrible deed, the news media followed members of the Christensen family around relentlessly. On one occasion this media intrusion offended one of the family members to the point that Steven’s father, Mac, had to restrain him. Mac then thought, “This thing will destroy my family if we don’t forgive. Venom and hatred will never end if we do not get it out of our system.” Healing and peace came as the family cleansed their hearts from anger and were able to forgive the man who took their son’s life."
I know of this venom and hatred as much as I wish I could deny it but I know from the depths of my soul how destroying it can be. Slowly, day by day, as I draw closer and nearer to the Lord from a time of questioning I am taught the simple ways that forgiveness will come and allow healing to enter my heart. I am ashamed to know where I have gone and come from in this sense because it scares me to know that because of a snap decision I made to be unforgiving took me to a place of heartache and pain that I never would have had to endure if I simply had had a place in my heart of forgiving.
So my last gift that I find has taught me about myself is knowing that through the grace and mercy of a loving Saviour Jesus Christ I can be forgiven through the atonement. That one day I can stand spotless at the judgement seat that Nephi refers to because there was Jesus Christ who so lovingly offered His life to teach and lead by example of they way we could return to live with Heavenly Father again.
To those that I have offended in the past may you truly forgive me for what I have done and for the individual that I have held a grudge against I am truly sorry. I am sorry for the bitterness that entered my soul and for allowing a resentment to build. For this I am so ashamed of and now ask for thy forgiveness is my humble plea.
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