“All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan.”

The last couple of days I have been thinking about how my life has changed so much in the last five years. I guess I might be reminiscing the last couple of years of freedom because I know I have to really be a grown up when baby comes.  No but on a more serious note, I have been really pondering how my life has changed so drastically even since becoming a student, going to YSA, having my first serious relationship and getting married... I feel like my life has just changed so quickly.  But in my times of being studious and trying to finish up assignments I somehow kept having the thought pop into my head would I have done it the exact same way if I could go back and change the past.

When I thought about it first I wished with all my might that I could go back and change it; the decision, the choices, the actions not because what I did was necessarily wrong or bad but just because I know better now than I did then.  But isn't that the whole lesson with life is to put one foot in front of the other and step forward in faith when all else seems to make no sense?

This thought bothered me for quite a few days and left me really wondering if I was happy with who I had become, and where my life had taken me.  There were times in my life when I was not proud of the decisions I made and still question why I did what I did but somehow when you take those imperfections, those fears, those disappointments to the Lord, He uses them to shape you into a better person.

I Have to admit there was one point in my life where things were really hard and my attitude towards Heavenly Father was not what it should have been.  I went to church, I did all that was expected of me but like in the scriptures my heart was not where it should have been.  I realize now in being pregnant and becoming refocused on the true matters of God's purpose for here in this life, that turning away from God is a dark place to go. If I could go back and shake myself into belief I would... not having the faith needed and trusting in the Lord is the worst feeling in the world and leaves you picking up the pieces for a long time afterwards.  But man is it a humbling experience at the same time as you start to again pour out your fears and concerns to the Lord and He so lovingly cradles your spirit and heart by providing the resources needed just for you to know that He is ALWAYS there and forever present when you ask for Him.

So many miracles have popped up in being pregnant and has so quietly taught me just how I am so little in a bigger plan.  I have learned that I need to trust more because through the experiences we have we develop into the people that Heavenly Father needs us to be before we return to live with Him again.  As I was driving to school I was listening to the Christian Radio Station here and they were talking about how Heavenly Father will purify the earth for the millennium.  This pastor talked about how even though Heavenly Father made the world and stated that it was very good that it would still go through a time of purification before it would be to perfection.  This is just like us we are put through a refiner's fire, placed in situations that seem unbearable at the time, and asked to continue on in faith.

So finally after much thought and consideration... even though I went through trials and adversity that tore me down enough to question who I was and what my purpose was here on earth I would sadly go through it all again just to have the knowledge from the lessons I learned.  I used to feel ashamed about my trials from the past because I thought they were equal to my righteousness here on earth but I have learned in a very real way that you can be doing everything right and trying your best and still have horrible adversity placed upon you.  I was trying to find a quote written in my scriptures but instead I stumbled across this quote  “C. S. Lewis put it well when he gave us the analogy of remodeling the human soul and a living house 'Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage but He is building a palace."


I don't know why it becomes so hard for me to look back to the past and review the trials I went through, especially when I know how much better things are now.  I guess its a bit of the pregnancy hormones and the adversary trying to tear me down as I try to prepare myself to be a better wife, person and future mother for baby cupcake.  I have realized though just from my own state of rebellion how much easier it is to turn towards the Lord rather than away from Him, and I hope through my own experiences I can teach my children to love and value the Lord always especially in their times of hardship and trial.