Dear Brain... I need you right about NOW!

It's interesting how one comment can totally change how you view things.  Today I have been struggling to finish up some assignments that are both due tomorrow, well one is due next week but we are supposed to have a rough draft done for this class.  I wrote the english one and struggled to finish it after I got some mean and nasty comments from my philosophy "science" professor who stated that my excessive use of quotes paralleled me perilously close to plagiarism... okay?!  So out of the six years I have been to university you seem to be the ONLY professor I have ever met who seems to have this issue. It has been a hard pill to swallow with university and some of the professors lack of true care for their students has me feeling discouraged and beaten down.
 
I think this has started to bother me more and more because of what I am taught in education.  I catch myself struggling to understand why professors are doing things we have been told are super unprofessional and a bad reflection of what a teacher should look like.  I didn't want this to actually become a blog worthy post but every time I have tried to start on this paper I have for school I freeze up.  I sweat.  I clam up.  and I put it off even though a rough draft is due in a mere 18 hours...  I feel a little bit angry at myself that I am allowing someone who has a sadistic nature to affect me so much.  I know that mark does not reflect who I am and my loving momma who is my constant cheerleader explained that in the end that one mark will not matter because of the curve and just who this man is... that I can move past this.

But I am feeling I am living a nightmare I had in the past all over again.  A couple of years ago I snapped in my first year of college  as I was trying hard to get into BYU to start a new life there and establish my own life as an independent girl.  I remember spending hours on an assignment that I had done my best effort at it wasn't slapped together and I got the assignment back to find out many of my classmates who spent less time on the assignment, like did it the night before, had done way better than I had.  I snapped for some reason and I cried a lot with the days that followed.  I left school early and tried to get my mind off of it and I just couldn't keep it together.  I questioned if I had set unrealistic goals for myself of trying to get into BYU, I questioned if all this effort was really worth it.  I had a hard time for about two days where I just couldn't hold it together and had to get a priesthood blessing because I felt like my whole world had come crashing down on me.  I know it sounds silly but it is so discouraging to try your best to actually put the effort in and feel like your work is being marked unfairly based on what others think or feel you should think.

I remember how hard that time in my life was and how turning to TurboJam became my life saver.  I went to talk with that professor after I was able to figure myself out and she said that because she saw my potential she marked me a lot harder than other classmates.  At the time I thought this was unfair and unprofessional but she pushed me in a way that when I finished my second year in her classes I came out as one of her top students.  While this turned out to be an opportunity to learn and understand how others view me, I just don't feel the same confirmation of peace in trying to feel this way this time around.  I keep thinking back to this philosophy science professor who has a class of 200 students, who claims that in my essay I made it clear about the opinion he was seeking for but that I needed to be able to qualify for unseen arguments that would present themselves.  So pretty much you just told me because you disagree with my points you failed me on an essay?!... All I can do is shake my head.

So now that my rant is over and done... I feel like I am airing out my dirty laundry for all to see... I think I am considering getting a good old private blog for my eyes only... but I think about how important these entries will be for my children when they have similar experiences or for someone who stumbles across my blog.  I love school a lot but I am finding just with how hard I work and being pregnant has become really disheartening.  I feel like my brain is unattached from my head and it decided to take a perma-vacation or "strike" while my baby cupcake finishes baking.  Oh please come back to me once baby comes.  I still need you to function.  Thanks!

ps. I am sorry I cram you full of useless information that you and I both know we will never use again but I do appreciate that you allow me to recall it in desperation for exams that I write.  I promise once school is finished I will not put you through this type of torture again!

Merr